I am currently sitting in my office processing the events of the morning. Trying to think of a careful way to share it with you all but not expose all the players. How do I play nice?
I have been divorced from my daughter’s father since 2012. Separated for several years prior to that. For the most part I have kept the why to myself. I have taken the high road. I haven’t shared much with anyone. When I’ve tried to those closest to me-at the time they told me to just get over it.
I would love to. If only life worked that way.
But it doesn’t.
My reality was when I left, I left with G and not much else. I was told that since I made the choice that was how it was going to be. If I fought there could be consequences.
Throughout the years coparenting has been a rollercoaster. I am always wrong, I am a helicopter parent, everything is only about money.
Yet when my daughter asks why I am not with her Dad I say quietly- we were just very different, your Dad is a good guy.
And he can be except when he isn’t.
So here I am trying to decide how to handle the latest untruth he told her about me.
I want her to have a good relationship with her Dad. It just sucks that it seems to be at everyone’s expense but his.
People tell you children hit an age where they figure it out. They realize the love and sacrifice you put forth. I’m hanging in there but MAN (!) there are days! I want to let fly and tell her how I still get anxious every day at 430. How I practically beg/chant “please stop”if I feel an argument brewing. I am still not strong enough to engage in any conversation that feels like an argument. I’ve been known to just leave. How it’s hard for me to trust. How I’m hypercritical of how I look. How I still worry all the time.
How sorry I am that we’re here. But I need her to know, more than anything what Happy looks like. What Love looks like. I need her to know she deserves the sun, the moon, and the stars. She deserves someone who loves her even when she is almost impossible to love.
As do we all.
Big loves Mommas