Tag Archives: divorced

What Google Doesn’t Tell You About Divorce

I wish I would have had some insight on the entire process before I started my divorce, but I didn’t.  Yes, you can research and google the entire divorce process, however there are many things google can not tell you.

What I wish I would have known…

#1 -If you have kids together, your ex will probably always be in the picture…I wish I would have known that my ex would never go away…I was naive and thought once I was divorced, he would go away. False. I thought that I would be able to just move on with my life and be happy.. hahaha. So false.  And by go away, I thought that we would not have much contact. I guess I never thought about all the communication would still need to have regarding the kids.

Once we were divorced he wanted an input in every decision. We share 50/50 custody with 3 kids so we do have constant contact,  I did most of the decision making and parenting when we were married and now he wanted an input on everything. This was a challenge for me.. from bedtimes, to church, to sports, to school clothes.. he wanted to add his opinion into everything.  I had to really adjust to his input and it was hard.  I didn’t understand why he now wanted to have an input in the kid decisions.

You might start the process out being amicable, however it can change throughout.  There are so many decisions that need to be made.  Now we had children, so there was a lot to decide.  I did not realize how much we would still need to be in contact.

So how do you keep your ex out of your life as much as possible and move on..Set boundaries.  The more boundaries that are set from the beginning, the easier life is for everyone involved.  This included the form of communication we used to dropping off items for the children.  Anything that makes you feel uncomfortable, I would begin to set a boundary or make it a discussion.

#2 -Children Adjust-I spent years worrying about how my children would handle our divorce.. Would our divorce ruin them for life? False. Truth is they were more grown up and understanding than some adults. Each one of them has had their hard times, however most of the trouble has been from different parenting styles and additional people now included.

How did we make the transition as smooth as possible?  Having a set schedule and routine from the beginning will help them adjust. We have had the same schedule for most of our 5 years of divorce.  I fought to not go week to week because my son was still very young and I knew it would not be good for either parent.   One summer, I agreed to go week to week for 3 months. It was the worst decision, my son had a hard time adjusting to the new routine. He would call and cry during the week because he missed me and he would count the days until he saw me.  After that, we went back to our normal routine and I learned that was the best for my children.

Set a schedule from the beginning and stick with it. It makes it easier on the children and everyone involved. My kids always know where they will be and when. We also do monthly calendars and I put them up so my kids know where they will be at all times.  

#3 -Get a good lawyer-Pay the money…Get a good lawyer with references and be thorough. get the best lawyer you can afford. One that has referrals from clients with the similar situation as yours.  Ask anyone in the area that is divorced.  Be as detailed in your divorce as possible. Include hours, dates, summer schedule, right of refusal, holidays, school expenses, health, medicine, college, etc.  I did not have a good lawyer in the beginning, and in the last 5 years my ex and I have gone back to mediation and court several times. This is very stressful, expensive, and affects your entire life moving forward.

It’s hard to move on with life, if you are going back to court and re-evaluating it over and over.  It’s important to set all the details with the children in the beginning.  I should have thought through all these questions before we got into our divorce. Like are you going to rotate Halloween or stick to the normal schedule… who will pay for school lunches… who will pay for special events … all of these questions will come up.  There are so many areas that will need to be included in your decree.  Do your homework and make a list.  After being divorced for 5 years and my kids continue to grow, there are many additional topics that need to be addressed.   Think about your kids in 5 years and what will be important in the future.  The more information that is included in your decree from the start the easier your life will be.  That is a guarantee!!

#4-You will have an adjustment period with your friends.. Your friends might change throughout the process.  The true friends will stick with you..but your life will have many changes.   Throughout your divorce your friends may come and go.. It is hard to know. I would prepare yourself that some friends may not be able to stay in your life due to the situation.

My friends were great throughout my divorce, however there is always going to be ones that you feel more comfortable talking about the emotions and feelings that you are experiencing.   It was also hard to explain the legal process.  It was also hard to ask for advice from individuals that did not have any experience in divorce..

However, Since my divorce my friend circle has changed. I have met some divorced moms that are a great support for me.   These are the ones I can hang out with on my non kid weekends.  These are the friends that I can rant to about my ex.  They get what I am experiencing and can show support.   I love all my friends, but some will just get it more than others. Thats just the truth.

I had days where I wanted to talk to people and others that I did not.  I was always so tired of telling my “story” I just wanted to have a normal conversation with someone I ran into or met for drinks.  If you dont’ feel like talking, then do not.  There is so much more to your life than just your divorce.

I know I have blogged in the past about friendships through divorce, but with life changes sometimes your friends will change.

#5-Be patient with yourself and the process… I thought that once the divorce was finalized everything would be finished.  During the actual year of my divorce, I was so concentrated on finalizing all those details that I did not concentrate on much else.  Once It was finalized, It took a long time to feel normal and content.  I honestly felt like I was living in a bubble that entire year.  When I first got divorced, people would say give it “5 years” and I thought they were crazy.  But here I am  and yes for me it took 5 years.   It took me 5 years to feel so normal and content with my life.

Be patient with all the changes.  Take it slowly and do not rush into anything.  My kids and I have made lots of adjustments to our life over the last few years.  Remember It’s a start to a new life… I love all the changes that I have made but it does take time…

-Snarky

https://www.snarkydivorcedgirl.com/blog

Play Nice

I am currently sitting in my office processing the events of the morning. Trying to think of a careful way to share it with you all but not expose all the players. How do I play nice?

I have been divorced from my daughter’s father since 2012. Separated for several years prior to that. For the most part I have kept the why to myself. I have taken the high road. I haven’t shared much with anyone. When I’ve tried to those closest to me-at the time they  told me to just get over it.

I would love to. If only life worked that way.

But it doesn’t.

My reality was when I left, I left with G and not much else. I was told that since I made the choice that was how it was going to be. If I fought there could be consequences.

Throughout the years coparenting has been a rollercoaster. I am always wrong, I am a helicopter parent, everything is only about money.

Yet when my daughter asks why I am not with her Dad I say quietly- we were just very different,  your Dad is a good guy.

And he can be except when he isn’t.

So here I am trying to decide how to handle the latest untruth he told her about me.

I want her to have a good relationship with her Dad. It just sucks that it seems to be at everyone’s expense but his.

People tell you children hit an age where they figure it out. They realize the love and sacrifice you put forth. I’m hanging in there but MAN (!) there are days! I want to let fly and tell her how I still get anxious every day at 430. How I practically beg/chant “please stop”if I feel an argument brewing. I am still not strong enough to engage in any conversation that feels like an argument. I’ve been known to just leave. How it’s hard for me to trust. How I’m hypercritical of how I look. How I still worry all the time.

How sorry I am that we’re here. But I need her to know, more than anything what Happy looks like. What Love looks like. I need her to know she deserves the sun, the moon, and the stars. She deserves someone who loves her even when she is almost impossible to love.

As do we all.

Big loves Mommas

<3 Caprise

Recognition Of The Solitary Mamas

Ok Mamas, raise your hand if you are divorced? Everyone, keep your hands up. How many have been divorced more than one time? That would be me. Show me the ladies that are truly solo without a partner to share parenting. Girls, you have a special place in my heart for you. I can’t imagine. Now, look around. We are not alone. That is a good thing!

I am a mom that has been twice divorced. It is not a bragging right. Sometimes I hold it in high humor. You know, good old Helen did it how many times?

All and each of you are so bad-ass for taking this journey. Oh lord, it can suck out loud more times than none. Cleaning vomit in the middle of the night, a baby that is teething and crying, the never ending colic. With the realization of there isn’t anyone to blame about it, we carry on. We hold the children and just go with it. The laundry is piling up, the house is a mess. And yet, with while bathed in spit up, we managed to get it done. It may not be pretty but you certainly survived. Go you! Do you really think anyone else could pull it off? Absolutely not! That is why we are the blessed mamas. We rock this!

To each and every lady, thank you! We aren’t perfect, we are human. We try, we succeed. The job always gets done. Is there anyone else there to help? Nope. As usual, we are flying solo.

Again, thank you! We strive and work so hard. Our children are the reason why we have the job. The small wet kisses are so wonderful. The giggles and glee are just priceless. Be selfish here, who else gets these kinds of presents? Nobody! Case in point, when they get in front of the camera at college, the first thing we hear is, “Hi, Mom!”. We are special.

You will never be alone in your fight. When bad days happen, when the tears are flowing, remember that we are warriors and you are a rock star. Everyday, all day long and even twice on Sunday. Go You!

 

Striving for exceptional – Tristen Ahlsey

Missing The Familiar Even When The Familiar Made Me Sad

Familiar….

I could have sworn as he was leaving he said “see you babe.”

More than likely he said “see you in a bit.”

Sometimes when he leaves I almost, almost go to kiss him goodbye. Not out of want, but merely out of old habit. Like a Freudian slip. It’s very rare, but it’s still there.

Usually his presence makes me a bit twitchy and uncomfortable. I don’t like to catch his gaze because what I see in return is either sadness, longing, or a complete dark emptiness I don’t recognize or like. I see someone I once knew, thought I knew, and lost. Someone I lost a long time ago and spent years trying to get back. Looking at him reminds me that I failed.

I closed the door behind them, sighing, for a fleeting second recognizing his shape, then back of his head, his funny gait (he’s always had this walk, I can’t explain it, but he never really held his head up to see where he was going. Maybe part of the reason he was always lost). For a split second he was familiar and yet being married to him felt so, so long ago.

I shook my head and I carried warm, clean sheets upstairs to make my bed. As I untangled fabric and the scent of new detergent lingered in my nose I couldn’t help but feel as empty as the stark, undressed mattress in front of me.

So this is starting over. The people I went to school with, for the most part, are just finishing up getting married or raising their first, heavenly-scented newborn. They were me years ago, before Instagram, hashtagging love and smiles with heart eyes when they catch a glimpse of their significant other holding a baby, petting the new puppy or dangling the keys to the new house.  It’s sweet. All the stuff that happens in front of the camera. They are still picking out drapes for their new construction home it took two years to build and upgrading that sedan for an SUV to fit their $350 stroller they don’t yet know they will sell in an online yardsale group they don’t yet belong to in a year and a half. They are in the throes of just starting a chapter of their life that maybe they’d always dreamed of and I’m making a bed for one, living the story I never wanted to write, never thought I would tell.

Last night, a guy at a bar interrupted my giggles with my girlfriend to ask whose birthday we were celebrating.

Poor guy, but smart line.

He asked me what I was drinking and I said it was sweet and he sidestepped and made a face.

“What?” I say.

“I don’t do sweet,” he replies and does a half grimace.

“Neither did my ex-husband,” flew out of my mouth as I turned back around.

A group of his friends enjoyed playing “let’s guess her age” and apparently because I didn’t wear the band of honor on my left hand, I won back a few years.

Oh, to actually be 26, boys. No one asked if I had kids; clearly, I was too young to be divorced. Let me tell you about the softness in my torso, the spot that carried two babies for 40+ weeks. The stretch marks on my thighs and the wrinkles around my eyes from squinting while I watched them play in the yard and had no idea where my sunglasses were. Lines around my mouth starting to show from smiling so hard at them I thought I’d physically burst because no matter how much I was hurting as a woman, I was so full of love and focus as their mom.

I don’t want to do this. I don’t want to be “out there.” I already did this and I thought this part of my life was done. I did marriage, I did babies. I didn’t plan for this, I didn’t have an “option B.”

I don’t want to retell all my stories, I don’t want to start over. I want to be at home in my yoga pants without makeup and my messy bun and my glasses. I want a glass of my sweet wine that you don’t make fun of. I want a back rub and a movie and maybe some ice cream. I want to be interrupted while I’m doing dishes to have my neck kissed or spun around the dirty kitchen floor to a song I love. I don’t want to impress you or make you fall in love with how devoted of a mother I am, or how good I am at multitasking. I don’t want to have to try and be loveable or witty or prove how smart I really am even though I can’t even find the correct circuit breaker to flip most of the time and I forget to empty the dryer lint trap.

I want easy and comfortable and genuine and fierce. I want to know if I tell you all my stories, if I show you all my scars, you will listen and you will stay.

I do miss the familiar, even though the familiar made me feel sad, and broken and empty and alone. It was recognizable, it was within reach.

I want to be loved relentlessly: a completely unfamiliar feeling I didn’t know you could miss if you’ve never had it.

Jessica-An Awesome Single Mama

Surviving Quiet and Being Alone

One would assume when they read the title of this post and knowing the author is a divorced single mom that she is talking about being single and not in a relationship. There is truth to that; it’s extremely difficult to go from being married for almost 18 years to being single again. There was so much to get used to – sleeping in bed alone, waking up alone, no other adult to talk to in the house, no one to bounce ideas off of or vent about work with, no one to celebrate successes with, no one to share household chores with and the list goes on and on.

For me, it was the little things …. I was used to calling my husband on the way home from work, finding out how his day was, what time he thought he would be home, etc. After the separation, I found myself picking up the phone out of habit and having to stop myself from calling him.

As a new single mom, I had to learn how to deal with co-parenting and following a parenting plan. We began with the girls going to his house every other weekend. The thought of having a weekend to myself sounded appealing and exciting but it wasn’t as great as I thought. All the times I had dreamed of having a weekend to myself and now it was here and I didn’t know what to do with myself. The quietness in the house was deafening. As a mom, I am always surrounded by people – at home with my kids, at work, at activities and running errands. Even growing up, I went from my parents’ house to college with roommates, then got married and had kids. The only time I had any alone time after having kids was in the car on the way to or from work.

When we first started the parenting plan schedule, I made sure to make plans with friends each time the girls were gone so I wouldn’t have to endure the quiet, lonely feeling I felt. Back then, I was scared of the quiet and alone time, so I wanted to fill my time with things to do so I wouldn’t have to spend my time reliving difficult or sad moments. After a few months of this, I realized that I needed to learn how to really be by myself and be ok with it, so I would force myself to stay home alone– I would try to make it as enjoyable as I could with things like takeout and a movie.

This year, during the week of Thanksgiving, the girls went on a trip with their dad for a week. I had been so busy for most of the year and I couldn’t wait to be on my own for a few days. I made plans each day, but I also made sure to have a lot of down time by myself that week. It had been quite a challenging year and I had a lot of pent up frustrations and emotions and I will admit that I cried every single day that I was alone. I know now that I needed to have those cry days and it was ok and I felt better afterward. I needed that quiet time to sort through my feelings and emotions and let everything go.

Slowly, over time, I have come to enjoy and appreciate my alone time. Sometimes, I drive in the car without listening to music or a podcast just to have a little peaceful moment or two. The quietness when the girls are gone is welcome, although I miss having them around, but I know that I need it to keep myself mentally at peace.

I also have learned that, although I hope I will be in a relationship again in the future, I would prefer to be single than be in a relationship that doesn’t work for me or where I’m not valued. This time alone has taught me that I’m a good person just the way I am and I deserve to be loved and valued, all things that I’m not sure I realized before.

I know it’s not always easy to live in the quiet and loneliness, but sometimes you have to do it so that you can work through all the feelings and emotions you’ve been ignoring. It’s tough and it’s not fun at all, but it’s necessary so you can get to the other side of things ….. better things.

~Laxmi~

You can follow Laxmi on her blog at  https://onedesigirlsjourney.wordpress.com/.