Tag Archives: divorce

The Mom Rollercoaster

The mom rollercoaster…….

It is Sunday. As I do music in my ears.. Coffee in my mug. Writing. Today’s. Song is David Gray “This Year’s Love.”  It’s a beautiful lament about someone he loves and the hope it sticks. Not really relevant to this blog but I would be lying if I didn’t say it is definitely hitting some things for me.

Maybe a blog for another time. Today is about my daughter. This extra time while what we both needed has also given us time to have some deep conversations.

Hard conversations.

Painful conversations.

About her Dad and I.

I naturally assumed she was too little to remember the constant fights. I wrongly assumed that even after we left because they weren’t as frequent that would make it easier on her.

I naturally assumed because we didn’t do it in front of her she didn’t notice.

Since I used the word assumed several times. If you are assuming I was wrong you are correct.

My daughter writes. Tons of stories. Her characters are off shoots of her friends and herself. Bits and pieces. Some truths, some exaggerations. Like all storytellers do.

Last night she was telling me about one of her new characters and it opened up a conversation about how much her Dad and I fought.

She point blank asked me why I never shut  him down. It goes without saying I started to cry. 

I asked her if she thought I enjoyed arguing in general. She said no you are incredibly kind Mom.

I said right. I asked if she had ever heard of the path of least resistance.

She said no.

I explained to her. Sometimes it is easier to just let things go then fight back. Other times you have to yell to be heard. For me there felt like there was never a right way.

I can’t tell her – your Dad was emotionally abusive. I can’t tell her I would start to have panic attacks at 4pm everyday because that is when he came home.

I can’t tell her how I had to ask him permission to even change the color of our living room curtains.

Instead…

I told her she is my favorite person. I love her more than anything. I am not perfect, I mess up and I am sorry that she was ever made to feel anyway by seeing her Dad and I fight. But not to feel she couldn’t continue to ask me about things. To not feel we couldn’t continue to talk about things. She needs to know she may not always like the answers and I may not give them to her.

I am not going to lie to you Mommas my heart hurts a little from this. I tried really hard to bubble wrap her from some of this and it appears I forgot the tape.

All I can do is keep talking.

 Keep telling her I love her.

 Keep on keeping on.

This Mom thing is quite the ride,a rollercoaster, but it’s my favorite of all of them.

Be safe

Much love Mommas

<3 Caprise

And Just Like That…Gone

And just like that she was gone.

I have wrote before about another woman spending time with my kids.   Now I am not sure what is worse… a new woman spending time with my kids or when that new woman just unexpectedly walks out of their lives. This woman came into my ex husbands life about five years ago. And immediately she was thrown into mine and my children’s lives. She wanted to be involved in every aspect of their lives. And now 5 years later, their step mom walked back out.

I always knew she would eventually just walk out. I believe it was just a gut feeling… I can admit now that I was never a fan of hers… never.   Yes, for years I bite my tongue in front of my kids. I put up with her lack of boundaries for myself or my children. I lived with the constant disrespect that she showed to me and my kids for years. And I did this because I knew my kids loved her…

Instead of of participating in any engagement with her, I set up numerous boundaries over the years. I had to set up these boundaries to survive.   I know many of my friends that have great relationships with their ex spouse and their new partner, but this was not the case with us. We could not co parent due to this woman being involved. And its not the story of the jealous ex wife, this woman had no limitations.

For years, I learned to let her be involved in school activities, conferences, religion class, field trips, sporting events, etc. And when I mean involved, I mean from the point of walking into my kindergartener’s classroom and introducing herself as their mom. From volunteering for field trips before I was even included. For volunteering for my daughters summer mission trip, which It did not know about until I attended the meeting. I would just back away and let her do it.   Arguing with my ex, was just useless… and I could not live my life with constant fighting or arguments. I knew the older my kids got, the more they would realize that she pushed herself on them all the time.

Yes, I still believe she did help my children in many ways. And I believe that she loved them…. However one day she just walked out. And I mean she just packed up her stuff and left for good.   My girls are teenagers now, so they had become less close to her over the last couple of years. Like all teenagers, they wanted their space and independence. She had a hard time with that and did not let them make their own decisions. In return, it caused a lot of arguments and tense situations at their dad’s house. And as they got older, they noticed the disrespect that she showed me….

However, my son is still young and impressionable. He was very close to her the last couple years. Since he was the youngest, they would spend a lot of time together.   He respected her and lover her… And he still has a hard time talking about her…. I remind him that she loved him and that she did a lot for him. I still want him to talk about the fun times with her and remember her for that.

I try to be as positive as I can in the situation with my son, without telling him my true feelings and anger towards what she did to them.

As for me, I have a lot of anger built up because I put up with this woman for 5 years. I put up with her pushing herself into their lives. I tolerated her obsession to be included in everything that included the kids. And then she just decided to leave their lives.

And as a mom, I just wanted to protect my children from everything. I always said my greatest fear would be that she would just walk out of their lives, and she did.   I knew I would have to be the one to help pick up their broken hearts. And I let her be involved in their lives, because as much as she paid no respect to myself or boundaries, she was still their step mom.

But the next time, I will not be as tolerating…

-Snarky

http://www.snarkydivorcedgal.com/

It Took A Pandemic To Co-Parent

It took a pandemic to get us to co-parent…Co-parenting during COVID… I have wrote before about how co-parenting is not for everyone.  My ex and I have not co-parented very well over the last 5 years. In the past, we have had minimal communication.  I have spent years developing boundaries and sticking to them.  I have limited the form of communication to mostly email and not engaging in additional texts on parenting.  As long as I kept it to those guidelines, things would stay civil with us.   

Then COVID started and everything had to change.  There is no way we would have survived parenting, teaching our kids, and working from home with how we had co-parented in the past.  We had to start communicating more effectively and become more flexible with our schedules.   

My ex had a very strict schedule with the kids at his house.  I had always been the more flexible parent and had adapted to my kids lifestyles.  My ex had a completely different parenting style than myself.  However, he learned that he would have to loosen the reigns a little to be able to survive having 3 kids at home everyday.  In addition, trying to work from home and following up on their school work.  He had to learn to give my kids some independence and trust them.  And in return over the last few months, my kids have enjoyed being there a lot more.  

We now had to communicate daily about the kid’s schoolwork.  We also had to schedule google meets between houses and teachers.  In addition, we had to be more flexible with our time with the kids.  We basically had to work together so that we were both able to work from home and divide up our kid time.  We had to learn to help each other out, which is something we had not done in years.  We had to be flexible on drop off and pick up times, along with additional time with the kids.  If one of us had more work commitments on a certain day, the other would take the kids longer.  

We also had to trust each other because neither one of us knew what would happen in the next few months.  We had to trust that what each other said or did would be followed through.  We had to trust that schoolwork and similar routines were followed at each house.   This was hard because I had not really trusted him in years and it made me nervous that it would backfire. 

I think one of the things that turned it around was that my son had to celebrate his 1st communion virtually this year due to COVID.  We all got together and my house and watched the 1st communion service virtually on the TV.    Watching it virtually was hard to get used too, but then we all had to sit together in my living room for over an hour.  I had no idea what we would even talk about.  This is the 1st time in 4 years that my ex has came past the front door and now he sat with all of us and we celebrated my son’s 1st communion.  A couple days after that, my daughter said, “ you and dad actually seem like you are friends”.  That was crazy to hear from my daughter, because over the last 5 years we had such limited communication. 

This was completely different from the past.  It was hard to get used to our new relationship.  I had always wanted this type of co-parenting, but it had never happened.   There had always been so much anger and conflict from him over the last five years.  It was hard to trust that he was beginning to be flexible and even supportive of my parenting.  

There was no more questioning on my decisions.  In addition, he was letting the kids make some of their own decisions at his house.  Having the kids notice the difference in our relationship was probably the greatest outcome from COVID.    

I can only hope that six months or a year from our now, we are still communicating and showing each other more respect.  Maybe it’s covid or the amount of time that has passed since our divorce, but I had always wanted my kids to see that we can still be great parents even though we are not together.  I hope that we are finally on the right track…


-snarky

 

https://www.snarkydivorcedgirl.com/

It’s Not Over

One of my favorite Lenny Kravitz songs has a refrain of “ and it’s not over ‘til it’s over.”

It’s playing on loop in my head as I sit anxiously waiting for my ex husband to leave. It is Father’s Day as I write this and he is having a social distance visit with our daughter.

Only the second one he’s had since our state when on virtual lockdown. As with the first, because I reached out. It was her birthday and rather than focus on that, he focused on Father’s Day. Pushed me for times so he could plan his day.

In my head- I am thinking you haven’t seen your child in two months. Drop everything! It’s her birthday! But that right there, has always been one of our problems. For me she has always come first.

For him, if it fit in his day.

We have been divorced for eight years. Seperated for even longer. My hope was we could co-parent. Get along. I am still waiting.

Not even ten minutes after stepping on our front porch he was yelling at me. When I pointed it out, he raised his voice more. I reminded him he was here to see our daughter. This isn’t about us, it’s about her.

Yet here I sit almost a decade later and it is still about us.

It is not over.

I live in fear. I hesitate to type that. But it’s my reality. When I speak up, he does what he can to turn my world upside down. He will make casual comments about when our daughter can legally make the decision to live where she wants.

When I speak up I am helicopter Mom. A tiger Mom. Overprotective. Overdramatic.

Granted you are only hearing my side.

But when we were married this was the guy who kept a spreadsheet of how much money he gave me, made me ask for permission to adjust the color of bathroom towels, let his friends tease me and joined in.

I endured it because there were glimmers and I really thought us being parents might make it better.

It made it worse. Now I didn’t give him any attention. He would get mad when I fell asleep with her when she was little but wouldn’t offer to help.

I worked part time, was a Mom and was trying to be everything to him. 

Not enough.

I have put a lot of this behind me. When I left he wouldn’t give me anything and I didn’t ask. I still don’t.

I have struggled a lot and I’m thankful my daughter never figured that out. 

I put our life back together.

I think that is the part that is hard for him I didn’t fail.

And I can put all the fights and hurt away until he’s standing on my porch yelling at me like he is allowed to.

Which he is not.

I have become really good at putting my hand out and calmly saying please don’t raise your voice at me.

I almost always cry later. Not for the reasons you think or maybe I do.

I just want him to move on. Let me go. Focus on being civil for the sake of the one thing we did right.

I didn’t do any of this to hurt him. 

I did it because he was hurting me.

 

Hope you are safe.

Much love Mommas

<3 Caprise

Dreams Of Growing Old With Someone

Dreams of growing old with someone I felt was the love of my life- catapulted me into a 2 decade marriage.  At a young age, I had no idea how little I knew and I had no understanding of what intimate, long lasting love was in a marriage.  I only knew that I wanted him to be the axis of my life.  He was everything I wanted to build my life around and so I did.

We were quickly blessed with a sweet little boy, and somehow, I now had 2 people to devote my time and love towards.  As the years went by, the deep love between my former spouse and I quickly turned to lies and hurt.  So many mistakes were made and we managed to devastate our little boy time and again.  As the marriage began to fade at a rapid pace, God gave us an unexpected miracle of a little girl.  Her existence became known only one day after an agreement for a divorce. We struggled even more to hold our marriage together, to give our children the opportunity of a family.  Our lives were impacted by military combat, frequent absences of their father and we were a lonely military family, away from our loved ones.  There was no village to help and rarely time together as husband and wife.

The years continued to go by and our children were our only joy. We managed to create a team effort, absent of real intimacy, void of trust.  We built a lovely home, strong careers and we ran a regimented home that kept the ship more than afloat.  As the years passed, I longed for another child, and I still deeply loved my husband.  And, so, one morning I learned I was pregnant and my entire life felt completely right again.

And then it wasn’t.

The marriage continued to break apart and was put back together time and again; more combat deployments and a diagnosis of Autism with our youngest son. We picked ourselves up from the many pains and crisis’ over the years, packed our belongings and departed the military life after 20 years.  We needed normalcy and time as a family.

Two short years later, it ended in divorce.  Abruptly.  And we waged an emotional war on each other that I can clearly see now is shameful and did detrimental harm to our children.  It eroded our emotional health, finances and family relationships.  We embedded distrust, anger and hatred in our family.

Fast forward 4 years, we have just begun to be civil and really try and co parent our last remaining child that lives at home.  Are we friends?  I wouldn’t go that far. But, I would say that we are doing everything right in the best interest of our children, and our grandchildren.  We face the challenges that all of our children are dealing with because of their traumas and because we were too consumed by our own pain to think clearly.  Some of those traumas were from the military life we had together and others from the turbulent divorce.

Recently, my former spouse gave me the courtesy of letting me know he is remarrying.  I was grateful because it gave me the chance to brace myself for impact with our children.  His courtesy was an opportunity for me to see that our family is moving on in healthy ways and we can help our children prepare for more changes.  I know my children will struggle with this, but it is my prayer and hope that they will see that we are still a family.  It will take more time for them to accept the finality of the divorce; that the last shred of hope is absolutely gone.  Four years is but a drop in the bucket compared to 25 years.

I hope my children’s father finds in his new marriage all that we lacked in ours.  I want that for him; to see him happy and to grow old with a wonderful person by his side.  I can only hope that our children will embrace their father’s new life and that they know in their hearts that he does love them.  And that, his “moving on” from the marriage he shared with me is not about “moving on” from his relationship with our children.

I hated to love him after the marriage fell apart.  And, it felt good to love to hate him for so long.  But now, I feel peace and contentment in what we had, what was lost and what we have since found as civil people that deeply love the children we were given.  From our teenage marriage and ongoing brokenness, we created two sons, a daughter and were given the blessings of a daughter in law and 3 grandsons.

I’ll forever be grateful for the good times we shared and for the years we tried to give it our best.  We were teenagers when we married and we taught each other so much about life.  But, my most amazing lesson is that through so much devastation, former partners can find common ground when you share a deep love for the same people.

I’ll always have many regrets.  And, there was a phase where I swore I regretted the entire marriage.  But, since the dust has settled and there is a mutual effort of building trust and respect, I now remember that there were good times.  And, we did do some things right.  We made beautiful children that still deserve both of their parents involvement and support.  And if that means that our family grows through remarriage, then that’s what it means.  I think there is never too many people to love our children and grandchildren.

So, the dream of growing old is different now.  There is no sitting on the porch swing next to my children’s father, grey haired with our grandbabies at our feet.  But, I do dream of more laughter and smiles, and our children taking the next step forward in healing after all they have been through in their lives.

– Carmen 
Not Just Nearly Learn happiness, But Really Learn happiness

Do I Need A Man?

Do I need a man? I heard a commercial on the radio for a new talk show. One line stood out to me in a snippet of interviews. I have no idea who it was, but she said (and I’m paraphrasing), “when I got divorced, I found I needed men to help me find my way back to myself.” That line has been sort of reverberating around in my head for the past couple of days. I’ve been trying to figure out if it was true for me or not.

As an independent woman, I think my first inclination is to say; wait, I don’t need a man for anything. I only want a man for things. However, the more I think about it, the more I feel a connection to those words. There are some men in my life that I really needed to go through in order to know what I wanted, what I needed, and what I deserved. Then, ultimately when I found all of those things in someone, I needed to be able to let him heal some things in me that I could not heal on my own.

Let’s start with the first guy I fell for. He may have been the first guy I genuinely fell for my whole life. But looking back, I fell for a game. He was well versed in keeping women’s attention and he thrived on it. We never dated, but we talked all the time. We talked about random things, sometimes nothing exciting at all. But he was who I wanted to talk to. I was hooked on the conversation. And he really talked to me. It was something I hadn’t had in my marriage. So, what I learned from that is that I needed someone who would talk to me. Someone who would be my go-to person. That is the positive that I learned, and I won’t even delve into the negative.

Next was the guy who was amazing in bed. He wasn’t just amazing in bed though, he was genuinely attracted to me and could not get enough. That was important because it was something else lacking in my marriage. I needed to know that someone could see me like that. Because I saw myself primarily as a mother, then as the ex-wife of a man who never wanted me, and never as an attractive woman. I also learned in a successful relationship, sex is a very important part of the foundation for me.

Lastly, was the man who treated me like a princess. He was older than me and very kind. At first he lavished attention, time, and gifts. He always opened my car door and treated me with respect. He made me feel beautiful and taken care of. It didn’t work out, but it was a mostly positive experience. He taught me that I deserve those things because I’m willing to give them.

So I learned all of those things that I wanted in a relationship by dating men. So, it was true for me, I did need men to help me realize things about myself. There were other men, my ex-husband, one narcissistic nightmare, and various others along the way, but I am choosing to focus on the good I learned from them and not the negative, though I learned many cautionary tales. They molded me as well, but I am afraid not necessarily in good ways, except maybe to make me stronger and wiser.

I learned I need meaningful conversation and a lot of it. I learned that sex and feeling attractive is huge for me and has to be solid. And I learned that I want to be treated well, maybe not over the top, but some chivalry is very much appreciated. And then I knew I needed those things to have a successful relationship. And then I met someone who gave me all three.

Stronger Than Yesterday,

Alice

This Time

There is an INXS song and the lyrics are “this time will be the last time…”.

It plays over in my head a lot because I have a laundry list of things I promise myself I won’t do again.

Some are of the warm fuzzy variety. Some are what everyone does. Some are so I can do something.

Some I have tried before and some are long overdue.

As much I write about loving yourself and supporting other people.

I have an incredibly hard time doing that with myself.

I tell people be open. I tell people be honest.

I try to trust and love with my whole heart…

YET…

I have spent a lifetime of letting people believe what they want because it was easier than the truth.

Sometimes even with my own family.

I have spent several relationships putting up walls and waiting for the other shoe to drop.

It’s twenty three years later and I am still being shaped by it.

It was being with a man for almost two years who abused me and not telling anyone. I was too ashamed to tell anyone because prior to that, I had always been the woman who told other women they shouldn’t tolerate it. How could I let this happen?

When we met there were so many red flags. Even now, I am not sure why I ignored them as strongly as I did. The abuse didn’t start right away. It started after I confronted him about things coming up missing, checks bouncing. Then it was everything.I would find out later he slept with a neighbor and when she refused to let him move in with her, he stayed with me, but made it clear how unhappy he was. All the time.I tried to kick him out. Several times.But when you are embarrassed to tell anyone what is going on, it makes leaving difficult. He made it difficult. And I honestly thought I made this mess I had to figure out how to get out of it.

I realize now how incredibly insane that is.

The tipping point was him calling my workplace and threatening me. My boss intervened, sent me home and said pack his stuff, call your parents.

So I did.

It was awful.

I put his stuff outside and he yelled at me from our apartment courtyard. A neighbor stood guard until my Dad came. The same neighbor apologized for never doing anything.

I told him he was here now.

My Dad came.

The cops came.

And it was as awful and uncomfortable as you can imagine, because my Dad had no idea.

He literally had no idea.

I still don’t think he knows the whole deal and that is ok. It has to be. (Ok, it’s not ok. But it i am not sure I will ever be able to tell my parents everything that went on. )

Because I just dealt with it. Until I couldn’t anymore. I didn’t want to let my family down or be a burden. I didn’t want to disappoint anyone. So much that I endured something horrible on my own.

Please don’t do that. If you tell someone and they don’t believe you. Tell someone else until someone hears you.

The biggest mistakes I have made are believing I wouldn’t be believed and that no one would want to hold my hand and help me get through WHATEVER it is I need to get through. That’s not true. I promise you. That’s not true.

As I am very aware it’s easy for me to say all of this when I have decades between then and now.

When you are in it, you really are just fight or flight. Just get to the next day.

I made it to the next day. In fact I made it through some decades.Because thankfully, I found people who would listen and hold my hand.

I learned I let the people I love down more by not letting them in.

Much love Mommas

Be safe

<3 Caprise

I Do Not Regret

I do not regret my marriage or my divorce,it has been five years since I decided on my divorce and I still trust my decision. And I say “I’ because I was the one that finally said the words and knew I needed to start the process. It’s crazy how some days I want to change things in my daily life,what I say or do, but I have never wanted to change my decision on my divorce. However, I have also never wanted to change my decision to get married.

I do not regret my marriage and I do not regret my divorce. I know it’s probably hard for some to understand. I actually had many good years during my marriage. We were not the explosive fighters or abusers, we were just a couple that got lost and couldn’t get it back together. However, in those 13 years I experienced a lot.

We had a few years being married without any children, when we were newlyweds buying our 1st house, excelling in our careers, still hanging out with college friends, and enjoying our free time together. Then over the next 10 years of our marriage, we had 3 kids….

I learned how to be a mom and I am still learning. There are so many experiences from that time of my life that I could never regret it. I love to tell my kids all the stories from when they were little, along with stories about their dad and I.

Many times, I wondered why I never regretted either. At times I wonder what makes me different from others that regret their marriage or regret their divorce. I’m still waiting to feel some type of regret, but I never do. At times, it’s like I want to make myself feel some regret but I don’t. My divorce does not make me sad, I know it was the right decision.

I could be a negative person about my marriage and my divorce, but that is just not me. I try to not be the person that is always saying “why me”. And I do not want to all concentrate on all the negative. The truth is, I made the decision to get married and then divorced. And neither decision makes me feel like a failure in either way.

I have spent the last 5 years building my life. I went back to work full time. I have bought a house. I have learned what I really enjoy and what I don’t. My kids and I have figured out a routine and life that works for us. And it does take time, it’s a long process to go through so many changes and emotions. And there are definitely some grey areas within those 5 years.

I continue to move forward. I continue to learn about what I want in life. I continue to remember what I took away from my marriage that needed work.

Communication was poor and I have tried to change that through my relationships with people now. I have learned to tell people more of what I want rather than guessing. My ex husband and I never discussed what we truly needed or wanted in our marriage. It was always a guessing game for me and trying to figure out what he wanted. I have now learned I need to ask.

I have also learned to not always be a pleaser to everyone and I say no. I have learned that I can make everyone happy.

My marriage and my divorce both actually helped me get to the person I am now. And continue to grow into. I know I am more myself now than I was when I was married, however I still do not regret any of it. But damn,I am a lot happier now. Enjoy life, all the experiences…

-Snarky

https://www.snarkydivorcedgirl.com/blog

I Have Returned

I have returned…

My divorce became final today.  This process took over a year and a half. And it was long overdue by about 7 years. I didn’t know how I’d feel when I got word that a decision had been made. Scared?  Sad? 

Relieved. All I feel is relieved. He broke me. Not in the physical sense. But emotionally, he broke me. I am a stay at home mom who shriveled into a corner as time passed. I was never complimented or acknowledged. I spent the last two years of our “cohabitation” being essentially ignored. 

And then the divorce process was horrific. Ugly, ugly words were said. Things I will never be able to completely forget. “You did nothing.  You deserve nothing.”  Meanwhile, I was a stay a home mother, raising two children under 8, while fighting stage 4 cancer. But I did nothing. 

Those words cut like a knife. Until one day I realized, “Like hell I did nothing.”  I am raising two children. Two AMAZING human beings. I kept this house together from the moment we bought it. I played Memory while having chemo pumped through me. And I looked death in the face at least 4 times and said, “Not today.  Maybe someday, but NOT TODAY.” 

Once he left the new home that we’d built just 2.5 years earlier, I began to find my shine again.  I took control of my life. I realized I’d dulled my shine to allow him to be the star. I used to be funny. I used to be outgoing. I used to smile. I stopped being that person in order to make him happy.  I pushed all of that away during my marriage. Somehow I’d let myself believe that his needs and wants were more important than mine. And I became passive.  Quiet. “Just” a mom. 

And now that he’s gone, I’ve returned.  I walk taller. I’m proud of myself again.  I’m focused on myself and my kids and I’m thrilled to be back. I no longer dull my shine because I’m afraid to be noticed. I laugh and I engage with people and those that knew me pre divorce are now seeing who I really am. A friendly, caring, funny woman who is also realizing who SHE really is again. 

I spent a long time worrying about what I’d do after divorce. And now I know, it’s the best thing that could have ever happened to me. Even my chemo is easier now, because I feel better on the inside. I’m happy again. And I will never, EVER again allow someone to tell me I’m nothing.  I’m stronger and I’m more confident. I’m now a single mom, a stage 4 cancer survivor and a damn good woman. And I’ve never felt happier in my life. 

-Kate

Understanding About Why My Marriage Didn’t Work

It’s funny how years later, the past seems so much clearer.. I finally understand why my marriage didn’t work and it doesn’t make me sad.

I was going through my old pictures and cards this week.  One of the many projects, that I have put off for years, but now being stuck at home I’ve finally motivated myself… I’m sitting in my storage room in the basement by myself going thru all these old keepsakes and bins. 

I came across all my old birthday, mothers day, and anniversary cards from my ex husband.  I sat there and read them all.  I think for the first time I realized how much thought and love he put into writing those cards.  I just wish he could have communicated all those thoughts to me out loud during our marriage. Reading those cards now, it was crazy to read the paragraphs he wrote about how much he loved me.  At the time, when I was married he could not communicate many things to me. He couldn’t communicate how he felt about me or ask what we both needed in our marriage.  And at the time, him writing those thoughts once a year wasn’t what I was looking for in our marriage.  Eventually the lack of communication was one of the main reasons our marriage ended 

I sat there thinking about when did I fall out of love with him.  Those cards seemed like there was so much love between us, but in reality it wasn’t like that.  I believe that I was in love with him when we got married and started to have kids, but somewhere through the next 13 years I fell out of love.  The communication started to dwindle, we started to do activities separately, and I felt like I wasn’t the same person I was years ago. I remember feeling like I was never appreciated and that he had no input in any decisions.  We eventually had little to talk about.  I felt like I was constantly trying to get him to communicate or show any interest and he just couldn’t. 

It’s a hard thing to think about.  Did I love him in the beginning? And when did it change? What was the exact point that I just didn’t care anymore?  Marriage and relationships take constant work from both parties.  I know that by the time I realized our marriage was in trouble, I didn’t have much effort left. I honestly had already checked out.  We spent over a year in marriage counseling separate and together.  Unfortunately for my husband at the time, I learned more about myself and realized I was not in love with him anymore.  We were both trying to make changes in our relationship but we just couldn’t connect. 

Yes I could have stayed in the marriage and had a good life, but I wanted more for myself. I remember even thinking maybe I could stay and we could just be friends. Crazy thoughts.. but I’m sure many of us have had them.  I wanted to be happy.  It might sound selfish, but I couldn’t spend the next 40 some years with someone that couldn’t talk to me.. couldn’t ask about my day or be excited about the things I wanted in my life.  And as time went on, I turned to my friends for all those things.  Or I didn’t even tell him the things I was excited about….i just went through a lot of motions of being in a happy marriage, but I wasn’t. 

Looking thru all these cards now, didn’t make me sad.  I know that he wrote what he felt.  This is hard to write about because I don’t want to sound heartless but reading those cards didn’t make me sad or regretful.  I have many great memories of our time together.  It just made me understand maybe more about why our relationship didn’t work.  And it’s ok that I’m not sad about it…

-snarky 

 

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