One of my favorite Lenny Kravitz songs has a refrain of “ and it’s not over ‘til it’s over.”
It’s playing on loop in my head as I sit anxiously waiting for my ex husband to leave. It is Father’s Day as I write this and he is having a social distance visit with our daughter.
Only the second one he’s had since our state when on virtual lockdown. As with the first, because I reached out. It was her birthday and rather than focus on that, he focused on Father’s Day. Pushed me for times so he could plan his day.
In my head- I am thinking you haven’t seen your child in two months. Drop everything! It’s her birthday! But that right there, has always been one of our problems. For me she has always come first.
For him, if it fit in his day.
We have been divorced for eight years. Seperated for even longer. My hope was we could co-parent. Get along. I am still waiting.
Not even ten minutes after stepping on our front porch he was yelling at me. When I pointed it out, he raised his voice more. I reminded him he was here to see our daughter. This isn’t about us, it’s about her.
Yet here I sit almost a decade later and it is still about us.
It is not over.
I live in fear. I hesitate to type that. But it’s my reality. When I speak up, he does what he can to turn my world upside down. He will make casual comments about when our daughter can legally make the decision to live where she wants.
When I speak up I am helicopter Mom. A tiger Mom. Overprotective. Overdramatic.
Granted you are only hearing my side.
But when we were married this was the guy who kept a spreadsheet of how much money he gave me, made me ask for permission to adjust the color of bathroom towels, let his friends tease me and joined in.
I endured it because there were glimmers and I really thought us being parents might make it better.
It made it worse. Now I didn’t give him any attention. He would get mad when I fell asleep with her when she was little but wouldn’t offer to help.
I worked part time, was a Mom and was trying to be everything to him.
I have put a lot of this behind me. When I left he wouldn’t give me anything and I didn’t ask. I still don’t.
I have struggled a lot and I’m thankful my daughter never figured that out.
I put our life back together.
I think that is the part that is hard for him I didn’t fail.
And I can put all the fights and hurt away until he’s standing on my porch yelling at me like he is allowed to.
Which he is not.
I have become really good at putting my hand out and calmly saying please don’t raise your voice at me.
I almost always cry later. Not for the reasons you think or maybe I do.
I just want him to move on. Let me go. Focus on being civil for the sake of the one thing we did right.
I didn’t do any of this to hurt him.
I did it because he was hurting me.
Hope you are safe.
Much love Mommas