Tag Archives: define

I Don’t Know Where To Start

I don’t know where to start…I had a really hard time writing this blog this week.

Typically something happens , I share it and away we go.

Except some things are so heavy, they are things I struggle even to share with the people closest to me.

But sometimes a share is something someone else needs.  To know they are not alone.

So here it goes…

I have been struggling. I am a happy person about 80% of the time. 90% on a good week. I fight hard for it. I wasn’t always. A happy person. Another blog maybe.

However, over the last few weeks. The stress of work, my personal life, a health scare. I have been holding it together with duct tape and bubble gum.

I have done a good job of putting on a brave face but when I’m alone I’m at my worst. I’m quick to cry anyway- see my last blog. But this is different. Stopping is hard. Starting is way too easy.

While I don’t have the  Webster Dictionary definition of depression. I do have these moments. If I’m being honest, I’m embarrassed that I do. What in my life is so bad? Others have it worse. I should be able to handle it. At least that is the tape that plays in my head.

My therapist would not to be pleased, that even after a few years together that tape still plays in my head.

Depression.

Sadness

Anxiety

Those are words that while they are spoken more than they used to be. Still bring with them a certain amount of side eye.

“You don’t look depressed.”

“What do you have to worry about?”

The reality is we all are fighting.

Some of us just hide our battles.

I finally fessed up to mine when one of my nearest and dearest sent me a picture of the newest member of their family.

He is of the four legged variety and I’m excited to meet him.

My N&D asked me how I was.

I said I felt like a lightning bug in a jar.

She replied with “a damn beautiful lighting bug…”

Cue the waterworks

Even saying that was hard.

Telling one of my best friends I was hurting was hard.

Sharing with you all is scary.

Here’s the thing…even as someone who has a hard time believing it.

There is no shame in the struggle.

It is ok to need to ask for help.

It’s beyond alright to have a good cry in your car.

Please know I’m not making light of this but I am definitely trying to lighten the mood.

For me, for you.

I shared this, so you know Mommas we all have our moments.

Those moments don’t define you. Those moments don’t make you any less fantastic.

Those moments make you – you.

<3 Caprise