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New To Online Dating

I was texting Lilly as I sat in my car in the Starbucks parking lot. The wind was howling outside, and I was waiting to meet the newest guy I met through an online dating app, for a quick coffee. While I hate the process, I decided to dabble in the exercise for the sake of experience. After all, I did some research and uncovered that 75% of current relationships were started online so there may be something to it.

Me: Where are you?

Lilly: Home cooking

Me: Okay, I’m at the Starbucks parking lot meeting Joe. I’m not sure how his height is going to be, but I need to just get it over with and see.

Lilly: What Starbucks are you at?

Me: The one by my house. Lol

Lilly: lol

Me: Call me in 20 minutes. If I pick up, ask me for a ride and I’ll let him know I need to leave.

Lilly: Ok

From her quick response, I immediately knew she was preoccupied and would mess it up in one way or another but that’s when I saw him speed up in his white Jeep Cherokee so I didn’t have time to call her to clarify details. I was immediately grateful for the two vodka nips I picked up and guzzled before I decided to meet him at Starbucks. He hopped out his car and I when say hopped out, that’s exactly what I mean. He needed to hop to reach the ground. Ok here we go…

I got out of my car and smiled brightly. We gave a friendly side hug before we ran in to get out of the cold. The café was warm and empty. As we stood in line, he chatted animatedly about many things all at once. I was gorgeous; my hair smelled good like strawberry; it was freezing outside; he just took a shower at the gym and he knew exactly what coffee he wanted to order.

My initial impression (because we were at eye level) was he had soft kind eyes and small features. His lips were large but slightly chapped. His hat was faced backwards and was most likely the smallest hat he could find in an adult size but it was still too big. I felt the urge to tap it off his head and throw it across the counter. I could feel my anxiety rising. Why am I being mean?

“How can I help you?”, a visibly irritated female barista asked as I stood at the menu board with a confused look on my face. My look wasn’t about whether I wanted a tall or venti coffee. I was thinking about the little person standing behind me and imagined him excitedly assessing my ass. I wanted to kick him away.

Joe saved the day by ordering a fancy long latte that he obviously drank regularly. To save myself from further irritation, I said, “I’ll have the same in decaf.” Last thing I need is to be up all night with this damn coffee

While he waited for his fancy latte, I walked away and found two chairs in the corner that we could sit in. I was thinking Lilly had about 10 more minutes to call me and ask me for a ride.

I sat down and waited for him to join me. He picked up our two coffees and as he walked toward me to sit down with a huge smile, I fought the urge to push him out the way and run out to my car before anyone came in and recognized me. I imagined what they would say. I saw Nadia today talking to a little person. She must have been interviewing him for a job! That’s so nice! That’s a good alibi. I thought. Let me cross my leg and put my professional voice on.

Joe takes his seat, hands me his coffee and exclaims how happy he is that I didn’t catfish him. He can’t believe I look just like my pictures. I smile a big toothy smile but a small part of me wonders if there is a hidden camera somewhere capturing my knee shaking as I resist the chance to point out that although his face looks the same as the selfies he sent me, the camera must have added an enlargement detail.

He is good at keeping the conversation geared toward himself and I’m forced to sit through understanding the Keto diet, how he lost 20 pounds in one month by following it and why certain political policies are not bad. My phone finally rings. I’m thrilled to grab it out of my jacket and see Lilly’s name.

Me: Hi!

Lilly: Hey how’s it going?!

Me: Oh really, What time? You need a ride?

Lilly: No! I’m cooking now (ugh I knew she would forget the code)

Me: Yes, don’t worry. I’ll be there soon!

Lilly: Well I’m still cooking. The food won’t be done for another hour!

Me: Ok, bye see you soon!

I hung up before she could talk anymore and ruin my cover. I looked up with a look of disappointment.

“Is everything okay?” The poor fellow eyes me with concern.

“Oh yes that was my best friend. She is going to need a ride later to her mom’s house so I will need to go get her soon.”

“Oh, that’s too bad I was going to invite you to my house and make you some wings in the air fryer. You would love it!”

“Aww, maybe next time! Well at least I have a few more minutes to finish our coffee.”

The next 5 minutes I noticed his knuckles were hairy, his teeth were tiny like they belonged in a 7-year old’s mouth and the first two were pointed toward each other. His size 5 sneaker dangled daintily as he easily crossed his leg while he broke down the latest recipe that he was planning to cook under the Keto diet guidelines (It’s a lifestyle).

Long story short, I got through my pretend job interview by being slightly buzzed, bored and determined to follow through on this coffee date. I gave him a breakdown on why I am not ready for a relationship and how basically I’m just meeting people to hang out with sometimes. He seemed to accept that and understand my explanation for not wanting to make immediate next day plans, but I could tell he would text me later that day.

I gave him a kiss on the cheek and a hug goodbye then breathed a sigh of relief that I had gotten through it without running into anyone or crying. As I drove toward Lilly’s house to eat and hopefully drink a glass of wine, I laughed out loud at the absurd circumstances in my life that brought me to Joe and our “interview” at Starbucks. Dating is going to be brutal. I dread the day that I find someone that I’m attracted to only to watch him take a call from his friend giving him a way out.

I guess the trick to this bullshit is to keep laughing because if I don’t find humor in it, the alternative may be to get stuck in my own mind, become bitter and lose the opportunity to meet someone that just may be what I need in this stage of my life…Nothing is permanent after all. At the very least, I’m inspiring stories and that alone is worth the 30 minutes in Starbucks looking at small teeth as I conversated with an entertaining character.

Update: He text me later that night and the next day and made it clear he was not happy that he noticed I was still logged on to the dating app. Needless to say, I politely wished him well.

~Lyn Melody

Back In The Pool

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Going back in the pool.

I have gently alluded to what I’m about to write about in a few blogs.

It’s a tricky thing when you write a blog like this. On one hand I know by sharing there is a chance I may help someone or make someone laugh. On the other hand I am putting a piece of me and sometimes someone else out in the universe.

That is hard enough to do normally but when you are a person who like me is incredibly guarded… let’s just say every week when I submit these I’m surprised by what I share.

However, in this case I have a blessing and strong encouragement so away we go.

So I’m dating again.

Not plural.

Just one person. He was a surprise and the more I get to know him the more I want to know him. I have broken a lot of rules for him and let me just say he is the most patient human.

He also likes to get me to get outside of my comfort zone.

For example eating at a restaurant I normally wouldn’t choose like…

Hooters.

Are you laughing yet?

Maybe rolling your eyes.

Or perhaps raising your fist in solidarity?

Here’s the thing while in college, I had a handful of friends who made quite a living off of working at Hooters. But I just could never see myself eating there.

Until a few weeks ago.

Him: Wanna get dinner tonight?

Me: Yes please

Him: How do you feel about wings?

Me: Love ‘em

Him: See ya at Hooters at 630

Me: (in a squeak…) ok

Him: You will be fine, seriously the food is good.

Me: Sure

I met him in the parking lot and he gave me his normal bear hug and kiss on my forehead. Held my hand and away we went.

As soon as the young ladies at the host stand said Welcome to Hooters… my face. So red.

Here’s the thing.

A couple actually… Hooters now (I’m going to go out on a limb) is decidedly different than the Hooters from my college days. Let’s start with the outfits, there were men working there, families (!) eating there and yes Mommas the wings were really good.

So much so, that when I left with my person I said I would come back, and I would.

But this isn’t really about Hooters.

It’s about stepping outside your comfort zone. It is easy to not try new things because you’re afraid or you believe it may be a certain way. Like for example- dating.

I am not going to tell you dating as a single parent is rough. You know.

I am not going to tell you dating as a woman of a certain age isn’t scary. You know that too.

I am not going to tell you that it’s a lot to put yourself out there after being made to feel like a failure by someone who didn’t deserve you. You know.

What I will tell you …

I am learning there is someone in my life who makes me feel more beautiful at 47 than I ever did at 25. Who asks about my day. Wants to know my G. Can tell when I’m sad. Surprises me. Supports my dreams. Sends me music.

Makes me teary as I write this- because for the first time in a long time I am not afraid to talk about a future. I can actually see it.

And yes, makes me want to break more rules.

I still have a life jacket near the edge of the proverbial pool,but I don’t know Mommas, kinda glad I got some wings at Hooters.

<3 Caprise

The Fixer of Broken Boys Part 10: The Guitar Player

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The Guitar Player…

After college I dated but no one stuck. I will be honest I was why. I might have still been hung up on Captain of Sport I don’t understand. AlsoI was picky. Silly picky. Maybe unfair picky. I also had a bad habit of stacking the men I was dating. I’m not proud of it but it was not uncommon for me to break up with someone and have someone waiting in the wings.

I was young – I had some pretty set rules to date me. Contrary to popular belief I was a pretty tame dater. Which was not a deterrent.

The guitar player almost wasn’t. I originally was set up with the lead singer of his band who forgot to tell me he had a live in girlfriend. The exact quote “maybe that’s his sister, nope you shouldn’t kiss your sister like that.”

Lead singer is now a famous movie director- you have definitely seen his movies. I stand by my choice.

The night that all went down the guitar player who had never talked to me asked me to hang out with him after their show.

“I just want to know you.”

He had this incredible voice. I have a thing about voices. His is one of my favorites. He also has this smile not smile he does. There are so many things. Some are too precious to share. Sorry not sorry.

No one had never said that to me. That they want to know me. He meant it. I was shyly grilled for several hours. He was older and I would find out later he and the lead singer played a game of Horse to determine if he could ask me out.

Aww romance.

We would date on and off for two very rough years.

Not because he was a bad guy. But I was not ready for what he brought to the table. I was 22 and trying to find my place in the world dating an incredibly handsome, incredibly talented older man dealing with crippling anxiety.

At that time there was no name for it.

Therapy was limited and the solution was lots of medication.

Our relationship became one where I felt I did all the work. 80% I did. Financially I pulled the weight. Emotionally I pulled the weight. At least it felt that way.

We loved each other.

I still love him. But when you struggle with your own self worth and want what everyone else has it’s hard to hold together a relationship with someone who is t healthy enough to be what you need.

When he could though… and if he had god damn I would have married that man.

But he couldn’t and didn’t.

We gave up.

I gave up.

My heart very broken. Still is now.

The guitar player will be back- but unfortunately I spend the worst year of my life with the one that should have never been.

~~Caprise
Single Mom of the amazing Dbl G
Teacher
Sometime DJ
T-shirt collector
Henry Rollins Middle Aged Punk Prom Date

The Fixer of Broken Boys Part 4: The Awkward Years

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Jason quickly took Jack’s place for the remainder of the summer as my poolside cheerleader. He became one of my very first guy friends. I think it is true when people say friendships start out between men and women, boys and girls because someone likes someone. In our case I think we liked the idea of each other but two hangs in we realized we were better friends.

Or it could be because I realized I played for the minors and he played for the majors. Or it could be shortly after he met the most popular girl in our school and she decided she had to have him as hers. When someone who previously didn’t acknowledge your existence suddenly invites them self to your neighborhood pool, it could be because of your hot new guy friend.

It really didn’t matter to me. This is what I knew- Jason was always sweet to my brother and kind to me. Again maybe because Jason had a much older sister he liked the idea of having a little brother. As for me – to this day I don’t know and I don’t care.

He was there when I needed him and was on and off until we were done with high school.

He let me cry when we ran into Jack and that horrible girl at the end of the summer cook out in our neighborhood. Jack looked uncomfortable she held onto him tightly and gloated. Making a point to walk past us more times than warranted. Jason through my tears kept telling me I would find my way this would not always be how it was. Other guys would get wise to what he knew.

He was kind of right.

We will get there.

Some side notes.

Jack married that horrible girl immediately after high school and joined the army immediately after the wedding. They are divorced but have a sweet looking daughter who has her Dad’s freckles and brown eyes. Jack wears big cowboy boots, big belt buckles and big cowboy hats. I am pretty sure he is a Republican. So even if we HAD worked out, we WOULD not have worked out.

Jason to his credit remained one of my closest friends until he moved out of state with his family. He also married the popular girl. They also have a beautiful daughter. We talk once in awhile. Jason teases me because he says he lost all his looks as he’s aged and my beautiful insides finally oozed to my outsides. Time has been kind.

Every girl should have a Jason in their life.

I started high school with a broken heart but a hot best friend.

Life didn’t seem too bad.

Except when it did.

Being shy can be a blessing and a curse. A blessing because it gives you that instant out. A curse because you find it extremely hard to be able to hold solid conversations with anyone. Much like Jason – most boys that got to know me loved the fact that I blushed. I think every high school year book I have someone who has written,”I hope that you don’t blush when you get into college.”

Guys I am almost 46 and I still blush.

The only difference is now people find it endearing.

Rather than a literal beacon of how uncomfortable I am.

And yes some still like to make me blush. But I like them and they make me happy.

We’ll get there…

Shyness got the best of me my first high school dance. I was really lucky because contrary to what the movie Footloose would have you believe our small town encouraged dances and dancing and even our friends not very good punk bands to have shows.

All of which shockingly my parents encouraged me to attend.

Imagine if you will 15 year old me.

Not even 5 ft tall. Maybe 85 pounds. An attempt at mall hair. Stirrup pants and a baggy sweatshirt. Awkward. So very awkward. But I had those family doe eyes.

Standing with a group of my equally shy, equally awkward, equally smart baby posse of girlfriends we waited together until the right song came one. Shy girls still love to dance and it was when we all let go. We didn’t care and honestly we didn’t need to. We were good dancers and we had so much fun.

While waiting for an excruciatingly long slow to end. I caught him staring at me. He was a senior and the quarterback on our football team. There was absolutely no way he was staring at me.

Yet he was. Poison’s Talk Dirty to Me came on and my friends squealed and started dragging me out on the dance floor. He came and stood in front of my group. We all froze.

“Hey, what’s your name?” “ME?!” “Yes.” “Are you sure?!” “Nice to meet you are you sure.”

He chuckled and walked away with his cronies.

My first week on the gymnastic team I had to go to the Senior hallway to give my team older sister a good luck flower. He saw me and yelled out “Hey are you sure?” I blushed. “You look more like a little monchichi to me”

There are worse nicknames a girl can have.

Trust me – we’ll get there.

Aww man will we ever.

Side note time: Big popular football player went onto have a pretty successful college career and marry a woman who would have an incredibly successful career as a writer. Not me, sillies. We did cross paths a few years ago. I am waiting in an airport to fly to see my person and I hear a guy yell “Monchichi”

Oh god no. There he was. Time I think is kind to people who are kind and he was a kind man. I knew it was him immediately. After the world’s clumsiest hug. I’m still short, so hugging a 6ft 3in man is tricky. “Monchichi! You glowed up girl”

Thanks. “How are you?” “Good – off to meet the wife at one of her book stops. I always liked the shy, smart girls. Lucky for me she knew her name when I asked her. And you? Wait a minute – you’re with that guy. The one…”

Oh no my friends.

Not yet.

As they say. You have to work for it.

Whether he knew it or not that very 80’s nickname guaranteed for quite awhile that my high school years were not too horrible. He had given me the gift of coolness. All because I was too shy to say my own name.

I also still lived in a neighborhood full of mostly boys. Who I got stuck carpooling with daily. I spent the first two years of high school wading through girls who really liked me or just liked me to get closer to those boys who I carpooled with. While again that odd relationship made sure I didn’t have any issues in high school. It also prevented any boy who might be interested in me or vice versa from asking. It’s hard to ask a girl anything when she is constantly surrounded by Motley Crue wannabes. It is also hard to be interested in a boy when said wannabes enjoy yelling out open car windows the name of your latest crush.

You learn fast to keep that information to yourself.

Don’t feel sorry for me though ok?

I did go to all the important dances.

Homecoming. Check

Twerp. Check

Prom. Check

Unfortunately I ended up getting a huge crush on my Twerp/Homecoming date. Who I found out later only asked me because he was the emcee, needed a date and knew as his buddy I’d say yes.

You win some you loose some.

I feel lucky in that I never experienced the angst and heartbreak in high school that my friends around me seemed to.

This might be because my parents were extremely honest about their situation. Graduated high school in June, married in October, baby in November. I am not great at Math but…

Besides I had the eyes on the prize. I was going to college. Away. No one was going to mess that up.

Except someone almost did and it isn’t even who you would think.

A caveat to going to college was trying to figure out how I was going to pay for it. My Dad worked in a factory. My Mom was a waitress. What I wouldn’t find out until months ago is they’re still paying off my third heart surgery well into my 20’s.

Which meant money was tight. The minute I could make money babysitting. I started doing that when I was 11. When I turned 16 I got a work permit and immediately started working in the same restaurant as my Mom. My poor zoo date worked there too. We will get there. I had a really small nest egg started. A thousand dollars. Which at that time and honestly even now was a lot.

Not long after getting my acceptance letter.

Side note: I got into every college I applied for. Why I settled on Whitewater, the world will never know. This one could have been learning about marine biology in Hawaii. I am part hippie after all. Insert smirky emoji here.

I get a frantic phone call from one of my friends.

“Caprise I’m pregant and I don’t know what to do.”

I met my friend at McDonalds- her mascara running down her face. “The guy won’t help me. I can’t tell my family. You can’t tell your family”

I’m going to take a pause here. Normal world that statement would cause me to tell my parents. However my world and my relationship with my parents was tight to say the least.

“What can I do?” “I need your college money.”

I didn’t mean to but I started crying.

“Caprise I will pay you back, please you have to help me.”

I would like to tell you she would pay me back. I would like to tell you from there on out money was never a constant point of contention. I would like to tell you when my ex husband kicked me out of our paid off house making $75k a year and me making $8.50/hr and with a 21/2 year old and no insurance and nothing.

Please guys, it is ok. This works out. It really does. I will tell you how. But first how about that infamous zoo date?

His name was Charlie. He legit looked like Opie from Andy Griffith and was about to start college at a Baptist college. So many things that did not check the boxes for me. The story goes my Mom who BTW not only forbid me to eat sugar (bad teeth) would not allow me to have a boyfriend. Yes a few brave souls tried. However, when the story got out about how my Dad broke his ankle running down icy stairs to go beat the shit out of two neighborhood boys who called me a series of unfortunate names and later pulled the stitches out of his hernia chasing after a peeping Tom… let’s just say I am just as surprised as you I went to any dances with boys.

There were times in not too far from then I wished my Dad was around. But he wasn’t.

I am not sure if we will get there.

Back to the story. My Mom worried about me going away to college wasn’t sure I would know how to go on an actual date. Asked her waiters/hosts if someone would take me out. Later I would find out the one I wanted to take me out offered and was told no.

We WILL get to him later.

Sweet. Kind. Very holy Charlie said yes. I still don’t know if Mom paid him and honestly I really, truly don’t want to know. He picked me up we went to the zoo, it was fun, I tore my pants getting out of his car. Nothing really great.

Charlie to his credit is still very sweet, still very kind and is the Deacon at some church down South. His wife is also a red head and they have four equally lovely red headed children.

We are about to enter my college years. Which means yes I figured it out. Not without some help.

I think every person deserves a champion. Several if possible. Mine came in the form of my Dad’s parents. Who lived down South which to this day seems like a foreign country and home at the same time. They have supported me my whole life. The first time I got drunk was with my Grandmother. I was 16 and we were on a cruise. We had docked on some Caribbean island I was in a room with them. She introduced me to rum and cokes. She also was the one who told me about sex. Not at the same time. Later that summer before I went to college over several glasses of red wine.

Before you judge don’t. She was amazing and I am crying while I type this and I can’t put into words how many times in the last 10 years I wish I could have called Duchess Three Sheets to the Wind. Princess Running Mascara misses you so much.

Heartbreak number four…

My Grandparents made sure I went to college. Ever since I was little they have made sure there are pockets of time where it is just us. I sometimes think it is so they can check up on my parents. When I was 2 they had to intervene to prevent me from living on a commune. I think to this day they still don’t trust them.

So every visit they would take me somewhere just us. Sometimes out for food, sometimes shopping, sometimes fishing but just us three and we would talk. Before they could even ask I started sobbing. I told them about my friend borrowing from my college fund. How it happened more than once. Now you know too. My Grandfather clicked his bridge. His tell as I call it when he had something to say but wouldn’t. My Grandma hugged me and said we will help.

They did. I still graduated with student loans but I think I only had to use laundry money a few times for party money. I did work during college but luckily and thanks to my Grandparents it wasn’t as much as some of my friends.

To this day my Grandfather finds time for just us. The conversations are sometimes harder. Sometimes they aren’t. Lately he is particularly interested in a certain young man in my life. Although in your 40’s it is pretty funny and fantastic to have your Grandfather ask how is that young man of yours in my most favorite voice.

I am smiling as I type this…..

`Caprise
Single Mom of the amazing Dbl G
Teacher
Sometime DJ
T-shirt collector
Henry Rollins Middle Aged Punk Prom Date

Dating Safely Series-Part 4: Meeting Up For Dates

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This is the final article in the four part series on dating online safely. In the previous articles we decided we are ready to date online, and we decided to put our safety first. We learned to keep our private information private, and we put in the effort to qualify persons of interest. Now that we have weeded out obvious unsavory attention we can feel much better about meeting an individual in person. However, even though we did qualify this person, any person can behave well for a short period of time to get what they want. So we are going to put in the effort to ensure we choose a safe first date.

Prep an Excuse to Leave

Make a list of a few reasons to leave in a hurry and make the decision

to use them, if necessary. Give yourself permission to trust, respect and take action on your gut instinct. Refrain from talking yourself out of it if you feel uncomfortable. If something doesn’t feel right, it’s most often because it’s not. If you leave and don’t feel safe, drive to a police station instead of going straight home.

Check in with a Trusted Friend

Be sure to keep a trusted (and capable) person in the loop about when and where and how long you expect to be on a date. Let them when you are on your way and again when you leave safely. Also, talk to this person about the individuals you are choosing to date. Sharing with trusted friends our observations, feelings and experiences makes it more unlikely that we will be able to miss or accept unacceptable behavior.

Meet at a Public Location

They may have a beautiful house on the lake or offer to take you somewhere secluded and romantic but insist on a public first meeting. Even though we have qualified this person, nothing takes the place of that initial gut feeling when meeting someone for the first time. Remember and respect that first feeling, for any person you meet, ever. Whether you drive or take an Uber, be sure to have a quick getaway planned for an emergency.

Take a Self Defense Class

Self defense training is something that is best when taken regularly, at least annually. These are skills that are to be developed. Find a class that addresses situational awareness, avoidance and defensive communication skills. If you have Krav Maga nearby, go with that. If you are limited to police, dojos or community centers then take them all as they cover different approaches and perspectives. If possible, a female instructor is ideal.

Carry a Personal Safety Device

A tool that you are unwilling to use is a useless tool, so don’t bother if you don’t see yourself using it. Take the time to look into local laws (as well as practicability) as a salesperson will often sell you anything. You can call the police department or a defense attorney with questions. There is no perfect tool, only the tool that is right for you. Get training in anything you choose to carry, especially retention – even if you think it’s unnecessary.

Stay Safe!

Carrie Conrad

***

Carrie Conrad is a single mom and self defense specialist in Detroit. To support her daughter and her special needs she took her decades of martial arts training and lifetime of experience with violence to begin an evolving journey with Beating Disaster, a business offering specialized self defense training. From Basic Self Defense to coaching for parents with violent children, she invests her time in high level training in order to provide relatable guidance to women and children. You can find out more at

Dating Safely Series-Part 3: Potential Qualifying Pursuers

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So we are dating online. We made the decision to make safe choices. We are prepared to keep our private information private. Now we are ready to start interacting with – hopefully – available and worthwhile potential mates. However, we treat every single person as the complete stranger that they really are. Unsafe and abusive people are often easily picked out once you know what you are looking for. Take the time to qualify persons of interest before allowing yourself to become vulnerable or emotionally invested.

Know What You Want

Making a list of what is negotiable and not negotiable in a potential partner will greatly improve safety. If you are open to everything you may accept anything. Take the time to think about it and become willing to reject unwanted attention immediately. Prep a generic response like,

“I don’t want to waste your time. We aren’t compatible based on my needs. Good luck!”

Absolutely no explanation or response is helpful or required after rejection of a candidate that falls into the “Not Negotiable” category.

Use Generic Responses

When answering questions, use the already planned out generic responses and pay attention to reactions. Multiple questions about you may be genuine curiosity, but if a person is not accepting or is prying or you feel uncomfortable, that’s a red flag. A normal person will be willing to be patient while you build trust before giving out private details. Belittling, challenging or insulting blatantly shows you they are not respectful and is a sign they are potentially unsafe.

Share Your Feelings

Share your feelings to see how they respond. Be disagreeable at least once. It doesn’t have to be intentional; an organic opportunity should present itself at some point. A person who tells another they are wrong for feelings or that they should feel differently is disrespectful. Please note when a person is insulting or belittling of your thoughts or feelings. There are safe people who can be disrespectful, or it could also be a sign that they may be an abusive partner.

Trying Saying No

If you have been turning down unwanted attention, then you may have already noticed some are not accepting of being told “No.” Every explosive response is a bullet dodged. Any person who discredits, discounts, argues or sidesteps your “no” is risky, too. Be sure that the people you are messaging and potentially interested in have the same opportunity to show their true colors, too. This is another time where we are paying attention to their reaction.

Recognize Risky Behavior

There are typical and telling methods used to keep a potential victim from recognizing survival signals – like discomfort, concern, worry, apprehension. If someone you just met seems too nice, too generous or if they give way too much information or offer a loan, take note and think about how you feel. When someone challenges your character or willingness to take risk, pay attention. Note the mention of violence or physical safety, especially offering a promise of safety, and even in jest. No matter what, trust your gut.

Stay Safe!

Carrie Conrad

***

Four Steps To Tinder-Time aka How To Build The Perfect Profile

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After WAY too much experience on Tinder, I have gleaned the essence of the perfect profile – something that will increase your odds of attracting a man who is halfway decent and better than a serial killer.

If you are looking for a hook-up, a shag, a slam-bam-thank-you-man and nothing more, put up your sexy pics, don’t bother with a blurb, and watch Looking for Mr. Goodbar – because you’d be safer meeting a dude at a dive bar in Barstow (look it up), where you can at least check out his friends and assess how he smells in person.

The world can be a dangerous place, especially for us gals.

If you are like the rest of us over-forty female fun-seekers, you probably have hopes of meeting a decent guy, dating a bit, falling a bit, fu$%-like-bunnies, then enjoying a blissful life of romance and love. This is why building your profile carries a weight equal to writing a Presidential inaugural address. This could be the rest of your life… and the world is counting on you to keep us out of war, stop global warming, and save the planet.

Be savvy when creating your profile. Don’t rush. Think about it. And create it with Tinder Loving Care.

STEP ONE – SELECT YOUR PHOTOS:

Tinder feeds off your Facebook account for your age, education, and photos, so if this concerns you, create a private album only you can see. This way, you post photos you might not normally post on your Facebook (aka shots of your cleave).

1^st photo – Primary photo:

You have five seconds to grab his attention. Ergo, your primary photo is where you put your best foot forward. This is the picture that flies across the Tinder screen as men frantically search for the perfect woman (aka Jessica Alba).

Your primary photo should be some sort of headshot – showing your bright eyes, your sparkling smile, and the color of your hair. Your face should reasonably fill the screen so that a man will stop, attention captured, and explore the rest of your profile to learn more about wonderful YOU.

PRIMARY PHOTO NO-NO’S :

* You making duck face. (Only chicks dig chicks making duck face.)

* You making cross-eyed, dumb “I’m-so-fun” face. (If a dude wants Goofy, he’ll go to Disneyland.)

* You with your tits pushed up and out. (You reap what you sew.)

* You and five of your bff’s. (Where’s Waldo? Swipe left!)

* You way, way, way far away on a beach or a ski slope. (He’s not looking for an ant.)

* You kissing your pet (especially if it’s a cat).

2^nd photo – Full body shot:

I do not mean a naked body shot – rather, a photo that shows you head to toe. We want him to see that you do, in fact, have legs. (And if you don’t, own it! There’s someone for everyone.) The same goes for weight. If there’s more of you to love – so be it. A lot of dudes dig the zaftig gal. And the ones who don’t, you don’t want to meet – because they will be pissed that you aren’t the size of a thirteen-year-old girl. (Even if he’s a bald dude who wore a hat in all of his own photos). With profile pics, honesty is the best policy.

NOTE: I know it’s what’s in your heart and mind that matters. Today’s culture, where photo-driven technology has made looks more valued than intellect, modern romance has been reduced to the superficial (at least at first). Connection starts with the physical and one can only hope to find a man with the depth to hang around long enough for the physical to grow into something more. Moms, raise your sons well, because your daughters are the yous of the future (aka dating existentialism).

FULL BODY SHOT NO-NO’S:

* You in a bikini, twenty years ago.

* You twenty pounds lighter, twenty years ago.

* You… twenty years ago.

* A full body shot of anyone who is NOT you right now.

3^rd photo – Sporty shot:

Remember, these are men we’re dealing with. They want to know you live an “active lifestyle,” you care about your personal appearance, and that you will somehow manage to never, ever age.

SPORTY SHOT NO-NO’S:

* You athletically eating a cheeseburger. (Doesn’t count!)

* You bench pressing 200 pounds. (He needs to think he can take you in a fight.)

* You zip-lining. (Nobody looks good zip-lining.)

* You in a football uniform, padded up. (You’re on the wrong site, sister.)

* You in world’s tiniest bikini, hand-standing on the beach, with your tits hanging

out. (You reap what you sew.)

4^th photo – You have TWO choices:

Intellectual shot:

You looking “intellectual”: reading a book, wearing glasses, playing the piano, contemplating the universe. If you are a teacher, a shot in front of your class; if you are an attorney, you in the law library; if you are a stripper, you in the law library.

AND/OR

Homemaker shot:

You baking, planting, wearing an apron, painting a house, anything that says “Martha Stewart,” because every dude wants to bone Martha Stewart.

If possible, include A and B, as men ultimately don’t know what they want.

5^th shot – Sexy shot:

I did not say “sex” shot. Remember the song, “Man! I Feel Like A Woman?” (If you don’t, you are too young to read this and should pick up a copy of Teen Vogue). You want to capture the essence of sex. Let him know that underneath all your fabulousness, there is a real woman. Tits and ass don’t equal sexy. Tousled hair and a smile, LBD and heels, even barefoot in a man’s shirt – a woman owning her femininity is what grabs the good ones. When you feel sexy, you look sexy, and men like sexy.

6^th shot – Optional – for the moms:

If you are a single mom, you must mention this fact in your blurb.

You also have the option of putting a photo of your kids with you in your pics (do not put a photo of just your kids. It is super creepy and just wrong). This is a personal choice. If you are divorced, assume your ex will come across this photo – because I promise, he is Tindering as well. Ask yourself if this will cause unneeded stress in your already strained relationship (even though he has a photo with your kids in his profile pics). If you decide to include a family photo, use it as your final shot.

You don’t want to give the impression you are pimping out your kids in order to get a date. Personally, I did include a family shot for several reasons: I think I am a good mom and am proud of this; my kids turned out great and I am proud of them; and the photo shows we love each other. Most importantly, the shot was taken in Southern France, so if a dude recognizes we are on the beach in Nice he gets bonus points!

MISCELLANEOUS:

– Don’t use photos without you in them. (We’ve all seen sunsets and puppies.)

– More than six shots make you a narcissist.

– If the photo is blurry, you are hiding something.

– If the photo is over or under exposed, you are hiding something.

– Dudes don’t care about your baby picture (or any picture that isn’t you NOW).

STEP TWO – WRITE YOUR PROFILE BLURB

You have 200 characters to make a blazing first impression. Something is better than nothing, but less is more. Do not use deep quotes or song lyrics. Do not be too specific. Lead with what efficiently sums up the type of person you are and list an interest that gives a dude something to connect with. Then briefly state what you are looking for in a man.

CAUTION:

Do not leave your blurb blank. In Tinder speak, blank blurbs mean you just want to get laid.

Do not say you are looking to “Netflix and chill.” This is Tinder code for you just want to get laid. (Unless this is what you want, and if so, see WARNING: Stupid Girls.)

Consider the following two blurbs:

“Fun-loving astrophysicist enjoys scuba diving, salsa dancing, and Fargo. Seeks honest, intelligent man for coffee, conversation, connection – and perhaps more, should the stars align (pun intended). No hook-ups please.”
“I.T. professional, Stanford grad, sports fanatic; enjoys yoga, the outdoors and a good Hemmingway novel; vegetarian, but not overtly so; non-drinker, but able to limbo. Seeks fun and relaxed partner. Hoping for LTR but happy to date. No hook-ups.

(NOTE: LTR is a Tinder acronym, aka “Tindernym,” for lifetime romance and/or long term relationship.)

These blurbs have it all: personality, profession, sport, hobbies, a dash of wit, and relationship goals. These profiles will get hundreds of hits.

Now consider this blurb:

“Overwrought, unemployed single mom with deadbeat ex seeks guy to take her to dinner, so she can get blindingly drunk, forget her problems, and make out in the car. No hook-ups. Gluten free.”

Unfortunately, this profile will also get hundreds of hits.

Finally, there is this blurb:

“Happily married, gorgeous movie star with rockin’ bod, billion dollar company, perfect children, and the initials Jessica Alba seeks YOU! Middle aged man with a paunch and mid-life-crisis who refuses to grow up and give any decent woman a chance because he thinks he can get me.”

Still, the same amount of hits. Let’s face it, dudes don’t read the blurbs. Or worse… they do and don’t care.

STEP THREE – DOWNLOAD THE TINDER APP

* Go to the App Store on you cell phone.

* Tap on the free Tinder application.

* Done!

STEP FOUR – MOVE IT ALL ONTO TINDER

* On your phone, open your Tinder app.

* Go to “settings” (the nuts and bolts icon).

* Once inside, tap on your photo over “view profile.”

(This will show you what your Tinder profile looks like.)

* Tap “Edit Info.”

* Pull photos from Facebook and arrange them as desired. Insert your “blurb.”

* Once completed, tap out to the main menu and go to, “Discovery Settings.”

* Select the parameters of your potential mate.

* Tap out and tap on the flame.

YOU ARE READY TO SWIPE. GET BUSY!!!

If you would like to read more of P.Charlotte’s musings, you can find her here:

pcharlottelindsay.com

Also be sure to follow her on Instagram and Facebook at pcharlottelinsday.

Don’t Be Stupid Girls

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DON’T BE STUPID GIRLS

(aka P. Charlotte being not so funny because she loves you)

(aka Watch, “Looking For Mr. Goodbar!”)

Because I, and half the universe, partake in the pleasures of online dating, the perception that it is “safe” has slipped into our collective consciousness – at least for those who don’t read headlines or watch Lifetime movies. But alas, online dating has paved the way for a new world of financial scams, emotional abuse, and even physical danger.

Often women are on multiple apps, dating multiple men, swiping hundreds of profiles and making decisions to meet up with someone based on very little or no information. Slow the crap down!

I don’t mean to yuck your yum regarding the world of love via technology. You should do it. But if you aren’t savvy, it is easy to be duped (or worse). With hundreds of men on the Interweb, just know some losers are pretending to be someone they’re not. While most of the universe is guilty of presenting photos or writing profiles that perhaps shine a positive light on the truth (we would never do that, would we?), some dudes create sham profiles looking to exploit vulnerable women. (I’ve been one of those vulnerable women.)

“Catfishing” is a scam wherein some d-bag creates a fake profile with false information in order to trick another person into some sort of relationship. Motives vary from boredom to revenge to monetary gains or worse. (We will examine this ugly, bottom-feeding fish-dude freak in a later chapter.)

But do not despair, tender Tinderettes. Do not let fear deter you! Rest assured, there are red flags, common sense, and tangible precautions to take so you can freely enjoy the world of online dating… and have the fun you so rightfully deserve.

1. LOOK FOR SIGNS:

* His social media profiles are set to private:

He’s hiding something.

* He goes dark for large periods of time:

As in, he consistently responds to your texts, then suddenly doesn’t respond

for three days sending you into a state of extreme anxiety, creative

rationalizations, and manic texting with your friends… then he texts again

then goes dark again… while you completely freak out and piss off your

friends because you’re acting like Jan Brady in the “Marcia Marcia Marcia

episode.”

* You receive a text meant for someone else:

“Hey Peggy, whatcha wearing?”

* He avoids answering personal questions:

If he won’t give you his last name, DELETE.

* He turns even the most innocent text into a sext:

“Hey, P. Charlotte. Whatcha up to?”

“I’m working.”

“Oh, yeah? Are you working… in bed?”

“No. I’m paying bills at my desk.”

“Oh, yeah? I like to pay my bills… naked.”

“Okay.”

“What do you like to wear when you pay your bills?”

“I’m wearing flannel pajamas and pink fuzzy slippers.”

“Oh, baby, that’s making me so hot. Whatcha got goin’ on under

those pajamas?

“Uh, a maxi pad and cotton underpants.”

“Ohhhh, baby. You’re gonna make me explode…” etc…

* He flakes on plans at the last minute:

As in, he doesn’t really want to meet you in person, because you’ll find out

he’s actually a thirteen-year-old* boy… or a chick.

* He sends you an unsolicited dick pic.

Need I say more?

* When you don’t respond his text, he sends you forty-three more.

As in he’s obsessed, drunk, or most likely crazy.

USE A REPUTABLE SITE THAT HAS ACCOUNTABILITY:

With over 2,500 sites to choose from in the U.S. alone, it’s a good idea to stick to those with proven reputations. Ask friends, read reviews, and check the site’s security measures. Some of the big online dating sites do background checks for sexual assault, identity theft, and violent crime.

But even with these precautions, things can slip through the cracks. And let’s face it, the security measures available are using information given by the potential member. Ergo, it’s a good idea to do your own background checking. You haven’t lived until you and your gal pals have done margaritas and cyber sleuthing.

CYBER SLEUTHING (Some places to poke around):

* Google:

The first stop for everything.

* LinkedIn:

You’re not going to get much personal information, but you will get a sense of his work life, whether he’s lied to you about it, and if he has a job.

* Social Media (Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, etc.):

While there are some older gentlemen who perhaps do not partake in this new-fangled phenomenon, generally, most do. And unless he’s hiding something, he’ll be out there somewhere.

(True story: One of my girlfriends, upon some crafty Instagram investigation, discovered the man with whom she’d been dating and boinking (at the time she referred to it as “making love”) was, in fact, in a serious relationship. She contacted said girlfriend (via Facebook), and together they taught Mario the Lothario the what’s what. Needless to say, he is now single, no longer on Instagram and his Facebook page said “buh bye.” And no, this is not being made into a chick-flick buddy-comedy for a next summer release.)

* Criminal Checks:

If you want to take your sleuthing to the next level but don’t have the time to jump through the hoops required for an official state search, there are actual sites designed specifically for the online dater. Just search “online dating background checks” and you will find a smorgasbord of sites willing to play a game of bust-a-perv and deliver you a full report.

FIRST DATE SAFETY RULES:

* Get to know as much about your date as possible before your initial meeting.

* Drive yourself, meet in a public place, and stay there.

* Never go home with a first date or bring him back to your place. (And if you bring him back to your place while your kids are there… I have no words.)

* Tell a friend where you’re going. Better yet, synchronize your mobile tracking devices. Even better, have your posse show up at meeting place in disguise. (Trust me, it’s fun.)

* Do not disclose too much personal information (i.e. your home address, social security number, mom’s maiden name, kids’ schools…)

* Keep your purse and phone with you at all times.

* Don’t get wasted.

* Keep your panties on.

* If he’s from out of town, he can rent a car and stay in a hotel. Do not go back to his hotel, and follow the above rules.

* Trust your instincts!

Many victims of online predators say they felt something was off, but didn’t do anything about it. If your tummy says, “I should get the hell out of here,” then get the hell out of there

SECOND DATE RULES AND BEYOND:

* Let the relationship grow slowly.

* Continue to listen to your gut.

* Do not take any shit.

* Do not introduce him to your children or parents unless you are sure he’s a keeper. Come to think of it, do not introduce him to your children or parents until after you’ve been married for one year.

Now go, be safe, and have fun!

You deserve it!

Chivalry Is NOT Dead…

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Chivalry is alive and well and living in Boston. I am quite sure that it is living in some other places too:)

We have had so many FB conversations about the perils of dating and about the pathetic men out there attempting to date you guys, so I wanted to give voice to the fact that exceptional men, do in fact, still exist. Several of them happen to be very good friends of mine as a matter of fact.

A few weeks ago I went out to dinner with someone very dear to me and although I have known and loved him since I was 23, we had never actually been out on a date alone together. So off we went to dinner and I was amazed at his impeccable manners. He held doors, guided me into the restaurant, handled the reservations, pulled out my chair, helped me with my coat, stood when I returned from the bathroom, paid the bill, saw me safely to my car etc.

I was raised OLD SCHOOL by Old School Italians and these things I mention were just the way that things were done, then I grew up and started dating and I learned that these Old School manners were often long forgotten. I had gotten so used to men just not acting like real men, that I was really, really appreciative of this gentleman’s manners.

Driving back to my hotel I thought about all of the stories that I have been receiving from you ladies about how men behave themselves on dates these days as compared to what I had just witnessed! Like night and day–truly.

So I am here to happily report to you that Chivalry is not dead, it is alive and well and it is worth waiting for. Going on this date reminded me of what it is supposed to be like, how adults should conduct themselves. It also reminded me of how wonderful it is to be in the company of someone that has excellent manners and social skills. This was already one of my most favorite people on the planet and now he is even more so. His behavior gives me hope for humanity as a whole—if he is out there, then there are others and chivalry LIVES!!!

Do me a favor—STOP settling, stop pretending that it is OK to date sub-par humans…start realizing what YOU are WORTH and start expecting to be treated well…and when someone doesn’t measure up—WALK away. Period.

If you stop putting up with poor manners and behavior then people will be forced to change in order to be in your company and you are so worth that!

Dating Tips

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Dating these days is just insane compared to the way it was when we grew up or even when our parents grew up. The internet has made meeting people easier, yet I think it has made “real” relating much harder. I have learned from personal experience that the relationship that you can develop with someone over the phone and via text is NOT the same once they are standing in the room. No, I did not internet date by the way…any of you that know me know that I am not a fan of internet dating or online dating profiles. The influence of being raised old school I suppose.

Here are some do’s and don’t’s of dating. We are also going to start answering your dating questions, which can be emailed to us at noelle@fortunatopartners.com and put Dating Question in your subject line or you can message The Working Single Mom FB page.

Here are some simple dating ‘rules’ to consider. Enjoy.

Finding a romantic partner is NOT the end all be all, it is a nice addition to an already healthy and functioning life. LIKE and LOVE yourself first, be comfortable in your own company, don’t be looking for someone to fix or solve your life. Only YOU can do that.

Do NOT, we repeat DO NOT date someone to try to fix or save them. Don’t fall in love with their potential—SEE CLEARLY who they are right in the moment and pay attention to that.

Don’t pay much attention to pretty, romantic words or promises. WATCH WHAT PEOPLE DO. Their actions will tell you EVERYTHING, just keep watching.

If you see a red flag early on—pay attention and get out then. Don’t make excuses for behavior that doesn’t work. The longer you let it go, the worse it will get and the more attached you will get.

DATE—like actually go out to dinner, for a walk, to a movie, to a museum. TALK in person, get to know each other. If you have sex too soon then you will introduce emotions that don’t yet belong there—be patient….what is meant for you will find you.

Do not be a needy, pain in the ass…do not act like a psycho. Don’t call 5 million times, don’t text incessantly…let him give chase…don’t you dare chase him and don’t stalk him…Please act like the grown-up woman that you are, a woman that has a great life of her own to live.

Do not sell yourself short and do not act like a pathetic, desperate woman that needs a man to make her life work, there is nothing less attractive than that to a real man…and any man that likes you to act like that has issues of his own…so stay away from him.

A first date is not an audition for marriage. It’s just a tryout for a second date. This is a process and it takes a good, long time to see who someone really is.

If someone tells you they are too damaged, untrusting, neurotic, creepy etc—then they probably are so get the hell away from them:)

If something doesn’t feel safe then it probably isn’t. TRUST YOUR GUT. Go on first dates in public places and meet them there, don’t get in secluded situations with people until you have a good sense of who they are, please!

These are just some points to consider—don’t forget start emailing us with your questions and thoughts on dating.