****Attention! Our resident dating expert, P. Charlotte Lindsey, is making contributions to our blog...PLEASE note that there is colorful language in her posts,which actually makes them even more enjoyable,however I wanted to warn you because I don’t want to hear that we offended you in some way. If colorful dating/relationship language offends you PLEASE do not read. Thanks. XO, Noelle
Way, way back in the olden days, before Tinder and on-line dating existed – before the Internet, texting, cell phones, and even My Space, courtship was somewhat uncomplicated:
LATE 20TH CENTURY DATING PARADIGM:
A. On any given Saturday night, a gal would go out with friends, spot a dude, bat eyelashes, and meet said dude.
B. Gal and dude would go on a date… then several more.
C. Dude would give gal a piece of jewelry that she’d flash at her seething single friends, gleefully explaining that said gesture indicated she and dude were exclusive (a/k/a “going steady”).
D. Weekly date-nights, and daily phone calls ensue.
E. Three months later there would be sex.
NOTE: Gal would only share this info with closest girlfriends, as she would not want to be viewed as a “slut” (translation: ho). Meanwhile dude would secretly be sleeping with sluts because gal would only do missionary.
F. Four months following sex, there would be an engagement.
G. Following six, long, tortuous months of blabbering about bridal showers, bachelorette parties, gift registration drama, honeymoon dilemmas, and non-stop talking about the f#@%ing wedding (breathe), there would be an actual freaking wedding.
H. Kids.
I. Fifteen years later, half of these couples would divorce and start reading my blog.
Easy peasy! Eight simple steps to matrimony, and a fifty-percent chance of happily ever after.
In the 21st Century, with the advent of on-line dating, romance is a whole new ball of wax. No longer must a girl needlessly attend sporting events in which she has no interest, hang out at bars sucking down calories and throwing down cash. Gone are the days of going to the gym, libraries, lectures, or jazz concerts at art museums. Jogging, hiking, and yoga – a thing of the past!
Now all a girl has to do to meet the man of her dreams is sit on her lazy ass in front of an old Law & Order repeat, with a pint of Ben and Jerry’s and a cell phone. Thanks to Tinder and its on-line cousins, there is a whole new model for modern romance:
21ST CENTURY DATING PARADIGM:
A. On any given Saturday night, gal flops on couch in sweats, slippers, and stained Hello Kitty T-shirt, and mindlessly swipes Tinder.
B. Gal aimlessly “Likes” every dude within any realm of possibility, considering getting drunk and not wearing glasses to be an option in a pinch.
C. Gal gets a “Match!”
D. Gal and Tinder dude proceed with standard Tinder text protocol: “Hi.” “What’s up?” “How was your Saturday night?” etc. (NOTE: Gal lies about her Saturday night.)
E. From two days to two weeks, gal and dude engage in Tinder text ping-pong. (Duration dependant on how many Tinder chicks dude is juggling at the time)
F. They graduate to real texting on real cell phones.
(NOTE: Insert possible dick pic – possible sexting – he climaxes – relationship ends – gal eats Skinny Cow)
G. Three days later, gal and dude talk on phone and hear real voices.
(NOTE: At no time does anyone acknowledge dick pic or sexting.)
H. Two nights following, they have first in-person date: Drinks, hug, and small kiss goodnight.
(NOTE: Insert possible dick pic – possible sexting – he climaxes – relationship ends – gal eats Skinny Cow)
I. Subsequent texting, with contact every other day.
J.Gal obsessively tracks dude’s on all forms of social media. Gal notes another chick whose posts he constantly likes.
K. Gal proceeds to “manic text” with girlfriends.
L.The following weekend gal and dude have second date: At night’s end, they make out in car or on park bench, depending on city.
(NOTE: Insert possible dick pic – possible sexting – he climaxes – relationship ends – gal eats Skinny Cow)
M.Gal and dude engage in one week of daily texting, replete with sexual innuendo, “Good morning!” and “Good night!” messages, and lips, silly-tongue, and heart emoticons.
N.Subsequent date number THREE, couple engages in sexual relations.
(NOTE: Possible dude climax – relationship ends – gal eats Skinny Cow)
O. Gal continues to social media stalk, dismayed over dude’s continued liking of other chick’s posts – even after getting balls deep with her. Gal’s imagination runs rampant.
P. Gal sees doctor for STD test.
NOTE: If you are part of 23% of the female population, and the relationship continues, the following will occur:
Q.Gal and dude mutually decide to GO OFF TINDER. They engage in the Going Off Tinder Ritual.
going off Tinder ritual (gōiNG | ôf | ˈtindər | ˈriCHo͞oəl)
noun
- modern Homo Sapiens mating custom, generally performed in romantic setting, accompanied by alcoholic beverage, wherein a male and female exchange cellular devices, and simultaneously “delete” the other’s Tinder account. This ritual is generally followed by a kiss, and stupendous sex.
- modern equivalent of “getting a piece of jewelry” once practiced amongst humans in pre-21st century era.
R. Gal returns home; calls mother, sister and all known friends; changes relationship status on Facebook; Tweets, Instagrams, and utilizes all known forms of social media to publicize her completion of the G.O.T ritual. Experiences 24 hours of fanatical joy. Simultaneously, dude goes home and freaks out.
S. Following day, dude breaks up with gal, goes back on Tinder. Gal eats Skinny Cow, goes back on Tinder.
NOTE: If you are 11.5% of the female population, and the relationship continues, the following will occur:
T.Six months following G.O.T. ritual, there is an engagement.
U. Six tortuous long months of bridal showers, bachelorette parties, couples’ camping weekends, honeymoon planning, and non-stop talking about the freaking wedding.
V. Soon after, dude sees friends Tindering while out at bar, remembers fun he had whilst single and Tindering, experiences onset of “Jessica Alba Syndrome.” (He thinks he can do better then you. He thinks he can snag Jessica Alba. He’s wrong.)
W. Dude ends relationship – gal eats Skinny Cow.
NOTE: If you are 2% of the female population, and the relationship continues, the following will occur:
X. There is an actual freaking wedding.
Y. Kids.
NOTE: Fifteen years later, half of these couples will divorce and buy a different book about whatever dating technology has yet to be discovered in the future.
Z. Return to A. Repeat. Infinity.
