Tag Archives: date

The Day

The day…

I am not listening to music. I just finished a very watered down iced latte that I picked up on my way home from work.

This week was the week

Full disclosure I am really bad with dates.

I ALWAYS remember my daughter’s birthday but if there isn’t a calendar reminder for it I won’t remember. (Her birthday being the exclusion)

AND

Except of course the day my divorce was final.

Which was exactly nine years ago. The exact date and time I can tell you as well.

I even remember what I was wearing.

So when I got up on Monday because it was on the 12th… I was already sad. 

I had a good solid cry in the shower.

I put on one of my favorite, comfiest outfits. I took time getting myself ready for work.

On my drive in I listened to one of my favorite songs and willed myself not to cry again.

Here’s the thing. I don’t get sad on this day because I miss my ex husband. Leaving him was healthy for me. It was the right thing. You either grow together or you grow apart. The reality is when someone constantly makes you feel like who you are is not enough… How can you grow?

As a person? Or with them?

I am sad on this day because I am a natural caregiver. I like to take care of people. I am an incredibly independent person but I have parents who have been married almost fifty years. They have family meals. They dressed up together for Halloween. Valentines Day, Birthday, Holidays everyday…. They showed us what it was like to be married to someone you liked, loved and was your partner in crime.

That is what I wanted.

I still do sometimes. But I worry. Always, if I can’t make someone like my ex husband happy. Maybe I can’t make anyone happy.

Maybe I’m the reason.

I know that I’m part but not all.

But no one gets married to get divorced and as someone who honestly never thought they would get married. To have my marriage fall apart.

It hurts.

I thought I did everything right and it still wasn’t enough. And now years later he is still so incredibly angry at me.

So every Fall on a certain day I just want the day to be over before it starts.

Then I take a deep breath and focus on all the positives that have come out of one of the hardest decisions I made.

It’s silly to think hard decisions are ever easy. 

But they make you stronger.

In my case if I’m being honest. Better and I feel guilty for saying this.

Yes, happier.

I didn’t fail because I’m divorced.

It doesn’t mean I’m not lovable or likable.

Hopefully at some point this day will be one I don’t remember. Or at least one that won’t hurt as much.

Be safe.

Much love Mommas 

<3 Caprise 

Slow Your Roll On Dating

Slowing your roll on dating….

Omg Janet I can’t t believe he hasn’t texted me back.. I texted him at 8:30 am and its 8:45 am.. ughh I know he doesn’t like me.  I shouldn’t have texted him… Yes I know I’m being a little over dramatic but its true.  All I can say is “Slow Your Roll” in dating.     

I think most of us experience these thoughts running through our head from time to time.  The insecure thoughts that take over our mind as we enter the world of dating.  The thoughts that we need to get past to become more confident and patient.   I still have those thoughts go through my head… It is really hard to overcome especially if you have had failed relationships in the past.  

I think the best advice I can give is to slow down in dating… “Slow Your Roll” as I say to my friends.  I think that the world of on line dating and texting has hurried up the entire process.  If someone doesn’t respond, we move on to the next.  If they do not respond within the time frame we set, we get upset.  Or we send another text….before they have time to respond.  

When I first started dating after my divorce, I was very insecure, plus I had not dated in about 13 years.  I would constantly think if I wasn’t texting someone or have a date planned for the week, they didn’t want to see me.  Obviously I forgot that people have lives and are sometimes busy.    Crazy, I know…I can not hide it at times.

  Everything just needs to slow down… they do not need to respond within minutes, there doesn’t need to be a next date set right, and you do not need to see each other every day.  When we start to rush and think this way, that is when my insecurities would kick in.  

Slow your roll… we can all take a minute to breathe in dating.  Take the time, have the patience, and enjoy the fun of dating.   I continuously remind myself of this over and over again.  When I start to ease back into my old way of thinking, I remember that there is no rush.   I have to take a minute to remember to slow down in my thoughts and actions.  

Slow your roll… I know some of us are looking for that ultimate soul mate and others are looking for companionship, either way, take the time.  Be patient.   There is nothing wrong with easing into the dating.  There doesn’t always need to be a plan for the next date, just day by day.  

I will be honest and maybe I am different than most, but I like time alone.  I do not want always want to spend my next free moment with someone.    So, I will say no to a date if I want a night to myself and it doesnt mean I do not want to date that person.  I just get very few moments to do nothing and sometimes I like that…

Be patient with each other.  Learn to listen to that person…I have learned to listen to what  they are saying…  If they say, they are just looking for something casual, then they are probably not going to give you as much time as you are expecting.   If they mention they have a big project next week, then they might not have time to see you.   I have just really tried to listen to what the person is saying instead of letting my insecurities set in.  

Take a breathe.  Let them take the time to respond.  Give yourself time to respond.  Do not rush into making the next plan.   I have just learned  that having patience is really the key when getting to know someone.  You also learn more about yourself and what you want in dating.  The more patience that I have, the more I learn about that person and myself.   So, slow your roll, dating is not a race.  

 

-Snarky

 

https://www.snarkydivorcedgirl.com/

When Life Gets Messy

When life gets messy with relationships and dating… how do you take time the time to figure it out?

When life gets messy…I used to just move on to the next thing and stay constantly busy. I would make plans every night. I would plan my weeks out way in advance. I would make sure to not have a free moment to myself. I would basically try and cover it all up, sweep it under the rug, and move on.

I was continuing to fall into the same pattern with my relationships. Mostly because I would not take the time to figure out what what went wrong or what I really wanted. You date someone for a few weeks, you break up, then you keep yourself continuously busy until the next person comes along that peaks your interest. I found this to be very true for me. I know that is what dating is about, but after a consistent pattern of failed relationships, I had to do some soul searching.

I have had to do a lot of self reflection on my relationships over the last five years, some were long term and others were short lived. At first, I just thought I wanted a relationship. I did not take the time to really think about what type.

Could I fit this person into my life?

Did I have time to meet what they needed?

Did I want a serious commitment?

Could they fit me into their life or their schedule?

Did they want a casual or serious commitment?

Did I need someone that would make plans with me weeks in advance?

I had to think was I too needy for them or not needy enough?


I needed to think about all of these things… and also think about what I was ok with in a relationship.

No one is going to do everything that you want. I think many times in the past, I have talked myself into dating this person longer than I have should have… I thought we might eventually like the same interests, I thought he might eventually show me more attention, I thought eventually he might do what I wanted…haha… I am kidding.

Many times I would say to my friends, “ ohh he is really nice”. Many people are nice, but I should not be dating them because they are nice. I would spend way to much time devoted to someone that was never going to fit with me, when I should have ended it.

Many times after the relationship failed, I was like how come I didn’t end it sooner. I mean there were huge red flags, but I just kept on with it and didn’t pay attention. If I would have just stopped, done some honest thinking with myself, I probably would have saved myself the heartache.

Besides trying to figure out why it didn’t work, I had to figure out what I wanted. If all the signs were there that it wasn’t working, why was I still determined to try… was it because I was afraid of being alone or just wanted the companionship.

I stopped keeping myself continuously busy, instead I slowed my life down. I stopped looking for the next relationship. I had to think about what was important to me. I asked myself all those questions over and over again. I had to realize that what I thought I wanted or was told I should want, was not really what I wanted. I was spending time going after the wrong relationships. I had to constantly remind myself of this when I began dating or a new relationship.

Because life in relationships gets messy… I had to continue to be very honest with myself.

-Snarky

https://www.snarkydivorcedgirl.com/

Do I Need A Man?

Do I need a man? I heard a commercial on the radio for a new talk show. One line stood out to me in a snippet of interviews. I have no idea who it was, but she said (and I’m paraphrasing), “when I got divorced, I found I needed men to help me find my way back to myself.” That line has been sort of reverberating around in my head for the past couple of days. I’ve been trying to figure out if it was true for me or not.

As an independent woman, I think my first inclination is to say; wait, I don’t need a man for anything. I only want a man for things. However, the more I think about it, the more I feel a connection to those words. There are some men in my life that I really needed to go through in order to know what I wanted, what I needed, and what I deserved. Then, ultimately when I found all of those things in someone, I needed to be able to let him heal some things in me that I could not heal on my own.

Let’s start with the first guy I fell for. He may have been the first guy I genuinely fell for my whole life. But looking back, I fell for a game. He was well versed in keeping women’s attention and he thrived on it. We never dated, but we talked all the time. We talked about random things, sometimes nothing exciting at all. But he was who I wanted to talk to. I was hooked on the conversation. And he really talked to me. It was something I hadn’t had in my marriage. So, what I learned from that is that I needed someone who would talk to me. Someone who would be my go-to person. That is the positive that I learned, and I won’t even delve into the negative.

Next was the guy who was amazing in bed. He wasn’t just amazing in bed though, he was genuinely attracted to me and could not get enough. That was important because it was something else lacking in my marriage. I needed to know that someone could see me like that. Because I saw myself primarily as a mother, then as the ex-wife of a man who never wanted me, and never as an attractive woman. I also learned in a successful relationship, sex is a very important part of the foundation for me.

Lastly, was the man who treated me like a princess. He was older than me and very kind. At first he lavished attention, time, and gifts. He always opened my car door and treated me with respect. He made me feel beautiful and taken care of. It didn’t work out, but it was a mostly positive experience. He taught me that I deserve those things because I’m willing to give them.

So I learned all of those things that I wanted in a relationship by dating men. So, it was true for me, I did need men to help me realize things about myself. There were other men, my ex-husband, one narcissistic nightmare, and various others along the way, but I am choosing to focus on the good I learned from them and not the negative, though I learned many cautionary tales. They molded me as well, but I am afraid not necessarily in good ways, except maybe to make me stronger and wiser.

I learned I need meaningful conversation and a lot of it. I learned that sex and feeling attractive is huge for me and has to be solid. And I learned that I want to be treated well, maybe not over the top, but some chivalry is very much appreciated. And then I knew I needed those things to have a successful relationship. And then I met someone who gave me all three.

Stronger Than Yesterday,

Alice

Yep, I Was Ghosted

Yep.. I was ghosted. You meet someone online, you start texting back and forth, then it leads to daily good morning texts to afternoon texts, to evening texts. You talk continuously throughout the day about everything. It continues for months..

Then it just stops.. no morning texts or afternoon texts. Nothing… just crickets. So I guess that’s what people say is ghosted. I was ghosted. I even confirmed with my friends …sure shit I was..

Most of the time, I am not the girl that initiates a snap or text. Maybe I’m old fashion or just want to feel wanted. I’m just a girl that really enjoys funny humor and communication. I enjoy getting to know someone.

So now I’m asking myself…what did I say or do? Was it because I didn’t initiate conversation? Maybe I should have initiated more texts.. but it’s a hard line to walk because I don’t want to be the annoying needy girl. Ugh… no one wants that.

Or was it because I don’t have the time to send a million selfies? Did I not use the right filters? Or was I boring? Maybe I wasn’t using the right emojis..But why the ghosting? Honestly I’m not sure I’ll ever know.

And sometimes you even start making excuses for the person that ghosted you.. like I thought to myself, “ ohh he must be really busy at work or he must be with his kids, or maybe he’s sick”…. Right. I have learned from my dating life when someone is into you and when they are not. And here I am now making excuses.

I have asked myself all those questions over and over…Why does it happen to so many of us all the time…The ghosting.. I just don’t understand how people can not communicate. Or maybe just could say that they are not interested, or confused, or dont know what they want… but something would be better than nothing at all.

It’s hard to start being invested in someone and then they just disappear. It really tugs at your heart, your self confidence and self worth at times. It definitely played with my insecurities. It doesn’t matter if you are 16 or 56, you still have the same emotions with getting to know someone. And after it happens once, how do you prevent it from happening again. I know I have my guard up a lot more now.

And I know I was guilty of ghosting when I was on dating apps years ago. I would chat or go one a date with someone and then eventually not respond. I didn’t want to hurt their feelings or have a tough conversation. So instead I would just not respond, instead of being an actual adult.

Then I learned it was better to just be honest if there was no connection, or if you felt you wanted something different. And with some people, I have continued on with a friendship.

But with others, I have had to discontinue all communication. I learned that I was looking for the easy way out. And I would avoid the difficulty. Not one of my best decisions…

So when it happened to me now. I just had to let it go. You might never know why you were ghosted. You just move on. Getting caught up in the why it happened will not get you to move forward. Some people are not able to communicate how you would like…and as much as you want a reason or answer, you might not get it.

Unfortunately, I still miss the person that I talked to daily…. The ghoster.. most of the time it was just meaningless humor and daily conversation. And I miss that in the craziness of my life…

-snarky

https://www.snarkydivorcedgirl.com/blog

The Whole Pie

The whole pie…

I have shared with you all there are certain things I am hesitant to share.

I have been told I can be hard to know. Not as a person but in relationships. I don’t share, I put my guard up.

It’s definitely something I am working on and working through.

God bless my therapist.

At the core of it is trust. While in my day to day I see the best in people sometimes to a fault. For people I am in relationships with I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

That blueprint was laid down early on. If I’m being honest, I think I have only had two relationships my whole life where I wasn’t cheated on. I will own some of this. I tend to fall for the men who in conversations I end my sentences with he’s not like that when he’s with me. He promises he won’t. He will by a certain date.

The irony is I come from a family where my parents have been married for over forty plus years. They are loving and supportive.

Where did I learn that wasn’t what I deserved? When did I become “The Fixer of Broken Boys”?

I honestly don’t know.

The older my daughter gets, the more I realize I have to make sure I show her what a healthy relationship looks like. 

Sad thing is here I sit at almost fifty and guess what? I am just starting to have one.

Now you know that.

We still have some mountains to climb and we have our moments, but for the first time since I became a single Mom, I think this person might be someone worthy of my daughter.

That is saying something because well, I have been single since she was two and she’s twelve.

I have someone who doesn’t dismiss me when I am upset. The phrase “I am not trying to lessen how you feel…” , has actually been used when he has been perhaps sharing his side of a disagreement.

I feel like I can let down my walls. Here’s the thing. They are those electric mall kind, so I can just as quickly put them back up. But they’re firmly in the middle right now. That’s a start.

My best friend, who is also a single Mom and has known me since I was thirteen, shared with me a beautiful post about you should be in a relationship that feels like you have the whole pie. 

I don’t have the whole pie just yet but I definitely have a pretty big slice.

As I do I’m sending you love Mommas.

<3 Caprise

Let Your Single Friends Be Single

Let your single friends be single…

I was out with some friends a few weeks ago, just having a fun night with my friends for a birthday celebration, and then it starts…the classic “I need to find you a boyfriend”…

I am a smart confident woman, with a career, friends, a great family and 3 amazing kids.  What makes you think that a boyfriend or relationship is my top priority???

 

#1- When I say I am not looking for a relationship I mean it…

I love my friends! I spent 13 years in a marriage that kept me from being myself. I am loving the last couple years of learning about what I want in life. I am loving learning to do things alone. I am loving finding out what I want in a relationship.  I need to figure out all those things before I can get into a serious relationship.

When I say I am not looking for a relationship, it’s like they can not hear me.  But why do they think they can find the man of my dreams and I can’t… I feel I have a pretty good judge of character, so I’m guessing I could probably find one on my own.

 

#2-Always being auctioned off…

Do you know how annoying it is that when you go to drinks with your friends they try and raffle you off…like it’s a meat raffle.  Or they pick out guys that they think are single at the bar and try and get their attention for you. Or they ask the servers or bartenders if they are single…

Maybe your single friends just want to go out with their friends and catch up. They don’t always want to be singled out as the “single” friend. It might not even be a top priority for them.  And I get so nervous when I feel singled out. I am not the type of person that likes to be the center of attention, so I usually never even talk to the person.

Right now,  I really do not want to be set up with my friends co-worker, brother, neighbor, or the dad on the soccer team…

But why do friends think they can find the man of my dreams and I can’t… I’m guessing I could probably find one on my own.  But they are all determined to find me the “one”. The one.. the ultimate dream guy for me.

 

#3-Listen to your single friends…

I know it’s hard for my friends to understand that maybe I am not hunting down the “one”.  That maybe when I say I am not ready to get into a relationship I am actually telling the truth.

Maybe it’s a good idea to ask your friends why they are single?  Maybe it’s many reasons.. maybe they are concentrating on other things in their life right now, maybe they had a hard break up in the past, maybe they don’t want to get hurt… there are many things that make people not focus on not getting into a relationship.

Relationships and dating are hard.  They take a lot of work and are a huge time commitment.  I follow many different single women websites, and there are many women out there that have just given up on dating.  They have had bad experiences with online dating and just don’t want to waste time anymore.

My 94 year old grandma told me on Christmas that I better start dating because I don’t have much time left.. I laughed and said “ ohh grandma I’m not even going to think about dating until I’m 60”.

I am so content in my lifestyle now, but at times I go back and forth with dating. There are times when I do feel really alone from not being in a relationship.  I worry at times about not being alone once my kids are grown.  It is a very scary feeling to think about years from now.  I go through periods of time when I think I should get into a relationship.  I do date occasionally, but it’s mostly just for companionship.

I received the best advice a couple weeks ago from someone.. I was venting about not wanting to be in a relationship and why am I so different than my other friends that are in relationships. I kept saying, “what’s wrong with me..I was mentioning how it is just not a priority for me, but at times I feel like I should be dating”.

She said, you just need to do what you want and not worry about what you “think” you should be doing…Sometimes an almost stranger can say something to you that just clicks.

So if you have that friend that is constantly pushing a relationship on you or trying to set you up with their kids soccer coach, somehow get them to listen to you.

Maybe you just say listen here

“Joanne from Nebraska … I don’t want you to find me a man.. I’m happy with my life… are you listening to me”….

Be honest with your friends and tell them what you want right now. Tell them what you are excited about in your life, tell them it’s not the right time, or just tell them to just listen to you…

-Snarky

https://www.snarkydivorcedgirl.com/

Dating In The 21st Century

****Attention! Our resident dating expert, P. Charlotte Lindsey, is making contributions to our blog...PLEASE note that there is colorful language in her posts,which actually makes them even more enjoyable,however I wanted to warn you because I don’t want to hear that we offended you in some way. If colorful dating/relationship language offends you PLEASE do not read.  Thanks.  XO, Noelle

 

Way, way back in the olden days, before Tinder and on-line dating existed – before the Internet, texting, cell phones, and even My Space, courtship was somewhat uncomplicated:  

 

LATE 20TH CENTURY DATING PARADIGM:

A. On any given Saturday night, a gal would go out with friends, spot a dude, bat eyelashes, and meet said dude.  

B. Gal and dude would go on a date…  then several more.  

C. Dude would give gal a piece of jewelry that she’d flash at her seething single friends, gleefully explaining that said gesture indicated she and dude were exclusive  (a/k/a “going steady”). 

D. Weekly date-nights, and daily phone calls ensue.

E. Three months later there would be sex. 

NOTE:  Gal would only share this info with closest girlfriends, as she would not want to be viewed as a “slut” (translation: ho).  Meanwhile dude would secretly be sleeping with sluts because gal would only do missionary.

F. Four months following sex, there would be an engagement.

G. Following six, long, tortuous months of blabbering about bridal showers, bachelorette parties, gift registration drama, honeymoon dilemmas, and non-stop talking about the f#@%ing wedding (breathe), there would be an actual freaking wedding.  

H. Kids.

I. Fifteen years later, half of these couples would divorce and start reading my blog.

 

Easy peasy!  Eight simple steps to matrimony, and a fifty-percent chance of happily ever after.

 

In the 21st Century, with the advent of on-line dating, romance is a whole new ball of wax.  No longer must a girl needlessly attend sporting events in which she has no interest, hang out at bars sucking down calories and throwing down cash.  Gone are the days of going to the gym, libraries, lectures, or jazz concerts at art museums. Jogging, hiking, and yoga – a thing of the past!

Now all a girl has to do to meet the man of her dreams is sit on her lazy ass in front of an old Law & Order repeat, with a pint of Ben and Jerry’s and a cell phone.  Thanks to Tinder and its on-line cousins, there is a whole new model for modern romance:

 

21ST CENTURY DATING PARADIGM:

 A. On any given Saturday night, gal flops on couch in sweats, slippers, and stained Hello Kitty T-shirt, and mindlessly swipes Tinder.

B. Gal aimlessly “Likes” every dude within any realm of possibility, considering getting drunk and not wearing glasses to be an option in a pinch.

C. Gal gets a “Match!”

D. Gal and Tinder dude proceed with standard Tinder text protocol:  “Hi.” “What’s up?” “How was your Saturday night?” etc. (NOTE: Gal lies about her Saturday night.) 

E. From two days to two weeks, gal and dude engage in Tinder text ping-pong. (Duration dependant on how many Tinder chicks dude is juggling at the time)

F. They graduate to real texting on real cell phones.

(NOTE:  Insert possible dick pic – possible sexting – he climaxes – relationship ends  – gal eats Skinny Cow)

G. Three days later, gal and dude talk on phone and hear real voices. 

(NOTE:  At no time does anyone acknowledge dick pic or sexting.)

H. Two nights following, they have first in-person date:  Drinks, hug, and small kiss goodnight.

(NOTE:  Insert possible dick pic – possible sexting – he climaxes – relationship ends – gal eats Skinny Cow)

I. Subsequent texting, with contact every other day. 

J.Gal obsessively tracks dude’s on all forms of social media.  Gal notes another chick whose posts he constantly likes.

K. Gal proceeds to “manic text” with girlfriends.

L.The following weekend gal and dude have second date:  At night’s end, they make out in car or on park bench, depending on city.

(NOTE:  Insert possible dick pic – possible sexting – he climaxes – relationship ends – gal eats Skinny Cow)

M.Gal and dude engage in one week of daily texting, replete with sexual innuendo,  “Good morning!” and “Good night!” messages, and lips, silly-tongue, and heart emoticons.

N.Subsequent date number THREE, couple engages in sexual relations. 

(NOTE:  Possible dude climax – relationship ends – gal eats Skinny Cow)

O. Gal continues to social media stalk, dismayed over dude’s continued liking of other chick’s posts – even after getting balls deep with her.  Gal’s imagination runs rampant.  

P. Gal sees doctor for STD test.

NOTE:  If you are part of 23% of the female population, and the relationship continues, the following will occur:

Q.Gal and dude mutually decide to GO OFF TINDER.  They engage in the Going Off Tinder Ritual.

 

going off Tinder ritual  (gōiNG | ôf | ˈtindər | ˈriCHo͞oəl)

noun

  • modern Homo Sapiens mating custom, generally performed in romantic setting, accompanied by alcoholic beverage, wherein a male and female exchange cellular devices, and simultaneously “delete” the other’s Tinder account. This ritual is generally followed by a kiss, and stupendous sex.

 

  • modern equivalent of “getting a piece of jewelry” once practiced amongst humans in pre-21st century era.

R. Gal returns home; calls mother, sister and all known friends; changes relationship status on Facebook; Tweets, Instagrams, and utilizes all known forms of social media to publicize her completion of the G.O.T ritual.  Experiences 24 hours of fanatical joy. Simultaneously, dude goes home and freaks out.

S. Following day, dude breaks up with gal, goes back on Tinder.  Gal eats Skinny Cow, goes back on Tinder.

NOTE:  If you are 11.5% of the female population, and the relationship continues, the following will occur:

T.Six months following G.O.T. ritual, there is an engagement.

U. Six tortuous long months of bridal showers, bachelorette parties, couples’ camping weekends, honeymoon planning, and non-stop talking about the freaking wedding.

V. Soon after, dude sees friends Tindering while out at bar, remembers fun he had whilst single and Tindering, experiences onset of “Jessica Alba Syndrome.”  (He thinks he can do better then you.  He thinks he can snag Jessica Alba.  He’s wrong.) 

W. Dude ends relationship – gal eats Skinny Cow.

NOTE:  If you are 2% of the female population, and the relationship continues, the following will occur:

X. There is an actual freaking wedding.  

Y. Kids.

NOTE:  Fifteen years later, half of these couples will divorce and buy a different book about whatever dating technology has yet to be discovered in the future.

Z. Return to A.  Repeat. Infinity. 

pcharlottelindsay.com

FB:  P Charlotte Lindsay
IG:   pcharlottelindsay

 

 

Is It Too Soon For A Relationship?

After I got divorced the first thing I did was look for a relationship.  I thought that was what I should do.  I did not realize that I should have taken the time to learn about myself and what I needed.  I did not take the time to learn what I wanted.

There were so many things that I did not realize at the time.   I was recently divorce and thought that I knew what I wanted.  I went on an online dating site and met someone within months of being divorced.  At the time, I thought I wanted a serious relationship.  I mean, what else do you do after divorce but find someone else….

We dated for over a year and it was a roller coaster of emotions.   At the time, I thought this is what I should be doing. I got divorced and now I should meet someone else.  Our relationship started out great, but soon faded.  We each had kids and with our schedules it was hard to find time together. In addition, as we got more involved in our relationship I wanted our kids to spend time together.  I quickly learned how hard it was to date someone with kids when you both have different schedules.  Dating with kids is hard.  I was trying to make him into something he was not and I was also doing things that I did not want, just to make him happy.

Besides thinking that we should each spend time together, I also thought that our kids should spend time together.  They were all different ages and did not all want to spend time together.  I wanted us to do things together as a family.    When I did not have my kids, I would spend time with him and his kids. I would help him with running them to their activities or whatever they needed.  And I did not have any time to myself or learn about my own life after divorce.  I thought this is what I should be doing.

Our relationship was very toxic at the end.  We would fight, said unforgivable things, and make up so many times.  I was scared to be alone and didn’t know what I would do without him.  We ended up breaking up.  Our facebook status couldn’t keep up with all the changes, it was a daily status update.  I  soon realized that our relationship was so wrong.  I was trying to go from a marriage of 13 years to a serious relationship with someone else before knowing exactly what I wanted.

I did not know what I wanted in a partner or even my own life.  I have now had the time to learn about myself and what I love. I have time finally do the things that I love.  While we were dating, I would spend my time doing the things he loved.  I did not take time to do what I wanted.  I love to workout, hike, and be outside.

I  would put those things aside and not do them because I felt they were not that important.   I have now learned that those things are a priority to me and I put them first.

It took me a long time to be ok with not being with someone else, not spending every moment with a date or a boyfriend.  It’s so important to know what you want and what you like before rushing into a relationship.   I learned that it is important to not settle, just to be with someone.  And I am pretty sure I have learned over the last year what I do not want..haha.  I had to learn about what I truly valued in life and in a person that would be spending time with me and eventually my children.  I had to learn what I wanted from someone in a relationship and how serious of a relationship that I was looking for right now.

During my relationship, I thought I was ready for this.  I can now look back on it and I know that I  should have taken the time to learn about myself, what I want in a relationship, and what’s important to me

Snarky divorced gal

www.snarkydivorcedgal.com

Dating Over 40

Hello all,

Have you ever heard the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over expecting different results…. Well that was my life up until three months ago.

I tried several dating websites/apps and always, always hoped for the best. As a joke I like to share with my friends and family, I’m a gluten for punishment.

A breakdown of events that led up to dates or lack of dates. I would pick a dating app and then go through the routine of setting up my profile. I would come up with my username, something cute of course, my profession, age, and a few words to describe what I’m looking for and a little more about myself. I would then proceed to look at the profiles of men that matched up with things in my profile. After a short time, I would receive a message from a man who would want to know more about me.

This is where it gets challenging, more often than not, most of the men I would message back and forth were not from where they said they lived. You guessed it, I was being cat-fished. A few if those men claimed to be in the military and they asked for money. I knew right away what was happening, so needless to say, they were blocked.

I wasn’t asking for much in a match, a man who had reliable transportation, stable housing, and stable income. A man who has his sh*t together. The last man I dated, from December of last year to February of this year, claimed to have his life together. That was further from the truth. He was not even divorced and while he was with me, he was already on to his next victim. I was heartbroken of course. More so because I gave him the benefit of the doubt, I trusted him.

I finally learned after several, several, failed attempts, to always listen to my gut and intuition. Going through the process of crying and moving on, my friends would listen and give me words of encouragement. “It happens when you’re not looking for it ” “It” being that magical feeling of being in love and having that love reciprocated. I would nod in agreement and then go into skeptic mode.

I like to think I’m a hopeless skeptic romantic.

Fast forward to June of this year, I reconnected with an old friend. We went to high school together and briefly dated in 2010. I’m not sure what the future holds, but one thing is for sure, he is the most honest, caring, thoughtful, and genuine man I have ever known. We have so much fun when we are together and more importantly, according to my gut feelings and intuition he is the real deal.

I am living proof that being tenacious works. Never ever giving up what you want when it comes to love. It is important to remember that the light at the end of the tunnel may be dim, but with supportive, encouraging friends that light eventually gets brighter. Dating is hard, especially when life is crazy and hectic, but to know you are enough and worth so much makes dating less stressful.

~Anne Smith