Tag Archives: date

Kiss A Few Frogs

Kiss a few frogs…

Oh girl, I am so proud of you. Online dating is a huge step.

And……It can be a lot of fun.

Put your smile on, dress up in that cute outfit you love so much and snap away. Along with some selfies, be sure to post pictures of yourself doing what you love. Set the Auto-Timer and snap some more. And if you have photos with friends, put them up too. (if it’s okay with them). It’s good for the men out there to see you in your element.

When you get ready to write about yourself, stand strong, wrap your courage & confidence around you like a cozy blanket & come from your heart. Talk about some of the things you like to do, your favorite coffee mug, your best place to put your toes in the sand….anything a little interesting about you that’s fun to share. Be bold. Be honest.

If you’re looking for an available man…. he will see your truth when you write from there.

Look for all that in his profile too. You want a guy who will say something about himself, but not be all up in his ego, bragging about how great he is. A guy who has more than two sentences but less than 9 paragraphs. LOL A guy who appears confident with what he says without saying “I’m the confident kind”.

AND be watchful of :

only 1 or 2 photos

selfies in bathrooms, gyms and bedroom mirrors

pictures in/on a bed

topless pics showing off his guns

And if you don’t like his initial message, or you’re not interested in meeting him, be sure to thank him for writing & wish him luck. If you want to meet a nice guy, you need to be a nice girl. And if you want to meet him, there’s nothing wrong with asking him to meet for coffee after a few messages.

Now go meet a few frogs & know your prince is out there.

xoxo

Your God-girl

Tracy

Things I Dread-Part 2

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Things I dread…It is Saturday. I’m debating another soda and a snack. No music as I just finished recording my radio shows.As much as I love music. Sometimes the quiet of our house is what I want.

Like now.

Since getting divorced there are topics I’m not a fan of talking to my ex husband about.It gets uncomfortable. It gets awkward. Like money. As I shared.Or say, dating.

There is a lot of history behind the why.

At the core even though we are not together I still want to be cognizant of how me dating will impact him and my daughter.So to be honest. I don’t tell either of them. I can hear the collective in take here.

I have a really good friend whose Mom got remarried while we were in college. It was a complete surprise. I kinda like that.There are certain pieces of my life that sometimes I don’t want the whole world to know about. At least not yet.

However, in talking to my daughter I’ve realized by not sharing that part of my life with her, she thinks I am missing out or worse and I am really trying to be careful here, thinks that means….I might get back together with her Dad. Which means if I tell her.I have to tell him. Which is hard.

I have not dated a whole lot.

When I first got divorced I was in a pretty long relationship. The person I was with was someone I had known a good chunk of my life, so it was easy and he respected my decision to keep him separate from my daughter.I’d find out later because he wasn’t ready to be in her life. If at all.

A letter from my ex husband asking for a second chance prompted the topic of me dating. It was awkward as you can imagine.

But I wanted him to understand a few things… our daughter was still my priority, I was in a different place in my life and as horrible as this sounds. We were not getting back together.

I have dated a bit. And have someone but with everything going on my someone hasn’t come up a lot. But at least now I can talk about him to my ex husband. My daughter has met him. Which is huge.

Again I can hear the intake. There is no manual for this and sometimes you think you’re doing the right thing, only to have the person you think you’re protecting tell you they need to know more about your life.

I get so wrapped up in protecting her. I leave her out.

Now that she is a teenager we have started having some serious talks about things I dreaded her knowing.It’s not all rainbows and lollipops but at least we talk to each other.How lucky am I that we can? That she wants to?

Now for me to work it being less weird with her Dad.

Be safe.

Much love Mommas.

💚 Caprise

Dating Post Divorce

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Dating post divorce….I have this friend who is recently, finally divorced after a long difficult divorce and traumatic marriage. She is finally ready to rediscover herself and to start dating again. She has entrusted me to act as a friend, confidant, and consultant. During our discussions I have jokingly referred to the fact that a “Dating Post-Divorce” handbook doesn’t exist, so we each have to live our own journeys. I have relived some of my own awakening in that initial post-divorce period. I have been able to look back and be proud of the growth I’ve made, the healing I’ve done, and the person I have become. It seems that the things she and I talk about are common themes amongst all divorcees, so I thought it might be helpful to share with others. These are things that if a handbook did exist – I wish would be included.

There is bound to be anxiety.

You have survived a marriage that ended, and survived a (maybe painful) divorce. The thought of doing everything again and FAILING again is difficult to acknowledge and process through initially. It is ok to be scared. But try to push through – don’t let the fear keep you from doing things that are important to you.

You don’t have to marry every person you meet, or date.

Dating as an adult with kids is a different ballgame, folks. You are not obligated to do anything. Your relationship (or lack thereof) can be anything you want it to be. Want to be single? Awesome. Want to date casually, without strings? Awesome. Want to have sexual relationships? Awesome. Want to have a committed relationship? Awesome. You get to decide what you want, when you want it, how you want it. Along those lines….

You have power.

One of the most powerful things for me post-divorce was rediscovering myself. Dating again really helped me to do that. You have the power to say no. To start something and not finish it. The power to speak your truth. The power to change your mind. The power to verbalize what you want. The power to verbalize what you need. The power to make your own decisions. The power to control your own body and the choices you make for it. No one else gets the power to do that for you. You are in control.

You don’t owe anything to anyone but yourself (ok, and your kids).

You are not obligated to anything for anyone. See above. YOU get to make the choices that feel right for you. Those choices are different for each of us, but we are the ones that have to make them at the end of the day, and own them right choice or mistake.

It’s ok to not know what you want.

It’s hard initially when you start dating again to figure out what is really important to you. What you really and truly want and don’t want. What is a deal breaker and what is flexible. Along those lines we are told we should “get out there again” soon after divorce, and it feels like everyone is telling us we should be looking for our next husband pronto. It’s ok to take things one step at a time, and to assess your needs/wants along the way. As I told my friend….the only question you need to answer after the first date is whether the person you just met is worth meeting again to continue to get to know. It’s ok to define the relationship as it develops, to continue to float along because your needs are being met and the other person’s needs are being met. You have the power to pull the plug and move on if those needs are ever not being met. It’s ok to define the relationship too, if that puts you at ease. You do you.

Try to let go of expectations.

I’m not sure about you, but this is a hard one for me. Dating in today’s world is EXHAUSTING at times. Some of the expectations we carry with us (societal norms, our experience with relationships from those around us, etc.) seem to make that worse. You don’t have to be anything you don’t want to be, do anything you don’t want to do. Neither should be person you are getting to know, or dating, have to be anything they don’t want to be, or do anything they don’t want to do. Mutual respect between two people, and respect for yourself is key. You can’t force things to happen in a manner you want them to. Some things work out and some don’t. You may get ghosted; you may find the love of your life. Let things develop and see where they go, without the expectation that it will be anything in particular.

We all come with baggage.

Mine comes in the package of trauma and anxiety from an emotionally abusive relationship. I had processed a lot, healed a lot by the time I started dating. But I have had so so much to learn about myself. My trauma and anxiety have reared their head when least expected in a relationship, and I have had to battle them. Learn from them. Learn when my feelings are an old response, or triggered by my past. Learn when I can trust my gut and when I can’t. The person you are dating may have baggage too. Treat theirs in the manner you hope yours is treated, with patience and respect for them.

We ALL make mistakes.

What’s important is what we learn from them. The same concept we teach our kids applies to us too. That leads us to….

Be patient with yourself and kind to yourself.

This is a learning process. At times it seems fast, at times slow. At times you know what you want, at times you don’t. At times the stress is high, at times the savoring and enjoyment of life is prominent. Wherever you are at, whatever your choices, be patient with yourself and kind to yourself. You would do the same for others.

Happy Dating,

Nothing Gets By Teenagers

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Nothing gets by my teenagers…

My girls are almost 16 and 13. Yes, in their teenage years. We have a pretty close relationship, which I value very much. I have raised them pretty independently and let them make a lot of decisions on their own. I have always believed in giving them some freedom, if they can not handle it, then I tighten the reigns a little bit. So, when the topic of MY dating came up, it caught me completely off guard.

I have not dated anyone seriously for about 4 years and after we broke up, I never brought anyone around the kids. Their dad was remarried and they have had their share of challenges on that side. So after my boyfriend and I broke up about 4 years ago, I just kept that part of my life quiet. And honestly, I haven’t given that much time to dating, so their has been no one even worth mentioning.

And then it happened, I was driving my oldest home from practice and she heard my phone ding… and then she says, “ Ohh is that a snap from Nick” (in that teenage half kidding snotty voice) and I almost thought I heard her wrong.. And it took me a few minutes to pull myself together and think of what I was going to say and how was I going to answer her questions.

She says “ your phone always dings and it says… Nick is typing”..

Then you open it, then you laugh and smile”…

It was like she had been watching me for months. She knew all my little secrets. And I had thought I had not given any hints away. Damn it.

Then, she asked “ who is Nick mother… I wanted to just say “nevermind” but I had to remind myself that I have always been open with my kids. I have always taken the time to answer their questions as honestly, as I can. I have been far more open with them, than just give them nonsense.

I told her it was a someone that I had gotten to know over the last few months and that I was dating, and she seemed happy with the answer. I know she ran an told her sister the minute I was out of the room. I also assured her that we were moving very slow and that we were just newly dating. But I am sure it did not come out like that to her sister…

So, the next couple months, have been filled with little sarcastic remarks from the two teens or the “two peas in a pod” about my dating. It’s the one topic that they love to band together on instead of bickering about. he snarky little comments they whisper under their breath, like “ohh is that a text from Nick”… with that humor in their voice.

At times, I feel like they are the mothers and I am the daughter. Just waiting for their nosy questions-watching to see if I am going to sneak out after curfew, watching to see if I have done my hair, watching to see if I am wearing lipstick today. Yes, they notice it all.

Most of my days are filled with driving my kids to and from school, in between working, then driving them back and forth to activities, plus making sure I am correctly teaching them and parenting them, in between all of the millions of other things, that need to be done, all while I am wondering if I am even doing anything right. Ohhh and don’t forget feeding them.

So this topic of dating in our house, has kind of added a new form for lightness and fun. It has made me realize that they are getting older and understand things… they may even understand that at times, their mom needs to have a little fun. And maybe at times, I can be a little more open with them about my life.

It also made me realize, my kids are watching me all the time.. Just when I think I am sneaking something by them, they catch me…but I love that they feel open enough to come to me and ask..

-Snarky

www.snarkydivorcedgal.com

The Day

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The day…

I am not listening to music. I just finished a very watered down iced latte that I picked up on my way home from work.

This week was the week

Full disclosure I am really bad with dates.

I ALWAYS remember my daughter’s birthday but if there isn’t a calendar reminder for it I won’t remember. (Her birthday being the exclusion)

AND

Except of course the day my divorce was final.

Which was exactly nine years ago. The exact date and time I can tell you as well.

I even remember what I was wearing.

So when I got up on Monday because it was on the 12th… I was already sad.

I had a good solid cry in the shower.

I put on one of my favorite, comfiest outfits. I took time getting myself ready for work.

On my drive in I listened to one of my favorite songs and willed myself not to cry again.

Here’s the thing. I don’t get sad on this day because I miss my ex husband. Leaving him was healthy for me. It was the right thing. You either grow together or you grow apart. The reality is when someone constantly makes you feel like who you are is not enough… How can you grow?

As a person? Or with them?

I am sad on this day because I am a natural caregiver. I like to take care of people. I am an incredibly independent person but I have parents who have been married almost fifty years. They have family meals. They dressed up together for Halloween. Valentines Day, Birthday, Holidays everyday…. They showed us what it was like to be married to someone you liked, loved and was your partner in crime.

That is what I wanted.

I still do sometimes. But I worry. Always, if I can’t make someone like my ex husband happy. Maybe I can’t make anyone happy.

Maybe I’m the reason.

I know that I’m part but not all.

But no one gets married to get divorced and as someone who honestly never thought they would get married. To have my marriage fall apart.

It hurts.

I thought I did everything right and it still wasn’t enough. And now years later he is still so incredibly angry at me.

So every Fall on a certain day I just want the day to be over before it starts.

Then I take a deep breath and focus on all the positives that have come out of one of the hardest decisions I made.

It’s silly to think hard decisions are ever easy.

But they make you stronger.

In my case if I’m being honest. Better and I feel guilty for saying this.

Yes, happier.

I didn’t fail because I’m divorced.

It doesn’t mean I’m not lovable or likable.

Hopefully at some point this day will be one I don’t remember. Or at least one that won’t hurt as much.

Be safe.

Much love Mommas

<3 Caprise

Slow Your Roll On Dating

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Slowing your roll on dating….

Omg Janet I can’t t believe he hasn’t texted me back.. I texted him at 8:30 am and its 8:45 am.. ughh I know he doesn’t like me. I shouldn’t have texted him… Yes I know I’m being a little over dramatic but its true. All I can say is “Slow Your Roll” in dating.

I think most of us experience these thoughts running through our head from time to time. The insecure thoughts that take over our mind as we enter the world of dating. The thoughts that we need to get past to become more confident and patient. I still have those thoughts go through my head… It is really hard to overcome especially if you have had failed relationships in the past.

I think the best advice I can give is to slow down in dating… “Slow Your Roll” as I say to my friends. I think that the world of on line dating and texting has hurried up the entire process. If someone doesn’t respond, we move on to the next. If they do not respond within the time frame we set, we get upset. Or we send another text….before they have time to respond.

When I first started dating after my divorce, I was very insecure, plus I had not dated in about 13 years. I would constantly think if I wasn’t texting someone or have a date planned for the week, they didn’t want to see me. Obviously I forgot that people have lives and are sometimes busy. Crazy, I know…I can not hide it at times.

Everything just needs to slow down… they do not need to respond within minutes, there doesn’t need to be a next date set right, and you do not need to see each other every day. When we start to rush and think this way, that is when my insecurities would kick in.

Slow your roll… we can all take a minute to breathe in dating. Take the time, have the patience, and enjoy the fun of dating. I continuously remind myself of this over and over again. When I start to ease back into my old way of thinking, I remember that there is no rush. I have to take a minute to remember to slow down in my thoughts and actions.

Slow your roll… I know some of us are looking for that ultimate soul mate and others are looking for companionship, either way, take the time. Be patient. There is nothing wrong with easing into the dating. There doesn’t always need to be a plan for the next date, just day by day.

I will be honest and maybe I am different than most, but I like time alone. I do not want always want to spend my next free moment with someone. So, I will say no to a date if I want a night to myself and it doesnt mean I do not want to date that person. I just get very few moments to do nothing and sometimes I like that…

Be patient with each other. Learn to listen to that person…I have learned to listen to what they are saying… If they say, they are just looking for something casual, then they are probably not going to give you as much time as you are expecting. If they mention they have a big project next week, then they might not have time to see you. I have just really tried to listen to what the person is saying instead of letting my insecurities set in.

Take a breathe. Let them take the time to respond. Give yourself time to respond. Do not rush into making the next plan. I have just learned that having patience is really the key when getting to know someone. You also learn more about yourself and what you want in dating. The more patience that I have, the more I learn about that person and myself. So, slow your roll, dating is not a race.

-Snarky

https://www.snarkydivorcedgirl.com/

When Life Gets Messy

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When life gets messy with relationships and dating… how do you take time the time to figure it out?

When life gets messy…I used to just move on to the next thing and stay constantly busy. I would make plans every night. I would plan my weeks out way in advance. I would make sure to not have a free moment to myself. I would basically try and cover it all up, sweep it under the rug, and move on.

I was continuing to fall into the same pattern with my relationships. Mostly because I would not take the time to figure out what what went wrong or what I really wanted. You date someone for a few weeks, you break up, then you keep yourself continuously busy until the next person comes along that peaks your interest. I found this to be very true for me. I know that is what dating is about, but after a consistent pattern of failed relationships, I had to do some soul searching.

I have had to do a lot of self reflection on my relationships over the last five years, some were long term and others were short lived. At first, I just thought I wanted a relationship. I did not take the time to really think about what type.

Could I fit this person into my life?

Did I have time to meet what they needed?

Did I want a serious commitment?

Could they fit me into their life or their schedule?

Did they want a casual or serious commitment?

Did I need someone that would make plans with me weeks in advance?

I had to think was I too needy for them or not needy enough?

I needed to think about all of these things… and also think about what I was ok with in a relationship.

No one is going to do everything that you want. I think many times in the past, I have talked myself into dating this person longer than I have should have… I thought we might eventually like the same interests, I thought he might eventually show me more attention, I thought eventually he might do what I wanted…haha… I am kidding.

Many times I would say to my friends, “ ohh he is really nice”. Many people are nice, but I should not be dating them because they are nice. I would spend way to much time devoted to someone that was never going to fit with me, when I should have ended it.

Many times after the relationship failed, I was like how come I didn’t end it sooner. I mean there were huge red flags, but I just kept on with it and didn’t pay attention. If I would have just stopped, done some honest thinking with myself, I probably would have saved myself the heartache.

Besides trying to figure out why it didn’t work, I had to figure out what I wanted. If all the signs were there that it wasn’t working, why was I still determined to try… was it because I was afraid of being alone or just wanted the companionship.

I stopped keeping myself continuously busy, instead I slowed my life down. I stopped looking for the next relationship. I had to think about what was important to me. I asked myself all those questions over and over again. I had to realize that what I thought I wanted or was told I should want, was not really what I wanted. I was spending time going after the wrong relationships. I had to constantly remind myself of this when I began dating or a new relationship.

Because life in relationships gets messy… I had to continue to be very honest with myself.

-Snarky

https://www.snarkydivorcedgirl.com/

Do I Need A Man?

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Do I need a man? I heard a commercial on the radio for a new talk show. One line stood out to me in a snippet of interviews. I have no idea who it was, but she said (and I’m paraphrasing), “when I got divorced, I found I needed men to help me find my way back to myself.” That line has been sort of reverberating around in my head for the past couple of days. I’ve been trying to figure out if it was true for me or not.

As an independent woman, I think my first inclination is to say; wait, I don’t need a man for anything. I only want a man for things. However, the more I think about it, the more I feel a connection to those words. There are some men in my life that I really needed to go through in order to know what I wanted, what I needed, and what I deserved. Then, ultimately when I found all of those things in someone, I needed to be able to let him heal some things in me that I could not heal on my own.

Let’s start with the first guy I fell for. He may have been the first guy I genuinely fell for my whole life. But looking back, I fell for a game. He was well versed in keeping women’s attention and he thrived on it. We never dated, but we talked all the time. We talked about random things, sometimes nothing exciting at all. But he was who I wanted to talk to. I was hooked on the conversation. And he really talked to me. It was something I hadn’t had in my marriage. So, what I learned from that is that I needed someone who would talk to me. Someone who would be my go-to person. That is the positive that I learned, and I won’t even delve into the negative.

Next was the guy who was amazing in bed. He wasn’t just amazing in bed though, he was genuinely attracted to me and could not get enough. That was important because it was something else lacking in my marriage. I needed to know that someone could see me like that. Because I saw myself primarily as a mother, then as the ex-wife of a man who never wanted me, and never as an attractive woman. I also learned in a successful relationship, sex is a very important part of the foundation for me.

Lastly, was the man who treated me like a princess. He was older than me and very kind. At first he lavished attention, time, and gifts. He always opened my car door and treated me with respect. He made me feel beautiful and taken care of. It didn’t work out, but it was a mostly positive experience. He taught me that I deserve those things because I’m willing to give them.

So I learned all of those things that I wanted in a relationship by dating men. So, it was true for me, I did need men to help me realize things about myself. There were other men, my ex-husband, one narcissistic nightmare, and various others along the way, but I am choosing to focus on the good I learned from them and not the negative, though I learned many cautionary tales. They molded me as well, but I am afraid not necessarily in good ways, except maybe to make me stronger and wiser.

I learned I need meaningful conversation and a lot of it. I learned that sex and feeling attractive is huge for me and has to be solid. And I learned that I want to be treated well, maybe not over the top, but some chivalry is very much appreciated. And then I knew I needed those things to have a successful relationship. And then I met someone who gave me all three.

Stronger Than Yesterday,

Alice

Yep, I Was Ghosted

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Yep.. I was ghosted. You meet someone online, you start texting back and forth, then it leads to daily good morning texts to afternoon texts, to evening texts. You talk continuously throughout the day about everything. It continues for months..

Then it just stops.. no morning texts or afternoon texts. Nothing… just crickets. So I guess that’s what people say is ghosted. I was ghosted. I even confirmed with my friends …sure shit I was..

Most of the time, I am not the girl that initiates a snap or text. Maybe I’m old fashion or just want to feel wanted. I’m just a girl that really enjoys funny humor and communication. I enjoy getting to know someone.

So now I’m asking myself…what did I say or do? Was it because I didn’t initiate conversation? Maybe I should have initiated more texts.. but it’s a hard line to walk because I don’t want to be the annoying needy girl. Ugh… no one wants that.

Or was it because I don’t have the time to send a million selfies? Did I not use the right filters? Or was I boring? Maybe I wasn’t using the right emojis..But why the ghosting? Honestly I’m not sure I’ll ever know.

And sometimes you even start making excuses for the person that ghosted you.. like I thought to myself, “ ohh he must be really busy at work or he must be with his kids, or maybe he’s sick”…. Right. I have learned from my dating life when someone is into you and when they are not. And here I am now making excuses.

I have asked myself all those questions over and over…Why does it happen to so many of us all the time…The ghosting.. I just don’t understand how people can not communicate. Or maybe just could say that they are not interested, or confused, or dont know what they want… but something would be better than nothing at all.

It’s hard to start being invested in someone and then they just disappear. It really tugs at your heart, your self confidence and self worth at times. It definitely played with my insecurities. It doesn’t matter if you are 16 or 56, you still have the same emotions with getting to know someone. And after it happens once, how do you prevent it from happening again. I know I have my guard up a lot more now.

And I know I was guilty of ghosting when I was on dating apps years ago. I would chat or go one a date with someone and then eventually not respond. I didn’t want to hurt their feelings or have a tough conversation. So instead I would just not respond, instead of being an actual adult.

Then I learned it was better to just be honest if there was no connection, or if you felt you wanted something different. And with some people, I have continued on with a friendship.

But with others, I have had to discontinue all communication. I learned that I was looking for the easy way out. And I would avoid the difficulty. Not one of my best decisions…

So when it happened to me now. I just had to let it go. You might never know why you were ghosted. You just move on. Getting caught up in the why it happened will not get you to move forward. Some people are not able to communicate how you would like…and as much as you want a reason or answer, you might not get it.

Unfortunately, I still miss the person that I talked to daily…. The ghoster.. most of the time it was just meaningless humor and daily conversation. And I miss that in the craziness of my life…

-snarky

https://www.snarkydivorcedgirl.com/blog

The Whole Pie

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The whole pie…

I have shared with you all there are certain things I am hesitant to share.

I have been told I can be hard to know. Not as a person but in relationships. I don’t share, I put my guard up.

It’s definitely something I am working on and working through.

God bless my therapist.

At the core of it is trust. While in my day to day I see the best in people sometimes to a fault. For people I am in relationships with I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

That blueprint was laid down early on. If I’m being honest, I think I have only had two relationships my whole life where I wasn’t cheated on. I will own some of this. I tend to fall for the men who in conversations I end my sentences with he’s not like that when he’s with me. He promises he won’t. He will by a certain date.

The irony is I come from a family where my parents have been married for over forty plus years. They are loving and supportive.

Where did I learn that wasn’t what I deserved? When did I become “The Fixer of Broken Boys”?

I honestly don’t know.

The older my daughter gets, the more I realize I have to make sure I show her what a healthy relationship looks like.

Sad thing is here I sit at almost fifty and guess what? I am just starting to have one.

Now you know that.

We still have some mountains to climb and we have our moments, but for the first time since I became a single Mom, I think this person might be someone worthy of my daughter.

That is saying something because well, I have been single since she was two and she’s twelve.

I have someone who doesn’t dismiss me when I am upset. The phrase “I am not trying to lessen how you feel…” , has actually been used when he has been perhaps sharing his side of a disagreement.

I feel like I can let down my walls. Here’s the thing. They are those electric mall kind, so I can just as quickly put them back up. But they’re firmly in the middle right now. That’s a start.

My best friend, who is also a single Mom and has known me since I was thirteen, shared with me a beautiful post about you should be in a relationship that feels like you have the whole pie.

I don’t have the whole pie just yet but I definitely have a pretty big slice.

As I do I’m sending you love Mommas.

<3 Caprise