Tag Archives: Dale Carnegie

Talk In Terms

‘Talk In Terms of the Other Person’s Interest’

The last principal was about listening instead of talking. Dale Carnegie said that listening to someone is enlivening to them. Yet if you must talk, talk about something that they are interested in.

 I admit it, I would talk about gadgets and technology and Apple computer all day nonstop, if I could.  Its actually embarrassing to admit,  but its true. Anyone who really knows me, knows that.  If you want my attention, talk to me about the iPhone, or iPad.  Sometimes people stop me in the store and ask me how I like my Apple Watch. I have to be careful not to take up a half hour of their time in the store lauding The Dick Tracy gadget on my wrist. 

 We are all like that with regard to some topic. So really, our job is to find that topic for other people.  

 Theodore Roosevelt is purported to have made a habit of staying up late reading up on topics that the people he was meeting the next day, were interested in so he could have meaningful conversations with them about something that was of great interest to them. People were always impressed with his extent of his knowledge on many subjects.

Too often people seem to be interested the other person when in reality they end up talking about what they personally are interested in. Such as; oh, Im sorry you hurt your wrist. I hurt mine a few years ago…” and then launch into a long story about themselves. Talking in terms of their interests, not yours.

Lets all take the time to learn and talk about what other people are interested in. We will all be richer for it. 


Begin In A Friendly Way

Begin in a friendly way….Years ago, when Dale Carnegie was a barefoot boy walking through the woods to a country school in northwest Missouri, he read a fable about the sun and the wind. It serves as a vivid reminder of the power of this principle of earning others’ trust. The sun and wind debated about which was the stronger, and the wind said, “I’ll prove I am. See the old man down there with a coat? I bet I can get his coat off him quicker than you can.” So the sun went behind a cloud, and the wind blew until it was almost a tornado, but the harder it blew, the tighter the old man clutched his coat to him. Finally the wind calmed down and gave up, and then the sun came out from behind the clouds and smiled kindly on the old man. Presently, the man mopped his brow and pulled off his coat. The sun then reminded the wind that gentleness and friendliness were always stronger than fury and force. – quoted from How To Win Friends And Influence People In The Digital Age
Remember to always begin in a friendly way.
Some people have asked “isn’t that manipulative if you don’t feel friendly?” The answer is yes it is. The importance with all of Dale Carnegie’s advice is to be genuine and sincere. If you can’t do that, wait until you can. The hard truth is that the issue you might have with someone has little to do with them.
Gary Vanerchuk says “Engagement has to be heartfelt, or it won’t work. . . . You cannot underestimate people’s ability to spot a soulless, bureaucratic tactic a million miles away. It’s a big reason why so many companies that have dipped a toe in social media waters have failed miserably.”
You are a good person, prove it.

Get The Other Person Saying Yes

Get The Other Person Saying Yes, Yes Immediately….
This is another Dale Carnegie principle, the idea itself has been credited to Socrates who was famous for asking questions rather than making statements in his dealing with people. This allowed him to understand them in a deeper way.
Unfortunately over the years sales people have been taught this as a “sales technique“ in order to coerce a customer to buy something. Having been associated with the sales industry for most of my adult life, I find the idea of manipulation detestable.
What Socrates and Dale Carnegie meant by this method was, to find areas in which you agree with someone.  There will be places where we disagree, but looking for where we agree does a couple of things. It causes us to think in terms of the other person’s interests and it takes our focus off of where we disagree. We are more likely to find common ground where we agree.  We are more open to someone else’s views when we feel they understand ours. We feel validated.
 “In talking with people, don’t begin by discussing the things On which you differ. Begin by emphasizing – and keep on emphasizing – the things on which you agree. Keep emphasizing – if possible – that you were both striving for the same end and you’re only difference is one of method and not purpose.“
– Dale Carnegie; How To Win Friends and Influence People
So, get the other person saying “yes, yes” immediately, and do it sincerely.

Arouse In The Other Person An Eager Want

Arouse In The Other Person An Eager Want

In Dale Carnegie’s book How To Win Friends and Influence People, there are a collection of human relations principles, 30 to be exact. This is principle 3.

 I remember when I first read this principle I didn’t really understand it. Then I read an example from his book… 

 “One day the famous philosopher Ralph Waldo Emerson and his son were trying to get a calf into the barn. It was going rather poorly. They pushed and the calf pulled. They pulled and the calf pushed. Meanwhile, their housemaid noticed their predicament, and though she couldn’t write brilliant essays or books, she possessed an insight she thought might solve the problem. She walked over to the calf and put her finger in its mouth. While the calf suckled, she gently led it into the barn. What did the maid know that the luminous philosopher had forgotten? She knew that one of the calf’s core desires was food. Once she tapped into that desire, the calf willingly followed. Emerson and his son merely thought about what they desired—the calf in the barn so they could eat their lunch.” from “How to Win Friends and Influence People” by Dale Carnegie

 What I like most about this example is that the desired result didn’t come from the smartest person in the room, nor the most educated…it came from the person who paid attention to what was most important to others and was willing to give it to them.

 It is not about manipulating or forcing someone to do something. It is about paying attention to what is important to them. People are much happier to help if they can also get something they want. By paying attention to other people, and being interested in learning more about them, will likely result in better relationships.

 Carnegie’s book was written in the 50s but is still very relevant today. If you haven’t read it yet, I recommend it.

 Full disclosure, I was a Dale Carnegie instructor for 10 years early on in my career, and still read it every couple of years as a reminder of the important things in life.