I can’t tell you when it happened or when I chose to let my guard down for something, I shouldn’t have given a second look to. We often don’t know the broken parts of ourselves until we fall into a toxic situation. I will start by saying a lot of what I did was far from anything I am proud of, but I want to use this experience to help others in the dark scary space of a bad relationship.
For myself I know I always tried to accept my partner for exactly who they were and love them in all their flaws so I could get the same love in return, but this does not mean allowing bad behavior. Toxic relationships come in secret. They can sneak up when it is already too late, and you have fallen face first in love.
One of the first times I was screamed and cussed out I was leaving the emergency room from a
chrons’ flare and I didn’t even understand what was happening. The situation stressed my partner out and it made ME feel guilty for having put them in this situation. Looking back, I should have been done right then and never looked back but sad to say, it was only the beginning.
One Christmas I remember not having my kids for Christmas Eve, and for some reason I was not allowed to be with my partners family for their Christmas celebration and I just set there alone in my house staring at a fire and a tree filled with presents for BOTH our children and I remember feeling so let down and alone. How was I in a relationship?
We should never accept the very minimum of someone. We should never put our basic needs to the wayside to appease them and what they think is normal if it is hurting our hearts.
I have already had failed relationships in the past and as my mid 30s’ were creeping up I simply told myself don’t give up; keep trying no matter what do not quit. But this was the absolute worst thing I could have told my self for the course of almost 2 years. After I got off work one day, I came home to an empty house as they had already packed up their stuff out of my home; with a text message saying they didn’t feel like they had the freedom to come and go as they please so they needed to go. Within 3 weeks from that we were already back to the vicious cycle of not allowing each other to go because I didn’t want to give up and they didn’t want to see me move on.
There is something about jealousy that is scary. We can’t fathom the idea of someone we love being with someone else even if they are NOT the person for us, so we hold on for dear strength until we have muscle failure.
I think the worst feeling is when you see yourself changing into something you aren’t because you are so dead set on making this relationship work it becomes on obsession as if it was a drug but in my opinion, worse. I had just assumed I was getting skinnier because of my illness but it was in fact stress. I went to 18 sessions of therapy to try to get a hold of myself so I could let it go but I was left months later in a deep depression. I am very passionate about my political views and beliefs, but I found my self listening to some of the most racist and downright ignorant comments I ever heard in my life and it was coming from my partner and their family.
Once the family was not supportive of me and tried to shine a negative light on me, I knew it was the end. It wasn’t the entire family but one in particular that didn’t actually know me went from calling me sis to an ugly worthless…. Well you can imagine the rest
We tend to forget our worth and all that is great and makes us who we are after being put down so much. Dear ones, this is not true, and it is only a reflection of them not you. You are a light to this world and anyone putting pain in your life or screaming at you or putting you down with words has more broken in them than you can help no matter how much you love them
. I started to blame myself often and realized that may have been easier on my partner to point fingers than to really work on the issues at hand that motivated them to be so hateful to me in the first place. Calling someone a and name or anything to put you down or an F YOU; is NEVER okay. We try to justify it because we love them and so badly want them to be happy but what are we saying to ourselves when we let it go and hug and kiss them and go back to them?
Until you love your self you can NOT actually love anyone; this goes for me and for my partner. Had I loved myself more I would have ended that toxic relationship long ago. Cutting it off was terrifying and gut wrenching. I don’t think I will ever stop loving them but after getting
put down and crying so often for so long there was simply nothing left in me to continue. I learned over time if I tried to end it in person it wouldn’t work but I finally did via text message and blocked before they could respond.
Then the hard work comes. You are left with yourself. Being alone is hard and it sucks yes but it is A LOT easier than being in a toxic love story. You have to remind your self of your worth even if you can’t see it or feel it or recognize yourself in the mirror. You have to make a promise to your heart that you deserve so much better than something that broke you. No going back to a circle that never stopped and no going back to something that didn’t bring you respect, honor or real love and a future. At some point you have to tell yourself that you are the most important thing in your life (aside from your kids) because in the end we all die alone. If you don’t love yourself people will see that, and the wrong people can take advantage of you until you have nothing left. I lost several jobs over the course of the relationship, my health declined and the relationship with my children suffered. I had to decide to teach them the right way to handle a bad situation and that was to simply to wish them well with love and let
Wherever you are I hope you are working on you like I am working on me, and I hope one day you will love yourself as much as I loved you. Thank you for teaching me what I don’t deserve and reminding me of my worth; I will forever be grateful for this experience. I will always remember you and my toxic love tears I shed for you and if I had to go back, I wouldn’t change a thing.
I forgive you.