Tag Archives: control

Boundaries After A Divorce

Setting boundaries has made me go from pulling my hair out crazy to  finally having some peace. Boundaries are one of the most important things I have learned since my divorce.  I never thought about setting boundaries until my divorce. I was always a “yes” person.  Many times in my life I never really wanted to say “ yes” to things but I did.. I did it to not cause any conflict or I thought it was what was expected of me.

It took me a couple years into my divorce until I realized that I needed to set boundaries with my ex husband.  Because how I was living now was like having a mosquito constantly buzzing around your head as you are trying to sleep.. you try and try to swat at it but it never goes away.  That is what I was dealing with every day of my life.

There are many reasons for needing boundaries, but mostly I needed to set boundaries to have peace of mind and live my life.  As I mentioned in some of my previous blogs, my ex did not have much input in parenting of our children when we are married. I made most of the decisions regarding finances, parenting, and basically most decisions in our life.

Soon after our divorce, that changed.  I would receive numerous text messages or emails from him regarding my parenting decisions.  He would text and ask “why I would let our kids stay home from school when they were sick”.  Or texts on reminding me to have them shower or asking when they went to bed.  He would argue back and forth on why I made that decision.  Basically any decision that I made regarding the children, he would question.

For years, I engaged in his texts and emails.  I felt that since it involved the children that I needed to respond and explain my decision.  He never agreed with me nor did what I say every make a difference.  He made me feel like a failure as a parent and I also started to question my decisions.  (Let me remind you that I stayed home with our kids for 8 years and pretty much made all the parenting decisions for 3 kids, I am not exaggerating)

Then finally I realized that this was affecting myself and my children.  I was starting to change how I parented my children.   I  would not handle situations like I normally would, in fear of having to explain myself to him… I would start to think “ ohh I can’t do that because your dad will get mad”.  I would not let my kids do things in fear that I would receive a text from him. I know crazy right..  And then it finally hit me, like what the hell am I doing.. I have never questioned my parenting decisions in the past.  And I would cringe anytime I received any communication from him.. the worst part was that my kids could tell how It would affect me.  I would not say anything to them directly, but they would see how my moods and body language would change.  I would become instantly irritated by the text from him.

I finally decided to just not respond or engage.  Unless the text or email directly affected the schedule of the kids or their well being, I did not respond. I disregard any texts regarding discipline, sick days, what the kids wore to school, remembering to have the kids shower, remembering to have the kids bring their snow clothes… the list goes on.  I started to set boundaries in many areas that included him.

I would only respond to emails that required a response by direct input like schedules, shared finances, children’s activities, or school.  Anything that was communicated to me by text, I did not respond. I did not engage in any texts or emails that were worded with assumptions or belittling towards myself.  If the text to me was worded with “ I know you will do it anyways but..blah blah blah” I did not respond.  Anything that was not a direct fact, I avoided.  I avoided those texts because they were sent to get me to engage with him.

It did actually work, I received less text messages from him.   Sometimes I would receive 3 or 4 in a one night and I just learned to not respond. I did not let it bother me and I went about my business. Sometimes I would just turn my phone off.

I would not respond to any text that included an assumption on myself, children, or parenting.

I keep him on “do not disturb” in my phone so if he does text me I am not immediately

I keep all communication short and direct.

I tried to send all correspondence in an email during normal working hours.

I do not discuss anything involving the kids without them present so we are all involved and there is no he said/she said.

Setting these boundaries was the best thing I could have done for myself and my family.   They helped me gain confidence again on my decisions.  I did them for myself and to get past

There was no reason to have interaction with someone that made me question myself and my decisions.  And you eventually realize that as much as you explain things, some people will never hear what you are saying.

It took time to get to where I am today…  It takes a huge amount of self control.  I’m definitely not perfect with it and sometimes I have set backs with my reactions.  But,  I love my life with my kids and I really feel that limited communication with him is the best for myself and my family.   And that is the most important….

 

Thanks for reading!

-Snarky

 

https://www.snarkydivorcedgirl.com/blog

Trust The Process

Three years ago I had the idea that I should put out a yearly workbook to help you guys design a better new year…I worked on it a little but it didn’t materialize into form. Today I completed the outline for that workbook which will be in your hands by October. It was a process, one that I could not really see because back in 2016 I thought it was a failed idea. God had more things to teach me before that workbook would be all it could be, I didn’t know that then…I could not see.

Often we are in the middle of a process that is bringing us to greater good yet in the middle it looks like a hot mess…it’s hard, sad, confusing…we feel inept, like we failed and we think that life is not working out for us the way that it should. We want instant gratification and quick results…at almost 51 I can promise you that anything worth anything does not come without doing the work to earn it. Even though I know this and understand it, I still want everything to happen sooner rather than later and patience is still something that I ‘mostly’ lack.

I never used to be good at the “trust the process” thing…people would say that and it would piss me off…in my opinion the process should hurry the F up. That didn’t do any good of course, things take as long as they take and I saw that I could either learn to accept that and embrace it or I could just be aggravated all the time.

About 4 years ago I really started to learn the gift of trusting the process, by this time in my life I had seen enough things turning out well to know that if I was living my life right things ultimately would work out for me. To me trusting that life has a process means trusting that God is always working things out for the good and I can rarely see the whole plan at any given time.

That means that I have to let go of my burning wish to control every freaking thing and TRUST that things are lining up and occurring the way that they are meant to. This also means understanding that my way is the inferior way…my will and my way are simply the means that my mind uses to try and control every thing…I have come to understand that there are a LOT of things that I cannot control and I have exhausted myself for almost 5 decades trying to make things bend to my will.

Not anymore, after the car accident last year in August I clearly came to see that there is very little that I can control—-HOWEVER what was meant to harm me in all of that turned out to BLESS me—-every, single aspect of it. I learned so much from that reckoning. (For those of you that don’t know, I was driving along minding my own business when a construction truck and trailer jumped their lane and came at me head on…I saw it coming and I was able to swerve and avoid a head on, however they completely sheared off the entire drivers side of my brand new car including the wheel…by the GRACE of God I was able to climb out my moonroof and I made a complete recovery, replaced the car etc). That incident taught me truly that I had no control over some things.

What I learned was really how to trust the process, at the time that all looked like a terrible mess and as I said it turned out to bless me in every way and really, truly changed the game for me—-I learned so much about certain things—- it was a process that in the middle I could not see—-yet now a year later I understand what God was doing.

That incident, moving back to VT and leaving my corporate job are all situations that have schooled me in “trusting the process” in ALL of those things I could not see to the end in the middle, in ALL of those situations I did not understand the entire plan—I had to step moment-by-moment trusting that everything was working as it should….and it WAS…

My message to you…TRUST THE PROCESS…you are being led where you are supposed to go even when you cannot see…in these situations you must walk by FAITH and not by sight. Keep breathing, keep moving…better things are coming.

XO,

Noelle

To Grow I Must Embrace These Changes

To Grow I Must Embrace These Changes

There has been a lot of change going on in my life as of recent. I have never been a big fan of change. This time instead of fighting against the forces that be that are pushing me in new directions I have been embracing them and going with the flow.

One of the many changes in my life is that I have a new relationship in my life. Someone who treats me right, so much so it scares me sometimes. I have never been with a decent guy before, I have always been with the guys that neglect my needs and make me beg for what I need in a relationship. The absence of this struggle has me on my toes waiting for the other shoe to drop. Then I realized it wasn’t coming. Which made me analyze why I was waiting for things to take a turn for the worst. I didn’t feel like I deserved to be treated right, why you may ask? It’s from all the years of justifying others mistreatment of me. Now I am learning how to love myself and to allow someone to love me.

One of the other big change bombs in my life is that I have been officially diagnosed with lupus. I’ve been in an out of the hospital for years, with symptoms that doctors couldn’t explain why I was having them. More recently I’ve been in and out of the hospital more frequently and I finally got a diagnosis. For those who do not know what Lupus is; it is a auto-immune disorder where your body mislabels your healthy cells as invading pathogens and then the body proceeds to attack itself. Specifically, with lupus it attacks skin, organs, muscle and connective tissue. The fact that I live in a colder unstable climate increases the amount of activity this disease has. So being diagnosed has led me too two bigger changes in my life.

I am uprooting my life and moving across country to Texas, for the warmer stable climate with lower cost of living. My last day on the job at the casino as a blackjack dealer is May 6th. The new person in my life is following me and my children down there. I am also immersing myself into homeopathic and herbal healing to find alternatives to heal myself and others.

I am diving head first into all of this, and I’m refusing to allow fear to control the steering wheel. I know that I cannot continue to grow unless I embrace this change and allow myself to be uncomfortable. It’s time to heal old wounds and embrace my new life. 

Always be unapologetically yourself,

Ali

Being Powerful In Your Life

Yesterday we talked about being authentic by owning your truth and I said that your real power lies in that, in the taking responsibility for whom and what you are.  The next step to being powerful in your life is learning to stand in the middle of whatever seems to be happening and keep your joy and your cool.  I have been studying success and prosperity principles since I was 12 years old, I have been to every seminar and workshop you can imagine and am probably one of the most self-aware and well-trained people you will ever meet and YET I still have days where circumstances appear and try to stop me cold.  The last few days have been like that, things have appeared that have made me want to worry, panic, give in to fear-based thought, pull-in, withdraw…take your pick of any response that is reactive and that is where I have been the last few days.  The ticket out of that crap is to STAY FOCUSED ON YOUR INTENTION FOR THE OUTCOME—DO NOT under ANY circumstances judge anything by the way it looks in the moment—EVER!

ALL your power comes from being able to stay with your intended outcome and not buy into what ‘seems’ to be happening around you in the moment, these ‘seeming’ setbacks or unwelcome things are merely testing you.  Will you crumble at the first sign of adversity??? Or will you DRAW A LINE in the sand and REFUSE to be moved???

When life is throwing you stuff that seems unwelcome or unsettling it is simply a test of your strength and resolve, a test to see if you can be shaken off your position, swayed from your intended outcome because if you can be pushed off that easily then you are not worthy to have what you are wanting.  You have to be willing to do WHATEVER IT TAKES to get what you want in life, most people run away weeping at the first sign of things not turning out the way they want.

Seeming adversity is merely being used as a sharpening tool—life wants to see if you can stand the heat, if you can stand strong through the storm and remain joyful in the process.  It’s time to draw a line in the sand and refuse to be moved.  It’s time to create the life that you want!  xoxo