Tag Archives: consequences

Respond…Instead of Feeding Into A Reaction…

Respond, don’t react.  This is something that I have talked to you guys about more than once and in fact I believe it is even a chapter in the new book that came out last November.  When we are in the middle of an argument or faced with a stressful situation or in the midst of an emotionally charged situation we are “in a reaction” meaning that we are upset, without our equilibrium, feeling unsettled, have temporarily lost our bearings etc, etc—just sort of in the center of a shit storm.

This is NOT the time to make decisions!  Any decision made in the middle of a reaction will not be a fortuitous one. In fact it will likely be a regrettable one.  This I know from experience:)

Reacting is automatic, it is never measured or thought out…reacting is yelling, slamming doors, walking out, speaking before you think it through…you guys know what I am talking about, we have all been there, done that.  Nothing good ever comes from allowing yourself to get lost in a reaction.

When you find yourself in this state the biggest favor you can do yourself is to STOP talking, take a breath, leave the room, walk away for a moment…whatever it takes to give yourself a chance to hit the ‘reset’ button.  Once you have composed yourself and calmed down, you can think about how you want to RESPOND.

Responding takes a conscious effort, it allows for an action appropriate to the situation at hand.  There is an immense amount of power by responding in lieu of reacting.

Reactions bring drama and nobody needs more drama…

Responding means that you have to know when to walk away and take a moment, meaning that you may not get the last word or you may not get to hammer your point home…and you may not get to be ‘right’—responding means acting like a grownup which is always a good thing:)

 

 

Moments…

As promised, here I am blogging again…this is the first in a series of musings as I approach my 50th birthday in August…they will likely be random in nature…enjoy…XO…

In all of our life stories there are always those moments, the ones that alter everything.  The ones that change you in a way that will never be undone.  They are in every story of consequence that we carry with us…often in a wonderful way and also often in a way that we will never recover from.

Bear in mind that I don’t say “will never recover from” in a negative way, I say that in a true way as in we will move on from that moment, we will put ourselves back together, stand up, forgive, keep going…yet we will NEVER be the same exact person that we were before that moment occurred.  We will be more cautious (perhaps), wiser, less innocent, less naïve…most of all we will be DIFFERENT.  Often the people that contributed to those moments will want us to go back to being the same, they will want to erase the damage that they helped to happen…yet we cannot.  We are different now and will remain so.

I think this is why my Grandfather would tell me that once you left someone or they left you, once it was over—do not go back.  He would say that people don’t really change and that eventually the things that didn’t work would reappear.  For the most part, after just about 50 years now, I believe this to be the truth.  I think that there are cases where exceptional people do the work and repair broken things with success, however, I would call that rare…

The moments, they are not always in romantic relationships…those moments can be with a friend, a parent, a relative, a job…the moments that change you, they come from all kinds of places…sometimes they are caused by actions and sometimes by words.  I can recall holding my tongue more than once in my life for fear that if I uttered the words I wanted to it would cause a moment that could not be undone.  I can also recall times that I said those words, the ones I should have held in and I did cause moments that couldn’t be taken back.  I am guessing we have all been on both sides of that coin.

As I approach 50 in August, I am doing a lot of sorting and reflecting…making decisions about who I want around for the next 50 and who and what I can do without.  We put up with a lot of things…I am finding that I don’t really want to do that anymore.  My time is valuable to me and I want it spent on things and people that matter.

Looking back through the last 50 years, I gained an understanding of these ‘moments’ that I am speaking of.  I think that there is a lot of power in owning these moments and recognizing how they changed us, it can provide us with wisdom for what is to come next.

No matter what kind of moment it was, there was always a lesson…granted sometimes one that I did not learn until long after the moment had passed…really though that is how most things are, often we don’t see what there is to see until we get to the other side.

~Noelle

April 2, 2018