Tag Archives: confusion

Lost & Confused, Do The Next Thing

If you’re lost and confused, Do The Next Thing…

One minute my life looked like this and the next **SNAP** it looked like that.  One minute I was going in that direction and then **SNAP**, I’m going in this direction.

Have you ever been so overwhelmed that you couldn’t see right in front of your face?

So anxious that you didn’t have an answer to something simple?

So confused that you weren’t certain how you were going to make it through another day?

I did.  It was awful.  I couldn’t get out of my own way.  Why was I able to manage my life for the past 50 years so extremely well and then all of a sudden, I was lost in the middle of my days?  I couldn’t see the overload until it was on top of me and, but by then, it was too late. Some days, I couldn’t breath …or at least it felt like it.  I used to have everything all figured out and on task and in line.  And then  **SNAP**, I had no idea about so much.  And trying to keep up with everything was exhausting.

It’s called trauma.  It’s called PTSD.  It’s called “Do the Next Thing”.  That was my mantra.  “Do the Next Thing”.   Until I got on the other side of it.  Until I healed that part of me and could manage my life again, I just kept telling myself “Do the Next Thing”.  Every Day.  All Day.

Get out of bed…do the next thing. Brush my teeth…do the next thing. Wash my face…do the next thing. Have something to eat…do the next thing.  I kept it so simple.  I managed what I could manage.  I took on what I could take on.  I did what I could do.   And everything else waited.

So the next time you can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel and you’re feeling overloaded and lost and confused…..Do the Next Thing.

 

Your God Girl,

Tracy

The Grip Of Addiction

My thoughts and feelings on addiction have always been about my Dad, this time it’s someone else, someone I haven’t seen in many, many years, but have much love, care,  and concern for I am worried, for her, her family, her friends. I know what the grips of addiction on a loved one feels like but no two people’s addiction is the same.

Young

Beautiful

Energetic

Intelligent

Worthy

Happy

Ambitious

Those are all words I would use to describe her, her potential and who she is and should be…

Aged beyond her years.

Hardened

Desperate

Manipulative

Denial

Scared

Angry

Sad

Death

I imagine those are words that some would use to describe her now…

Addiction is a strange thing…deep in the moments with my Dad’s addiction I would know he was all these negative things to people on the “outside”.. he was those things to me. Yet, I would get so defensive of anyone whispering about him, making fun of him, judging him.

Addiction plays games with EVERY ONE. I have been told it’s a disease, a much larger issue for the addict, then those who are affected by and are around the addict. For those of us on the outside looking in on our family member, friend, our loved one. ..we see and hold on to who this person was BEFORE. The potential this person has if they would just quit, if they could see it for themselves.

There is a lot of debate, discussion and studies on whether addiction is a disease or whether it is not.  There are days I will agree that it is a disease….some days  I get frustrated with the why’s and how it can even be compared to a lethal illness that someone didn’t choose to get. Addiction is a lethal disease that started with a choice?….a choice. That’s hard for me to get past.

I have made the personal decision after knowing that I have done all that I can, to discontinue a relationship with my Dad. Doesn’t mean it makes every day any easier-I still wonder, worry, am saddened, angry, defeated, disappointed, exhausted, confused. So many emotions.

My Dad’s best friend for many, many years, starting with their childhood, passed away a few weeks back. My brother and I talked back and forth as to who was going to tell Dad-not something we want to tell him under normal circumstances and certainly not something either of us want to tell him under these circumstances.

My brother told him.

I received a voice mail from Dad that night, he thought he was leaving a message for his drug dealer, careless on his part-seems like a “rookie” mistake-which also tells me he is in deep again. I wonder how bad one has to be to confuse his daughter’s phone number with his dealer’s phone number.  That hurts..A LOT!  I still have the message. I have held on to it these past few weeks feeling like I need to, for a “in my defense” when someone wants to judge me for not speaking to him. Ridiculous, huh? Having to explain why I don’t want to be around a junkie, who lies, steals, takes advantage, is erratic and so on.

I know that this is not a choice everyone will make or even want to make. Addiction is not a cookie cutter situation from person to person and family to family.  The one thing that is constant and that I am for sure of is that addiction is evil. And hard, ever so hard. There are so many casualties of addiction. No one wins besides the addiction.

Much Love,

Kim