Tag Archives: confused

Lost & Confused, Do The Next Thing

If you’re lost and confused, Do The Next Thing…

One minute my life looked like this and the next **SNAP** it looked like that.  One minute I was going in that direction and then **SNAP**, I’m going in this direction.

Have you ever been so overwhelmed that you couldn’t see right in front of your face?

So anxious that you didn’t have an answer to something simple?

So confused that you weren’t certain how you were going to make it through another day?

I did.  It was awful.  I couldn’t get out of my own way.  Why was I able to manage my life for the past 50 years so extremely well and then all of a sudden, I was lost in the middle of my days?  I couldn’t see the overload until it was on top of me and, but by then, it was too late. Some days, I couldn’t breath …or at least it felt like it.  I used to have everything all figured out and on task and in line.  And then  **SNAP**, I had no idea about so much.  And trying to keep up with everything was exhausting.

It’s called trauma.  It’s called PTSD.  It’s called “Do the Next Thing”.  That was my mantra.  “Do the Next Thing”.   Until I got on the other side of it.  Until I healed that part of me and could manage my life again, I just kept telling myself “Do the Next Thing”.  Every Day.  All Day.

Get out of bed…do the next thing. Brush my teeth…do the next thing. Wash my face…do the next thing. Have something to eat…do the next thing.  I kept it so simple.  I managed what I could manage.  I took on what I could take on.  I did what I could do.   And everything else waited.

So the next time you can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel and you’re feeling overloaded and lost and confused…..Do the Next Thing.

 

Your God Girl,

Tracy

The Grip Of Addiction

My thoughts and feelings on addiction have always been about my Dad, this time it’s someone else, someone I haven’t seen in many, many years, but have much love, care,  and concern for I am worried, for her, her family, her friends. I know what the grips of addiction on a loved one feels like but no two people’s addiction is the same.

Young

Beautiful

Energetic

Intelligent

Worthy

Happy

Ambitious

Those are all words I would use to describe her, her potential and who she is and should be…

Aged beyond her years.

Hardened

Desperate

Manipulative

Denial

Scared

Angry

Sad

Death

I imagine those are words that some would use to describe her now…

Addiction is a strange thing…deep in the moments with my Dad’s addiction I would know he was all these negative things to people on the “outside”.. he was those things to me. Yet, I would get so defensive of anyone whispering about him, making fun of him, judging him.

Addiction plays games with EVERY ONE. I have been told it’s a disease, a much larger issue for the addict, then those who are affected by and are around the addict. For those of us on the outside looking in on our family member, friend, our loved one. ..we see and hold on to who this person was BEFORE. The potential this person has if they would just quit, if they could see it for themselves.

There is a lot of debate, discussion and studies on whether addiction is a disease or whether it is not.  There are days I will agree that it is a disease….some days  I get frustrated with the why’s and how it can even be compared to a lethal illness that someone didn’t choose to get. Addiction is a lethal disease that started with a choice?….a choice. That’s hard for me to get past.

I have made the personal decision after knowing that I have done all that I can, to discontinue a relationship with my Dad. Doesn’t mean it makes every day any easier-I still wonder, worry, am saddened, angry, defeated, disappointed, exhausted, confused. So many emotions.

My Dad’s best friend for many, many years, starting with their childhood, passed away a few weeks back. My brother and I talked back and forth as to who was going to tell Dad-not something we want to tell him under normal circumstances and certainly not something either of us want to tell him under these circumstances.

My brother told him.

I received a voice mail from Dad that night, he thought he was leaving a message for his drug dealer, careless on his part-seems like a “rookie” mistake-which also tells me he is in deep again. I wonder how bad one has to be to confuse his daughter’s phone number with his dealer’s phone number.  That hurts..A LOT!  I still have the message. I have held on to it these past few weeks feeling like I need to, for a “in my defense” when someone wants to judge me for not speaking to him. Ridiculous, huh? Having to explain why I don’t want to be around a junkie, who lies, steals, takes advantage, is erratic and so on.

I know that this is not a choice everyone will make or even want to make. Addiction is not a cookie cutter situation from person to person and family to family.  The one thing that is constant and that I am for sure of is that addiction is evil. And hard, ever so hard. There are so many casualties of addiction. No one wins besides the addiction.

Much Love,

Kim

What Does One Do When They Don’t Know What To Do?

One of my best friends is going through a rough, long separation. They have 4 very young children, and this has been an ongoing situation. A toxic, damaging, ongoing situation.

She is fighting like hell to get her normal back-not going to happen. Even if the two of them make it out on the other side of this together, stronger. What she refers to her normal, will never be their normal again, EVER.

I want her to leave him in a serious way. I want her to begin working on only her and her children. I see someone in her that I have begun to not even recognize. I have patience, and love for her because I have been there myself, many years ago, and I care so darn deeply for this woman. Where everyone’s situation is different I don’t like to compare my experiences to hers, I see myself in her, those many years ago.  She is a strong, confident, independent, smart, beautiful, funny, loving woman! I say  “is” because it’s all still there but I slowly see her losing everything she is. He has somehow begun to manipulate that perfect, beautiful woman in to something unrecognizable. A few months back I use to see remorse in his actions and words. I don’t see or feel that any more. I also love her husband,her husband and mine were the best of friends, I am not sure what happened to him. I don’t like it and think he is very dangerous.

She needs to find her way back to who she is and begin to mold her new normal in to what is best for her and the kids-what they WANT! Not the chaos, anger, bitterness, stress that this man brings.  I am not sure what to do to help her. I wish I knew. I am not convinced she knows what I can do to help her.

I love her and she doesn’t deserve this.

Love to All-Kim

Excitement In All Forms

Excitement comes in all sizes, shapes, styles and kinds… just like presents. Sometimes when I am excited about something I also feel relief and on occasion it comes with anxiety for me.

My dad finally agreed to come to our house for a few days.  That was 2 weeks ago-I was super excited to see him and hopeful for the future and maybe the possibility of him being back in my life. It happened pretty fast, his decision to come, and I didn’t have much time leading up to him arriving to dwell over whether it was a good thing, bad thing, the right thing or the wrong thing. It takes about an hour to get to his house, the morning I went to go pick him up, I went alone and that hour was NUTS-back and forth between excitement, anxiety, and fear. I am pretty sure I talked myself out of turning around at least half a dozen times.  But I pushed through, picked him up and brought him back to our home. It was a weird 3.5 days. I can’t say it was the best 3 days I have ever had, although one would like to think after over 2+years of not seeing your father it would be the greatest reunion ever. It didn’t quite happen like that-there were moments where I was pissed at him and his actions while in our home but I chose not to cause a disagreement. There were moments where I wanted him to be back at his home. Moments of sadness looking at this man and not really knowing who he was and wondering if I want to know him. I also felt pity. He is nothing of who he use to be and after this I have understood and accepted that, FINALLY.

It was pretty low-key, we did very little except hang around the house with the kids and eat. My kids were excited, and seemed to have enjoyed the time they spent with Grandpa. My older two know more of what Grandpa goes through with his addiction(s) and mental illness, my youngest knows none of it.

My excitement of this visit comes from anticipating that maybe this time he has hit his rock bottom and not excited that he had to hit the bottom but excited that maybe he finally realizes what he is losing/lost.

MAYBE-there is always that maybe-I’ve said maybe a million times over with the rock bottom. And for those of you who understand-you can relate to the excitement with the anxiety.

Love to All-Kim