Tag Archives: comparison

I Need A Reality Check

I need a reality check…

As I write this as I do every week I am listening to music this week it’s NEEDTOBREATHE “Banks.”

One of the lyrics is “baby  you don’t have to do it by yourself. Want be there when darkness closes in to make the truth a little clearer.”

While I am an incredibly independent person. I keep quite a bit of my life private.

I have moments.

Especially right now in the midst of all of this. I gesture broadly. I begin to wonder as I watch the tenth  romcom on Netflix and  say I don’t want it, but really I do. If I ever will. Have it. That elusive kinda all or nothing relationship and maybe that’s a deep dive for another time.

I have moments where  I feel less than. Where the littlest thing feels like the biggest thing. Where I absolutely can not see that light at the end of the tunnel. Where I second guess everything.

Then the guilt comes. I have so much. More than a lot of other people especially right now.

But in this I have gotten to live in my head a little.

Ok, a lot.

I need a reality check.

There are so many things I wish I could take back. There are so many things I wish I could say. There are so many things I wish I had done.

I am heading into my fifth month of essentially wearing outfits that can be work or nighttime wear as I rarely leave the house.  I really can’t stand seeing my face on ZOOM anymore.

I started out with a pixie and now have graduated to a shaggy bob.

I’m really not sure if I will be able to wear shoes or jeans again.

Meanwhile, I am doing that thing you/ I should never do. I’m comparing myself to these women who are baking the banana bread, teaching their children French and look immaculate everyday.

I might be exaggerating a little.

We’ve been put in this fishbowl and now things I normally don’t see or wouldn’t see or don’t care about.

There they are.

In my face.  All the time.

But then out of nowhere while I am writing this very blog, having a gigantic pity party.

My taller than, me thirteen year old asks if she can have a cuddle.

She gets a pillow and puts it in my lap. She gets quiet. I ask her what’s wrong.

She gestures at the air.

“This.”

I hug her.

Suddenly I really don’t care that I have been living in t-shirts. I can’t imagine how she is feeling. Her school year ended abruptly. She couldn’t celebrate becoming a teenager with a big party like we had hoped. She sees her friends sporadically and when they do see each other it’s six feet apart with masks because we are in the part of the country where cases are spiking. Her new school year will be virtual. She won’t get to play the only sport she loves.

She has only seen her Dad once.

And in all of this you know what SHE did? She took my phone and put daily reminders telling I’m beautiful. I’m loved. She put post it’s on the mirrors with positive sayings.

She always says I love you. I get all the hugs I can handle.

Even during all of THIS.

THIS is something I continue to struggle to put words to. But I’m incredibly thankful for the amazing human that keeps it real for me.

My reality check.

No more pity parties. I am not less than I am someone’s Mom and that is definitely more than enough.

Much love Mommas

Be safe

<3 Caprise

My Frenemy Social Media

Bill Murray recently tweeted: social media is training us to compare our lives, instead of appreciating everything we are. No wonder why everyone is depressed.

As a recovering insomniac I have a bad habit of reaching for an electronic device when my brain decides I need to overthink something at 2 AM. Which is a bad idea. I know this.

Bill’s not too far off. It’s hard not to do. I’m guilty of it. Who isn’t? You see your peeps post pictures of beautiful vacations meanwhile I’m excited about going to Target by myself on my lunch.

Your girlfriends who are madly in love, posting flowers and cards, and outings. You are spending your fifth Valentines alone sporting the noodle necklace made by your kiddo.

You co-worker running a marathon while you’re lucky if you make it to the third floor of your office building without being lightheaded and winded.

You cousin eating a gourmet meal out, you are tucking in with Taco Bell.

Or how about when you are in a relationship and suddenly things that before social media maybe you didn’t see or even care about. Now you see. Like that girl who likes every DAMN thing he posts. Or how he comments on that one girl’s stuff but never yours.

Are you taking this in? It’s kinda silly right? It is. But as humans, at our core I think we all want to be sparkly and loved. We don’t want to show our flaws. That’s weakness. It’s hard to show those bad days, to enjoy that Taco Bell, to realize that girl liking every DAMN post may just be a friend, and even if she’s not, trust your person.

On the flip side there are some really fantastic things social media has brought.

Like I can keep in touch with the funniest person I know, my 72 year old great aunt.

Memes!!!! I love memes. It’s bad. I have a problem. Luckily, so do my girlfriends.

Reconnecting me with people I lost track of. I’m looking at you my Chewbaccas.

Helping me find cool events to do with my family and friends.

New music.

Recipes.

This page (The Working Single Mom) <3

Tips and tricks for almost ANYTHING.

Some absolutely truly heartwarming stories.

I guess where I am going with this. With anything… remember who you are. You are sparkly and beautiful even when maybe you feel like you aren’t.

There is no such thing is perfect.

And really who wants that anyway?

By the way I love me some Taco Bell and my noodle necklace is my most prized possession.

BUT just in case the next time you’re mindlessly scrolling remember this:

“Be yourself today. You look beautiful like that.”

 

And as always I got you Mommas

XO

Caprise