Tag Archives: communication

Keeping Me Time In Relationships

Me time…..I had never really had my own hobbies or activities when I was married.  I know I have wrote about that in the past, how I would just go along with whatever my husband did or enjoyed doing for the most part…Towards the end of our marriage, I started to go to concerts with my 3 of my lifelong friends.  And as time went on, I started to get into more activities that I loved, some were with friends and others were by myself.  

Years after my divorced when I was in a relationship, I felt myself slipping into that old pattern.  I would give up the things that I loved to do.  I would go along with the activities that he loved to do.  I would give up working out in the morning, which is something that I really needed to do and loved to do every day.  I really wanted to workout and get up an go for a hike, but I felt guilty doing it.  On the weekends, we would tend to all of his hobbies or the sporting events.   After months into the relationship, I did not spend much time doing any of  the things I loved.   I think part of me was just insecure of losing the relationship.  I was under this mindset that It was one or the other, either interests or a relationship.

Now, years later I have found my favorite activities and interests again.  I have wrote many times about the importance of having that time to do what you love…Or finding time to try new interests that you might love.  There is something about having that one thing that you just love to do.  I joined a golf league 3 years ago and I know that it is something that I would not give up. I love it!   

I have had numerous conversations with my friends about keeping your “me” time even in relationships.  I have had numerous conversations with them about how you can still have a great relationship and can spend time apart.  You can still take the time for golf league or girls nights or book club.  Or you can still take a night to just hang out by yourself. 

It’s hard to keep a good balance in a relationship, especially in the beginning.  We meet that special someone and you just want to spend every moment with them. Its exciting and new….And then what happens….you learn they are a hunter and is gone every weekend for 3 months? Or they play on the fastpitch softball league?  Or he plays on a bowling league every Wednesday night?   And then what if you break up?  

What happened to all the things you loved to do… did you throw them all away for the last few months or years during the relationship…  Hopefully not… or even worse did you ditch all your friends and now are hoping one of them still remembers your name… hopefully not.   

The reality is that I have things I like to do and sometimes I like to do them alone.  Being in my 40’s, I do not want to give up my interests and the things I love, but I also want to have a good relationship.  It’s a balance to have that healthy relationship and still have your time.  What is too much time apart and what is too little… it’s a balancing act.  If I want to continue golf league every Tuesday night, then I need to be supportive of his bowling league on Wednesday nights.  

There are many different scenarios to having your “me” time and communicating it in a relationship.  Having that time for you and your activities is healthy…it makes you happy, gives you confidence, and gives you ownership in something you love!   Don’t give it up!

-Snarky

www.snarkydivorcedgal.com

 

 

Are You Listening?

One of my favorite Jimmy Eat World songs has a chorus with the lines… “if you’re listening, sing it back.”

Then there are the whoa’s for good measure.

But it makes me think of how we, ok me, how I communicate with people.

In particular the ones I am dating.

Look I pulled back the curtain last week about easily one of the worst relationships I have ever had. Might as well go here too.

I am not the best communicator.

I can write. I can host a radio show, two actually. I can speak in front of hundreds of people.

Tell the man I love what I want.

Lol.

Nope. Not always.

Not at first. Not until he uses the jaws of life to get it out of me.

Friends, there have been times I have had to cover my eyes and turn around when I have to share.

My favorite thing, when things get deep for me is to say ANYWAY.

The thing is I do share. But I continue to live in fear if I share too much I will be perceived as weak or a burden.

None of which I am and if someone treats me like that when I share something that means something to me- I don’t want them in my life.

Somewhere along the way someone taught me they don’t want to know the things about me, that make me, me. I have friends who have seen me at my worst know all my hopes and dreams and decades later are still here.

So why can’t I accept someone I love wouldn’t feel the same?

I don’t know. I do know but that’s not what this is about.

It’s about all of us as a collective getting comfortable with telling people, in particular people we love what we need.

One of my good friends likes to say- if people don’t want to know the answer they shouldn’t ask the question.

But what if they’re just being polite?

See what I did there? That is called negative self talk. Don’t do that.

Every week I put pieces of myself on paper for you all to read. The difference is for me at least – I don’t know you. You can’t break my heart.

I think at the core of this, that is my problem.

Why I am not always the best and being straight forward.

I don’t want my heart broken.

I am forty eight years old my friends, I am way ready to have my time for happy. As long as I am openly communicating… I have spent way too many decades wanting things I don’t have.

I had an idea of how things were going to be and absolutely none of that happened. That’s ok. It happened. I survived. I did what I needed to do.

But I am so ready.

Beyond, for all of it

So I guess I better start speaking up.

And I hope you do too.

Be safe.

Much love Mommas

<3 Caprise

Date Night Has Changed My Relationship

My husband and I are finally recovering financially from Christmas and 2 children’s Birthdays! Every year we have a budget for Christmas & Birthday’s, but no matter how much planning, saving and budgeting we do through the year, it still sets us back, and something MAJOR ALWAYS HAPPENS(this year it was the engine in our car). We have an emergency fund so that has been depleted, but that is what’s it there for.

So, the reality of it is, something suffers. Unfortunately, it’s usually our once a month, minimum “date night”.

Having been married and divorced once before, and close to divorcing a second time. I had to sit down and evaluate what it was that was suffering. When I married for a second time, it took us 7 years to decide that we were going to marry. My first marriage was young, impulsive, infidelity, lying, abusive, immature,expected and toxic. This marriage is NOTHING like that-how could we be headed down the road for divorcing?!? We both have/had responsibilities in this break-down, some small, some larger. For me, I felt like we were just going through the motions of raising kids, paying bills, doing chores, and focusing on and pleasing what mattered to everyone else.  I didn’t want to be “mom” every moment of my day, every day of my life. I enjoy being mom and wouldn’t trade it for the world BUT I also wanted to be the woman who he fell in love with to begin with. And I didn’t want him to be dad every day of the rest of his life. We needed to get back to taking care of ourselves and taking care of our relationship. So, one thing we decided on was a minimum of once a month date day/night. And over the last 3 years I would have to admit, we have missed a few but always get back on track! It’s done wonders for us. As we grow older we change, I nor he is the same person we were when we met each other, and probably not even the same people we were a year ago. Our date night allows us to continue to get to know each other and connect. Finding time for just our relationship was not the only issue we had but I would say the biggest issue we had, once we started date night our communication also opened up.

There comes times when date night is just not doable in the financial means so we have found ways to get around that. Picnics, fishing, kayaking, making and sitting down to supper together ALONE, etc…

If you are a reader of our blog, we always talk and stress about how important it is to take care of yourself-needing to be healthy and the best for yourself before you can for others! This is first and foremost. But also be sure to make the time to take care of your relationships too, whether it be with a significant other, a sibling, best friend, parents, whomever! A phone call, a cup of coffee over the dining room table, a walk around the park while the kids are playing, whatever it may be, do it!

Love to All-

Kim

Choice Is Yours

The phone rang yesterday morning and it was a friend of mine…her mother had died unexpectedly in the middle of the night…I just kept saying over and over “Oh my God” and then I started to cry.  My friend said she loved me for that…she has a hard time with emotions and it is difficult for her to ask for help or support…my greatest gift to her has always been to express whatever is there…

I talked with her for a long time and I told her that people would say a lot of different things to her over the next days and weeks…most of it kind but meaningless as the majority of folks can’t handle death and they will do whatever they can to avoid it…those are the people that say things like, “she is in a better place now”.  Those of us that have experienced death and not run away from it will tell her the truth…it is horrible, there is nothing more awful, you will have some very dark days and then the shock will fade some and the tears will come less frequently and you will get up and move through your days…you will laugh again and you will be less sad, however there will not be one day that you don’t miss the person you have lost and there will be some days where it seems again unbearable.

In the midst of it all if you are a fully functioning person there will be laughter mixed with your tears, there will be some anger at the loss, some “this isn’t fair” conversations in your head, some doubt of God’s plan…however those of us that have faith in something bigger than ourselves trust that life has a natural order to it and that things happen as they should even if we don’t agree.

Mostly people suffer greatly from a death when they are incomplete with the person that died…when they are still holding a grudge or the last words they had were in anger or they didn’t say that “I love you”…or they didn’t call enough or visit enough…or take time enough to tell people what a gift they are.  Those are the undelivered communications that bring you to your knees when someone leaves in an untimely and unexpected fashion.  Undelivered communications are what guilt and remorse are made of, I don’t recommend them.  I was taught at an early age to be complete in every moment…for some people close to me that means an “I love you” almost every time we speak…I think they tire of that, but I don’t care much because I know that if anything out of the ordinary happens I have delivered my message.

Walking my friend through her initial shock jerked me back to when my grandfather died…that is another reason people don’t deal well with the news of death because it causes them to momentarily relive whatever loss they have experienced and for some folks that is an unbearable thought.  People do strange things with death…which is funny because we are all going to leave this planet one day, one way or another…so it seems like there should be less fear and more acceptance.

People might leave this place, however the people that we love are never, ever gone…they are as alive as we make them.  My grandfather’s pictures are on my bedroom wall, in my hallway and on my desk…I think of him every day and often I can hear his voice in my head still advising me…and I am confident that he has sent certain people into my life to keep his watch…there are pieces of advice that he gave me that continue to shape my life…so for me he is still very much present.

Granted there are several people that I feel like I couldn’t live without, yet I don’t live in fear of them dying…life has a way of taking care of us if we let it…however we have to let it, which means a certain amount of trust in the process must be present…for many of us this isn’t the case.

Fear comes from thinking thoughts that scare you…you always have a choice…you can choose to think about things that keep you moving forward or you can choose to think about things that stop you.

I highly encourage you to choose to deliver your undelivered communications—unfinished business is bad mojo especially when people die unexpectedly…

Tell people how important they are to you all the time…tell them how they have contributed to you…tell them that you love them…forgive people for whatever harm you think they caused you, walking around holding grudges will only make you sick and depressed…that kind of stuff will suck the life right out of you.

 

Like it or not folks we are just here for a visit…seems to me we should be filled with gratitude for lives well lived and make the best of it and we should make it our business to make the best of it for other people too…it is always better to give…