How do you keep the boundaries set that you have spent years putting into place? How do you constantly not get pulled into the drama of someone’s life? I have spent the last few years of my life, setting boundaries with my ex husband. This has made my life much easier and less stressful. There have been less engaged discussions or one sided arguments due to the boundaries that I have created. I have kept communication limited to keep my life moving forward. These boundaries were set to move forward with my life and children.
I feel that my life has flourished over the last 5 years. Yes, I have had many ups and downs, but I have pushed through them. I enjoy my life now and I have worked hard to get to this place. My kids and I have experienced many challenges and somehow gotten through it. We have created this comfortable and fun life for ourselves.
As I continue to move forward, I feel that others in my life are still stuck at times. Yes, this is my interpretation, however I set many boundaries to keep all of the added conflict, drama, and arguments out of my life. This has been a constant challenge. I feel like I’m just walking down my own path, trying new things, and learning about myself… and then all of a sudden I am constantly blindsided by something from my ex’s life.
Some parents have great co parenting relationships, but my ex and I just don’t. I have written about our co-parenting challenges and how it does not always work. So as I am moving forward, I have to constantly ignore the drama from the other side. This is a struggle. There are so many times that I want to ask my kids what is going on at dads, but I have to remember that it will only lead to problems. I do not need to hear about the fighting at dads, the finances, what they eat for dinner, or what he says about my life.
I have learned to not ask my kids about their time at dad’s house. As kids they do love to volunteer the information freely, so I am constantly reminding myself that it is no concern of mine. My kids are very comfortable with me, so unfortunately I usually hear everything. I do not offer my advice to my ex on things that my kids tell me, so freely. I do not ask questions about his life. I also need to remember that the things I hear from my kids is their perception and it is not always as how it happened…
I am trying for us both to live as separate of lives as possible, but share 3 kids. In trying to stay out of the drama of his life, I have had to learn to say no to him. I will help my ex with the kids as much as possible, until it interferes with my life. I also have a life that is just as important.
In the past, I would have taken the kids at a drop of the hat, if something came up in his life. I would have changed my work schedule to accommodate his schedule. I would have backed out of plans with friends to help him, just because I thought it was for the kids. I thought that was what good moms do… Saying yes did not make me a good mom. Because in the end, I am the mom that would do anything for her kids, so this is really tough.
I am slowly realizing that he needs to figure this out. Yes, I do help many times, but I can not always be available. He will assume at times that I can help him out and I am learning to say no. Over the years, I have learned to find solutions to my own conflicts with my kids. I have found carpools and friends to help me out when I needed help.
Keeping the drama out of my life has let me move forward… I am not stuck in my old life. I have a new life that I created and I continue to focus on that. I let him figure out how to handle his life and situations. I do not add my advice or input. I just go along my own path learning to say no more often, keeping the boundaries, and ignoring the drama.