Tag Archives: choices

Searching For Peace

I have been searching for peace… since March(ish) whether I’ve wanted to or not I have been forced to think about how I have lived my life.

Who I spend my time with. What I want. What I need.

For the longest time I thought I was not a social person. I am still pretty sure I’m not. I have no desire when I’m able, to sit at a bar. That has never been my thing. But I miss my friends. Even though I am usually the friend who cancels or leaves early.

I am shy, but I miss walking into work everyday and saying hello. I miss chatting with people in stores that I went to frequently.

I thought I was confident in my skin… but the more time I spend online those doubts that I was pretty good at batting creep up. Sadly online has become a twisty lifeline. Not my favorite. It wasn’t before, it isn’t now and it won’t be after.

Although, comparing myself to anyone is silly. We all know how easily you can mold yourself literally, to be a completely different person online than you are in person .

I am always taken aback when I meet certain people in person and they look decidedly different IN PERSON than they do online.

I continue to say this. We have some huge opportunities here. As much as I lament about certain things. I am searching out the things that give me peace.

As I like to say. Like it’s my job.

My newest thing is windows wide open listening to the wildlife that live in the marsh across from my house. Really listening. They are a chatty group, but they are also my favorite lullaby.

I try not to look at this time as being alone but time to focus, or at the very least slow down. Although, I am not going to tell you I don’t get incredibly, painfully lonely sometimes.

I’m not going to hide that.

That’s the other thing. I’m learning to be honest with my emotions.

I wear my heart on my sleeve but if I think how I feel may hurt you or cause a burden, I do what I do. I go quiet. I might even run. That helps nobody.

I’ve started taking a step back. For the longest time because of some of the hurt I’ve had, I had a bad habit of assuming the worst. Of everything. Of everyone. I would look for cracks that didn’t exist. It was easier to self sabotage than get hurt.

Now you know that incredibly dirty secret.

I am forcing myself to still be me but be ok with me.

Which is probably the hardest thing for me.

I am not perfect, but as I say that is ok. And ok is a good start, because it leaves room for good and even great.

I am sorry I don’t have the magic elixir Mommas but as I also say…I hope me sharing helps. It helps you know, however you’re feeling… it’s ok and you’re not alone.

Be safe.

Much love Mommas

<3 Caprise

Are You Settling?

Are you settling?

If you have been keeping up with my blogs, my life is …well… It’s kind of messy.

Some of it I can control.

A lot of it I can’t,

But what the gift this chaos has given me is some moments to look inward.

Look at who I really am and what I really want.

I have had these conversations with myself before and a little bit even with you all.

The big difference is I am not sure if I listened. I also was never this close to losing so much.

I started to wonder, am I settling?

Have I settled?

I think I have.

In my career definitely. It was easy. I knew it, it felt safe so I stayed even when there were many times I shouldn’t have. Even right now. I should probably be running for the hills, but I’m hanging on to a shred of I don’t know what, because I’m afraid of the unknown.

In my personal life. I don’t speak up like I should. I do but I don’t. I am so afraid of upsetting the person I’m with, that I don’t speak up sometimes until it’s much too late. The hurt is already there. The irony is – he wants me to. But what I know- is to say I’m fine and move on. Put the wall up. Be hurt and hope maybe he’ll figure it out.

No he won’t.

I need to tell him.

But I won’t because it’s easier not to.

I cross my arms and quietly stew.

The only place I don’t settle is how I deal with my friends. I call, I reach out. I am incredibly honest with them.

I wish the person they see. The person my daughter sees. Was who I could always be.

I have used the word easy a lot in this blog. Except by taking the easy way out. By settling, I think I’ve made things harder on myself.

It’s time to uncross my arms and use my voice again.

It’s time to quit settling as scary as that is.

Much love Mommas

<3 Caprise

That’s A WHO Problem

That’s a WHO problem…

Have you ever been in a situation where someone said to you:

“I don’t like it when you….. (insert here) …..”

“I wish you wouldn’t …. (insert here) ….”

“Why can’t you be more like …..(insert here) ….”

“You make me mad when you….(guess what, yup, insert here)….”

 

When someone disapproves of your actions/words/choices, that is not a YOU problem…. it is a THEM problem.   The fact that they don’t like XXX about you, it is not for you to change to appease them, it is for them to accept XXX about you or go.  Especially if this “(insert here)“  is something that truly makes you, the most amazing & great you.  In fact, if how you act, how you be, what you say, what you wear, etc… if these things upset them, that is on THEM.

Now put the shoe on your foot….if you don’t approve/like/accept something about them… guess what… that is not their problem that you don’t like it, it is a YOU problem.  And same goes for you, you can accept it or you can go.   The fact that you’re not liking it, not approving of it or not wanting to be around it…  is a YOU problem.  An easy way to fix that is to leave the situation, remove yourself from the space and take care of you.

Do you see the separation of who’s problem it is?  You are responsible for you and they are responsible for them.

So the next time someone gets upset with you and goes on and on about something they don’t like about you, you can turn to them and lovingly say “Well now…looks like that’s a you problem isn’t it?” and go be the amazing & great you.

 

xoxo

your God Girl

Tracy

The Proverbial Gut Punch

The proverbial gut punch….

There are certain topics I tread lightly on. Everywhere. Some out of fear, some out of self preservation, some because they are mine alone and if I share them I give them away.

Sometimes though you have to share them. You have to put your misgivings aside, because maybe someone needs to hear what you have going on. Maybe it will help them.

I have been at my current job for almost thirteen years. It was a complete shift. I used to work in Human Resources. I now work with children. I started out as a teacher and have worked my way up and and have been worked out of several leadership roles. In that time we have had four CEO’s. I have switched physical locations at least three times. I am not sure how many times I’ve switched offices. As for bosses… I’ve had quite a few.

More than five less than ten.

With each new boss expectations change. Sometimes my pay and schedule changes. Staff changes. Like I do, I roll with it. As best as I can.

I like my job. I would go so far as to say most days I love it. Except when I don’t.

I am still growing as a leader and I have a lot of work to do and I would like to tell you there haven’t been some things that have made me hold back, but that wouldn’t be true.

I own that. The problem is, I’m now in a place where it’s haunting me. Those fears. 

And I got the proverbial gut punch. You can take that as you will but spoiler alert I’m still employed. 

Which has gotten me to a place where I am looking at myself. At what point did I lose my mojo? At what point did I forget what I am capable of? At what point did I let things weigh me down?

In another life I was the woman that was called upon to resolve conflicts now I avoid them.

I think somewhere along the way I forgot that woman. I started believing the negative talk of others and turned on myself. 

It’s funny I thought I had it together only to find out I still have a long way to go.

I feel like I’m at an impasse right now.  And you know what? While I am definitely having all the range of emotions, maybe this is what I needed. 

That proverbial gut punch wake up call. To get myself together and figure out where my heart is and get my mojo back. 

Much love as always Mamas

<3 Caprise

No Stuffing Please

No stuffing please…

When our hearts are vulnerable or wounded, feeling weak to the temptations around us, hurt from something that brought us to our knees, or just plain old SAD….. This is not the time for stuffing the void with nonsense,  It is not the time to go clothes shopping nor is it the time to peek our nose into the pantry for something delicious.  It is not the time to call an old beau or wallow in self-pity or go for a quick fix.  A false action taken to remove the feeling we are feeling will only mask the upset, and fill the hole temporarily.  Just like a slow leaking drain or a puddle after the rain… the water that was just there will soon be gone.  Oh sure, it can be filled again… but only to empty again.

A more permanent solution…. rather than stuff ourselves up with physical ME pleasure, worldly delicacies and self -loathing we can fill it slowly with kind gestures, positive actions and self-love.

This would be a good time to sit quietly and reflect on what is really going on.  It may be the time to open a journal, the Bible, or that great book on the coffee table.  It may be the time to call a friend, to do something good for ourselves.  Find a new craft to take on, start to bake those amazing cookies for the Christmas Cookie swap, detail your car or learn a new makeup technique from an online video.

It is the time for healing, adornment and wonderfulness.  A time to treat ourselves well.  A time to be good and kind and loving to YOU.

Stuffing is fantastic on Thanksgiving and even better the day after, but stuffing oneself with bad choices which only leave us feeling empty tomorrow… is NOT the way to go.

Choose to fill your heart with the things that bring you joy and sit happily with that.  🙂

 

xoxo

Your God Girl

Tracy

The Choice Is Yours

The Choice Is Yours…

I recall vividly one morning when the phone rang and it was a dear friend of mine…her mother had died unexpectedly in the middle of the night…I just kept saying over and over “Oh my God” and then I started to cry. My friend said she loved me for that…she has a hard time with emotions, and it is difficult for her to ask for help or support…my greatest gift to her has always been to express whatever is there…

I talked with her for a long time and I told her that people would say a lot of different things to her over the next days and weeks…most of it kind but meaningless as the majority of folks can’t handle death and they will do whatever they can to avoid it…those are the people that say things like, “she is in a better place now”. Those of us that have experienced death and not run away from it will tell her the truth…it is horrible, there is nothing more awful, you will have some very dark days and then the shock will fade some and the tears will come less frequently and you will get up and move through your days…you will laugh again and you will be less sad, however there will not be one day that you don’t miss the person you have lost and there will be some days where it seems again unbearable.

In the midst of it all if you are a fully functioning person there will be laughter mixed with your tears, there will be some anger at the loss, some “this isn’t fair” conversations in your head, some doubt of God’s plan…however those of us that have faith in something bigger than ourselves trust that life has a natural order to it and that things happen as they should even if we don’t agree.

Mostly people suffer greatly from a death when they are incomplete with the person that died…when they are still holding a grudge or the last words they had were in anger or they didn’t say that “I love you”…or they didn’t call enough or visit enough…or take time enough to tell people what a gift they are. Those are the undelivered communications that bring you to your knees when someone leaves in an untimely and unexpected fashion. Undelivered communications are what guilt and remorse are made of, I don’t recommend them. I was taught at an early age to be complete in every moment…for some people close to me that means an “I love you” almost every time we speak…I think they tire of that, but I don’t care much because I know that if anything out of the ordinary happens I have delivered my message.

Walking my friend through her initial shock jerked me back to when my grandfather died…that is another reason people don’t deal well with the news of death because it causes them to momentarily relive whatever loss they have experienced and for some folks that is an unbearable thought. People do strange things with death…which is funny because we are all going to leave this planet one day, one way or another…so it seems like there should be less fear and more acceptance.

People might leave this place, however the people that we love are never, ever gone…they are as alive as we make them. My grandfather’s pictures are on my bedroom wall, in my hallway and on my desk…I think of him every day and often I can hear his voice in my head still advising me…and I am confident that he has sent certain people into my life to keep his watch…there are pieces of advice that he gave me that continue to shape my life…so for me he is still very much present.

Granted there are several people that I feel like I couldn’t live without, yet I don’t live in fear of them dying…life has a way of taking care of us if we let it…however we have to let it, which means a certain amount of trust in the process must be present…for many of us this isn’t the case.

Fear comes from thinking thoughts that scare you…you always have a choice…you can choose to think about things that keep you moving forward or you can choose to think about things that stop you.

I highly encourage you to choose to deliver your undelivered communications—unfinished business is bad mojo especially when people die unexpectedly…

Tell people how important they are to you all the time…tell them how they have contributed to you…tell them that you love them…forgive people for whatever harm you think they caused you, walking around holding grudges will only make you sick and depressed…that kind of stuff will suck the life right out of you.

Like it or not folks we are just here for a visit…seems to me we should be filled with gratitude for lives well lived and make the best of it and we should make it our business to make the best of it for other people too…it is always better to give…

XO, LOVE you guys….truly…Noelle

Letting It Go

Letting It Go! I’m taking a lesson from my favorite empowered lady, Elsa. It’s been 7 years and I’m taking my power back. Somehow after I had been divorced, he still found ways to maintain forms on control. In all different ways, refusing to answer me on co-parenting questions, deciding to pay child support not on the due date but whenever he felt like he wanted to, without communicating to me when that would be just stating “You shouldn’t rely on my money”. It didn’t matter how kind I was…. how nicely I worded things. I had to become a bendy straw having to completely bend over backwards to still being treated like disposable trash.

I’m done.

I’m done being hurt.

I’m done bending.

I’m done not being heard.

I’m done not being valued.

I’m done being emotionally manipulated.

I’m done being told what I can and can’t do.

I’m done letting someone who does and means nothing to me control my head space.

I’m done opening myself up to be hoping he will change, to be disappointed constantly.

I’m done hoping he will be more for his children.

I’m done letting him dictate my emotions.

I’m done.

I’m Letting it go.

Letting go of the guilt of how I wanted my children to grow up in their home with their mama every day.

Letting go of how I will never be able to control, help and support his household for my children.

Letting go of the hurt.

Letting go of the constant disappointment.

Letting go of it all.

Now I will embrace the time the kids and I have being thankful for all the memories we have, not the time we don’t have together.

I will value each phone call to the fullest.

I will savor the moments that my house is loud, chaotic, messy and intense, because soon enough they will be at their dads.

I will embrace the nights where they take 5 trips down the stairs refusing to go to bed due to their unquenchable thirst that only began at bed time.

I will cherish the snot filled, or sweaty stinky hugs and kisses.

I will not rush the extra bedtime story.

I will watch attentively as they want to show me their latest creations.

I will be there Mama still 7 days a week, 365 days a year, no matter what, no matter where they go my love will always find them, and nobody can ever change that.

I will never have any bigger accomplishment in live than being their Mama, and having their love.

Stay Positive and Be Kind,

Rah Rah Rachel

Keep It Simple Sweetie(K.I.S.S.)

Keep it simple, Sweetie. When most of us try to move forward, make a change, or start our soul journey, we may tend to over complicate things. We can make things harder than they need to be and leave ourselves in a confused distraught mess. 

Not to long ago I found myself in an anonymous self help group.  I am a co-dependent, my addiction is people and problems. I didn’t know why life and functioning healthily didn’t just click for me, and the majority of the people in my life were addicts and alcoholics, who displayed similar but different dysfunctions as me. 

My overthinking drove me into the ground, I would reach out to others in this group, and they would tell me Keep it simple sweetie, and let go and let god. It was hard for me to understand how could I just let go of this complicated mess ( that I thought I needed to fix most of the time) until realized I was the one making it complicated. I was usually trying to bend the situation or outcome to what I desired it to be. Letting go and keeping it simple helped me keep my head above water.

Other times I found myself going stagnant, I found boat loads of wisdom in the phrase Easy does it, but do it damn it. If it means you have to take a slower pace to work on certain things, that may be pain full so be it as long as you are moving forward, and not getting complacent.

When things turn upside down and i’m not sure which way is up, or things seem just a little too rough I use these two phrases as checks and balances. Am I keeping it simple? Am I continually pushing forward? Am I letting go of the things that aren’t meant for me?

On our journey it is good to keep ways to check and balance ourselves and our path, so that even when we wander we will never be lost.

Learning, Loving, Growing

Ali

How Do I Pick Out Curtains?

Who knew of all the different types of curtains that are available these days… seriously.. .All I know is that now I am picking out these things all by myself. I had rented a house with a million windows and all I needed was curtains. ughh… seems easy doesn’t it.

I spent months in the divorce process and then its final. Where do you start? What do you do with your life now? So many questions running through your head.. For months I had lived in a bubble, just getting through the day and not thinking anything else. What do you do first after your divorce? Many you have never worked or even lived by yourself, but now at age 40 you are on your own. You get to pick out your own curtains or your own furniture. You don’t have to ask anyone’s opinion, which can be exciting and scary at the same time. Or the other side is now you have no one to ask the easy questions too.. I did not know of all the small decisions I would need to make by myself.

I had lived in a bubble for so long. Going through all the emotions and then when the divorce process starts It takes over your life. And once its final, you have to stop and think what do I do now. I think we all get ahead of ourselves and want to build this new life so fast. I think the best advice I can give anyone that is starting over after divorce is to take it slow and learn about yourself. It’s hard for me to remember the days or months right after my divorce, I think I was in such a bubble or daze throughout the process that it’s hard to remember all the changes. It was being on constant autopilot and no time to process the changes that I was going through. We all want to put our kids first and make sure they are happy, however its so important that we are learning to be happy also.

Take time to really learn about what you now want. Some days will really suck, you learn you need to do things all by yourself. You might have never picked out your own curtains, so this is new to you you and it might take you a day to make that decision or it might take you months…either way, it doesn’t matter because you did it. Some days you might want to lay in your robe until 2pm and do nothing, and you can… You can take the time and do what you need. Start figuring out what you want in your life for you.

You might make one decision by yourself and you should celebrate. Something that seems so small might be your biggest accomplishment. Take the wins!!

Snarkydivorcedgal (www.snarkydivorcedgal.com)

My Joy Bank

Growing up…..I never really understood that having joy in my life was an inside job.  I always thought there was something or someone that would fill up me up and bring joy and make my life happier. Something Out There.  LIKE….. delicious food and a fabulous pair of shoes.  A certain weight and a snazzy car.  That job with the big title, oh ya and a handsome boyfriend.  On and on it went.  My list of ‘things to bring me happiness & joy.  Not knowing until now…. 25 years later that it was, and is, and always will be… MY Job to fill MY joy bank.

I sit here today and ask Why didn’t anyone tell me?  I wouldn’t have spent the last 20+ years making so many empty choices.  Choices that didn’t even make a dent in my JOY bank.  But then, in that same breath I realize… Someone probably did tell me…. and I certainly was not listening.   Not only was I not ready to hear it.  I wasn’t ready to give up the life I lived.  The ever so important; vacationing, sun-bathing, partying, hard-working, popular, beautiful life that I lived.  The life that was happy, fun, joyful…..ahhhh… & when it wore off?  I went right back at it.

I can stand here today and think that it was so wasteful.  Now wait a minute…. that’s not true.  I did what I did for whatever reason I did it.  I can say is – I did not know.  If I knew better then, I would have made different choices.  All I can do now…. is choose now.  CHOOSE NOW.  😊  Look for things that bring joy to every day.  The little things, the big things, the simple things, the God things.  Fill my JOY bank myself.  For Myself.

And if someone or something comes along that adds value to my day… well I’ll put that into my Joy bank too.

 

Your God Girl,

Tracy