I get it. Sparkles, rainbows, sprinkles and all that jazz. Sounds dreamy. Is it realistic? Nah. Not even close. BUT – Every single day, if we’re fortunate enough, we get another 24 hours. Another day. Another chance to live and while we do so – in the midst of life’s turbulent waters (struggles, despair, defeat, etc.) we’re looking and searching for “hope”. Hope for better days. Hope for a greater future. Maybe it’s hope for a loved one to have a good medical outcome, for a marriage to be saved that is on the brink of no return, a child to take the right path, or maybe even hope to pay the bills that month. There is ALWAYS hope. I’ll be honest with you… I tend to teeter on the “pessimist” side of life. Consider it erring on the side of caution or being conservative rather than just outright negative – that seems more accurate. Absolutely and without doubt, I have a million and seven things to be grateful for. My two children are healthy and safe. My parents are alive and well. My bills are paid. I have an amazing job that I enjoy going to each and every day. I have some stellar humans that I am lucky and honored enough to be able to call friends and family. The list can go on and on for the things I am surely thankful for. BUT…. (there’s always a “but”) I hope too. Just like everyone else.
I hope to forgive those who have hurt me deeply. I hope to look forward to better days and to move away from past hurts that haunt me daily. I hope to have solid, kind, thoughtful, loving people in my life who care for me and love me the way I deserve to be loved. I hope to be financially stable well into the future and leave behind a legacy both for my children and theirs. I hope I’m being the right Mother to my children, and that they have absorbed “some” of what I’ve tried to teach them along the way. I even hope to not yell at someone in front of me on the freeway driving like an idiot (slight road rage is real, people.)
So, it’s true. While I breathe, I hope. There. I admit it. You got me.
I guess I’m no mystical unicorn after all.
I’ve been taught and told that God “always” answers our prayers, even if the answer is simply “no”. I get the context, but it’s not something that has ever sat well within me. I have felt at times (more than I care to admit) that I’m forever being told “no” like a toddler trying to have yet another juice box. It angers me at times because I feel like I’ve done the right things, been the right person, stood my ground, and made concessions when necessary (even if I maybe didn’t wholeheartedly agree). So – why almost every time, for whatever it may be – I’m told “no”? This, I cannot answer – but what I can say is this… Eventually some of your “Why no to this?” questions do get answered. You will sometimes blatantly see why you were told no in the midst of something you thought you wanted so desperately. Sometimes not. In those times you just sit in the unknown of it, “hoping” that one day, down the road somewhere, it will all make sense.
Does it deter me from hoping? Sure. Sometimes. Who wouldn’t get worn down after repeatedly being told what you’re hoping for just won’t be happening anytime soon, if ever? The point I’m trying to make here is – eventually, you continue to hope, whether you want to or not – it’s like it auto-magically just happens and then all of a sudden you catch yourself hoping and you’re like “Dang it! I wasn’t going to do that again!”. You pick it back up and continue to carry on, because in all fair honesty, we “hope” for things to change.
I don’t know what all of you are hoping for. My words may not give you any substance and they may or may not be a complete waste of your time. However, I “hope” not. While I put on a brave face daily to face the world and it’s uncertainties….
Dum Spiro Spero.