Tag Archives: boundaries

Keeping The Drama Out Of Your Life

How do you keep the boundaries set that you have spent years putting into place?   How do you constantly not get pulled into the drama of someone’s life?  I have spent the last few years of my life, setting boundaries with my ex husband.  This has made my life much easier and less stressful. There have been less engaged discussions or one sided arguments due to the boundaries that I have created.  I have kept communication limited  to keep my life moving forward.  These boundaries were set to move forward with my life and children.

I feel that my life has flourished over the last 5 years.  Yes, I have had many ups and downs, but I have pushed through them.  I enjoy my life now and I have worked hard to get to this place.  My kids and I have experienced many challenges and somehow gotten through it.  We have created this comfortable and fun life for ourselves.

As I continue to move forward, I feel that others in my life are still stuck at times.  Yes, this is my interpretation, however I set many boundaries to keep all of the added conflict, drama, and arguments out of my life.  This has been a constant challenge. I feel like I’m just walking down my own path, trying new things, and learning about myself… and then all of a sudden I am constantly blindsided by something from my ex’s life.

Some parents have great co parenting relationships, but my ex and I  just don’t.  I have written about our co-parenting challenges and how it does not always work. So as I am moving forward,  I have to constantly ignore the drama from the other side.  This is a struggle.  There are so many times that I want to ask my kids what is going on at dads, but I have to remember that it will only lead to problems.  I do not need to hear about the fighting at dads, the finances, what they eat for dinner, or what he says about my life.

I have learned to not ask my kids about their time at dad’s house.  As kids they do love to volunteer the information freely, so I am constantly reminding myself that it is no concern of mine.  My kids are very comfortable with me, so unfortunately I usually hear everything.   I do not offer my advice to my ex on things that my kids tell me, so freely.  I do not ask questions about his life.  I also need to remember that the things I hear from my kids is their perception and it is not always as how it happened…

I am trying for us both to live as separate of lives as possible, but share 3 kids. In trying to stay out of the drama of his life, I have had to learn to say no to him.  I will help my ex with the kids as much as possible, until it interferes with my life.  I also have a life that is just as important.

In the past, I would have taken the kids at a drop of the hat, if something came up in his life.  I would have changed my work schedule to accommodate his schedule.  I would have backed out of plans with friends to help him, just because I thought it was for the kids.  I thought that was what good moms do… Saying yes did not make me a good mom.  Because in the end, I am the mom that would do anything for her kids, so this is really tough.

I am slowly realizing that he needs to figure this out.  Yes, I do help many times, but I can not always be available.  He will assume at times that I can help him out and I am learning to say no.  Over the years,  I have learned to find solutions to my own conflicts with my kids. I have found carpools and friends to help me out when I needed help.

Keeping the drama out of my life has let me move forward… I am not stuck in my old life.  I have a new life that I created and I continue to focus on that.  I let him figure out how to handle his life and situations.  I do not add my advice or input.  I just go along my own path learning to say no more often, keeping the boundaries, and ignoring the drama.

-Snarky

https://www.snarkydivorcedgirl.com/

What Google Doesn’t Tell You About Divorce

I wish I would have had some insight on the entire process before I started my divorce, but I didn’t.  Yes, you can research and google the entire divorce process, however there are many things google can not tell you.

What I wish I would have known…

#1 -If you have kids together, your ex will probably always be in the picture…I wish I would have known that my ex would never go away…I was naive and thought once I was divorced, he would go away. False. I thought that I would be able to just move on with my life and be happy.. hahaha. So false.  And by go away, I thought that we would not have much contact. I guess I never thought about all the communication would still need to have regarding the kids.

Once we were divorced he wanted an input in every decision. We share 50/50 custody with 3 kids so we do have constant contact,  I did most of the decision making and parenting when we were married and now he wanted an input on everything. This was a challenge for me.. from bedtimes, to church, to sports, to school clothes.. he wanted to add his opinion into everything.  I had to really adjust to his input and it was hard.  I didn’t understand why he now wanted to have an input in the kid decisions.

You might start the process out being amicable, however it can change throughout.  There are so many decisions that need to be made.  Now we had children, so there was a lot to decide.  I did not realize how much we would still need to be in contact.

So how do you keep your ex out of your life as much as possible and move on..Set boundaries.  The more boundaries that are set from the beginning, the easier life is for everyone involved.  This included the form of communication we used to dropping off items for the children.  Anything that makes you feel uncomfortable, I would begin to set a boundary or make it a discussion.

#2 -Children Adjust-I spent years worrying about how my children would handle our divorce.. Would our divorce ruin them for life? False. Truth is they were more grown up and understanding than some adults. Each one of them has had their hard times, however most of the trouble has been from different parenting styles and additional people now included.

How did we make the transition as smooth as possible?  Having a set schedule and routine from the beginning will help them adjust. We have had the same schedule for most of our 5 years of divorce.  I fought to not go week to week because my son was still very young and I knew it would not be good for either parent.   One summer, I agreed to go week to week for 3 months. It was the worst decision, my son had a hard time adjusting to the new routine. He would call and cry during the week because he missed me and he would count the days until he saw me.  After that, we went back to our normal routine and I learned that was the best for my children.

Set a schedule from the beginning and stick with it. It makes it easier on the children and everyone involved. My kids always know where they will be and when. We also do monthly calendars and I put them up so my kids know where they will be at all times.  

#3 -Get a good lawyer-Pay the money…Get a good lawyer with references and be thorough. get the best lawyer you can afford. One that has referrals from clients with the similar situation as yours.  Ask anyone in the area that is divorced.  Be as detailed in your divorce as possible. Include hours, dates, summer schedule, right of refusal, holidays, school expenses, health, medicine, college, etc.  I did not have a good lawyer in the beginning, and in the last 5 years my ex and I have gone back to mediation and court several times. This is very stressful, expensive, and affects your entire life moving forward.

It’s hard to move on with life, if you are going back to court and re-evaluating it over and over.  It’s important to set all the details with the children in the beginning.  I should have thought through all these questions before we got into our divorce. Like are you going to rotate Halloween or stick to the normal schedule… who will pay for school lunches… who will pay for special events … all of these questions will come up.  There are so many areas that will need to be included in your decree.  Do your homework and make a list.  After being divorced for 5 years and my kids continue to grow, there are many additional topics that need to be addressed.   Think about your kids in 5 years and what will be important in the future.  The more information that is included in your decree from the start the easier your life will be.  That is a guarantee!!

#4-You will have an adjustment period with your friends.. Your friends might change throughout the process.  The true friends will stick with you..but your life will have many changes.   Throughout your divorce your friends may come and go.. It is hard to know. I would prepare yourself that some friends may not be able to stay in your life due to the situation.

My friends were great throughout my divorce, however there is always going to be ones that you feel more comfortable talking about the emotions and feelings that you are experiencing.   It was also hard to explain the legal process.  It was also hard to ask for advice from individuals that did not have any experience in divorce..

However, Since my divorce my friend circle has changed. I have met some divorced moms that are a great support for me.   These are the ones I can hang out with on my non kid weekends.  These are the friends that I can rant to about my ex.  They get what I am experiencing and can show support.   I love all my friends, but some will just get it more than others. Thats just the truth.

I had days where I wanted to talk to people and others that I did not.  I was always so tired of telling my “story” I just wanted to have a normal conversation with someone I ran into or met for drinks.  If you dont’ feel like talking, then do not.  There is so much more to your life than just your divorce.

I know I have blogged in the past about friendships through divorce, but with life changes sometimes your friends will change.

#5-Be patient with yourself and the process… I thought that once the divorce was finalized everything would be finished.  During the actual year of my divorce, I was so concentrated on finalizing all those details that I did not concentrate on much else.  Once It was finalized, It took a long time to feel normal and content.  I honestly felt like I was living in a bubble that entire year.  When I first got divorced, people would say give it “5 years” and I thought they were crazy.  But here I am  and yes for me it took 5 years.   It took me 5 years to feel so normal and content with my life.

Be patient with all the changes.  Take it slowly and do not rush into anything.  My kids and I have made lots of adjustments to our life over the last few years.  Remember It’s a start to a new life… I love all the changes that I have made but it does take time…

-Snarky

https://www.snarkydivorcedgirl.com/blog

Eat The Cake

Eat The Cake…

My last couple blogs I have put my heart on a platter. I have done something I am incredibly uncomfortable doing. Shared. Intimate pieces of my life.

And I’m about to share some more…

This time it’s the other side of me.

Because, the next time I sit down to write one of these. I will officially be a year older.

I will be forty eight in fact. Two more years and I hit the big fifty.

I get teased because I don’t hate Birthdays. I relish them actually, not that I really do anything over the top to celebrate. I think maybe a few years ago I did. It’s usually pretty peaceful. Something involving yummy food and my daughter. If I’m lucky cake. If I’m really lucky an adult beverage.

To me, each year is my reminder that I accomplished something I was told I couldn’t. I was a preemie and have a congenital heart condition.  My whole life I have been told “someone with your condition won’t.” Then I do.

There is a fantastic quote and I’m paraphrasing “when someone tells you no. Do it twice and take pictures.”

As scary as it can be. I have been working really hard at living my life that way.

From little things like  changing my hair. Getting my nose pierced.

Going to concerts for bands I would normally never go to. I’ll explain… I’m a punk, pop lady who found herself not too long ago with a bunch of her favorites at a metal concert. By the way, I had a blast.

To big things. Who I spend my time with.  Rebuilding my financial future.

Life is precious, it’s ok to push boundaries and sometimes step outside of your box.

I have also strongly started embracing who I am.

Painting, reading, embroidery. Yup… I love embroidery. I joke with my person that  I am a Golden Girl in training .

I have an unhealthy obsession with tacos. I am on a quest for the perfect mascara. At almost 48 I’ve started goofing with fake eyelashes and winged eyeliner because I’ve always wanted to.

That’s my point…

Embrace those things that make you – YOU, but don’t be afraid to do something that maybe you wouldn’t normally.

Eat the cake

Wear those fabulous earrings

Stay in

Go out

By the special creamer for your coffee

In the infamous words of my favorite rockstar “ I’m learnin’ to walk again. I believe I’ve waited long enough.”

My dream for my future is a beautiful velour track suit, a pair of gorgeous prescription sunglasses driving a golf cart around a senior home by the ocean with my grandchildren giggling  by my side. It’s a future at one point I was told I couldn’t have.

Mommas we are allowed to be more or stay exactly as we are. That’s the wonderful gift that each birthday gives us. A yearly celebration of who we are.

Amazing Mommas

 

<3 Caprise

Building Some Fences

As I was getting ready to write this I went to our page and saw this quote from Brene Brown:

“Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others.”

This quote hit my chest hard. If I’m being truthful I’m fighting tears as I write this. I have mentioned July was ugly. That damn suitcase I put under my bed keeps sliding closer to the edge.

My hardest month as I’m now going to refer to July has made me rethink what I need. As well as what I give out.

Because if I’m being honest, I am not the greatest friend. It’s not on purpose. But sometimes for me, it’s easier to run than face things head on. Or hold it all in until it’s Saturday night and I’m alone watching a TV show and a random scene makes me cry.

I struggle balancing everything.

I struggle asking for what I need.

I struggle with the fact I can’t be everything to everyone.

I feel like I let everyone down. Except that is not true.

I feel like I am not good enough. That is not true either.

So … over the last few weeks I have been setting boundaries. Which as the lady who has built a wall around herself was actually harder than you’d think. Fences as I am going to call these boundaries,you can see through. Walls don’t show you the reaction on the other side.

I have been speaking up.

Reaching out.

Setting dates.

Working really hard and this one is tough for me- to not compare myself to others. Exit from negative talk. Negative situations.

Put my phone down.

Listen to music.

Say yes

Say no

Explain

Or don’t

Tell people I care.

Try not to be so worried, afraid…

I have survived so much. I’m not sure why I seem to forget that. The irony of this is I had someone recently ask me how I am able to keep so calm in stressful situations. I think maybe I’ve just been faking it really well. No more faking. I’m setting those boundaries.

Mommas it’s ok to set boundaries. It’s ok to show yourself the love you show others. It’s ok to struggle. All of those things in your suitcase under your bed… they have made you the amazing person you are.

You may add to it.

You might pull it out and look through it.

Or maybe it will finally collect dust.

Regardless much love Mommas.

I got put a suitcase away and build some more fences.

<3

Caprise