Tag Archives: be yourself

Today Is The Day

My last blog I wrote about how hard the month of October is for me. As I write this, it’s the day after the day. I’m not a hundred percent what to refer to IT as. The day my marriage ended?

I mentioned it before I recognize my ex husband was not my person. But I still feel like I failed him and my daughter.

Believe it or not that is not entirely what this blog is about. It’s about how I remind myself what I did is the right thing. For the record it garners me some serious heat and it started seven years ago.  Selfies.

It may be easy to assume and MANY do but they are my reminders.  I survived, I am growing. I made it. I am becoming who I was. Who I was meant to be. They remind me that him yelling at me is not ok. He did that and since we co- parent or try to… still does.

Initially I did like people’s reactions to my selfies especially when I started losing weight or getting a new tattoo, but when I have a run in with my ex husband it was good to look at these pictures and see who I am becoming. To remind me -him yelling at me is not ok, and that it’s definitely not now.

When we were together compliments were rare. As someone who has struggled with my appearance it hurt even my partner couldn’t give me a simple one. Instead it was lots of criticism in regards to how I looked and eventually that worked its way into other parts of our lives. Emotional abuse is something Mommas. I am working my way slowly toward being able to share more about that, but for now, I’ll just say and some of you, sadly lots of you … know. It’s something. Something not good. And hard to come back from.

When we met I wore fun clothes and did crazy things to my hair. I had just started adding on to the few tattoos and piercings I had, when I left my ex husband I  was incredibly overweight, gone was the fun hair, fun clothes and my fun spirit.

Hear me when I say this. I am not saying that appearance is important. But I am an artistic person, I express myself through my hair, my clothes, how I look. That was taken away. All the things that made me, me, I was encouraged to put in a box. Ironically not so for him. My ex husband loves Leggos and Star Wars and The Simpsons. Thanks to me he has oodles of T-shirts that let you know that. That he still wears.

During a recent conversation with my favorite aunt she said to me “I hope you’re keeping those things on your heart for later.” All the things I can’t write or say that I lost. I am, in a picture. A silly selfie. That tends to drive people bananas, but it’s not for them. It’s for me. To remind me I made it. I am making it. I survived, I am surviving. I grew. I am growing. I am moving past it. Or trying really, really hard to. I am taking parts of the old me back and starting to become the person I have always wanted to be.

 

Be kind to yourselves Momma. None of this is easy. But when it gets tough, remember who you are- a Mom and that is pretty badass.

 

<3 Caprise

Punk Prom

As I’m writing this I’m also celebrating the year milestone of meeting my celebrity crush. A certain punk icon turned writer, actor, and speaker.

Up until meeting him I tried and failed several times to get him to be on my radio show when he was in the area.

Always I received a polite email from his manager that his schedule prevented him from doing so.

I’m gonna be honest, I volunteer at a community radio station. I don’t think I’m a high priority for any musician when they’re in town. But that doesn’t stop me from asking.

I always ask.

I almost always hear no.

And… I’m ok with that.

So… when said punk icon was coming to speak nearby- I bought tickets and made a weekend of it. Two nights before the event I received an email that because I bought premium seats I was also invited to a meet and greet.

Yup… it was happening.

The meet and greet was only a half hour and there were a whole lot of guidelines to follow.

Of the folks in the room I’m here to say I was not like the others and was uncomfortably aware. However, I promised myself I was going to be me.

Before you went up to meet said icon his manager reminds you of the rules.

I smiled and shook my head.

My turn came and it was surreal. It was kind of crazy that voice.

We argued a bit about a song he wrote.

Then it was time to take the picture…

I asked him if we could do something different.

He said he would try.

Could we do a prom pose?

This very serious man got the biggest grin.

He was all in.

Afterwards we talked some more and he waved at us when he got on stage that night.

Later that week I sent him an email with the picture thanking him.

A few more emails. Some incredible advice and from this whole experience I gained this…

It is incredibly easy to not be you. It is incredibly easy to be so afraid of no, you never ask. It is incredibly easy ESPECIALLY with social media to buy into all the things everyone thinks you shouldn’t be.

To buy into all the things you shouldn’t do.

We all do it.

But if I hadn’t been unapologetically myself… well, for starters I wouldn’t have gotten to take a prom pose picture with Henry Rollins.

I wouldn’t be writing this blog

I wouldn’t be going to California at the end of May- my first trip without my daughter. She’s eleven (!)

Every day I have to remind myself.

Don’t listen to the static.

And I’m gonna remind you right now Mommas… you are fantastic. You are amazing. You are all that and a bag of chips.

You are not free salsa. You are guacamole Mommas. GUACAMOLE!

<3 Caprise

Red Lipstick…

I used to wear red lipstick more. I used to be more fearless and less worried about what other people thought about me. I used to feel like I had game…a lot more game then I feel like I have right now. Things happen, marriages don’t work out and people that you counted on betray and disappoint you and it wears on you, you retract a little bit from who you were and then a little bit more.
Then you wake up one day and you think “who am I now?”—I can’t go back because I am not ‘that’ girl anymore, I know too much, I have seen too much and I have walked through too much.
So, you are no longer the girl of the past and you are not the lady that was stuck in situations that weren’t working, you can now pay for yourself, call your own shots and make your own decisions. You have a teenager, you have important jobs, you help people and yet you don’t stop much to think about what you need…because if you did you might not like the answers that you came up with.
Your best friend since 7th grade reminds you how crazy and fearless you both used to be and you think what happened to those girls? Perhaps this is a chronic question for a woman in her later 40’s—who am I now? Who do I want to be and what do I want in the next half of my life and what will I need to give up or change to get there.
The one constant, the one thing that never lets me down is my Faith in GOD, in something bigger and smarter than me that has saved my ass countless times…saved me from my stupidity and my ignorance. Thank God.
The only thing stopping us from being more and doing more is us…I think I will go buy some red lipstick and I think you should do the same. We can make the next half of our lives whatever we want it to be, we are past having to accept things that are unacceptable and we are past putting up with people that don’t treat us correctly. We might not be ‘that’ girl anymore, yet it will be fun to see what women we turn out to be…so put your red lipstick on and let’s figure it out together…