My last blog I wrote about how hard the month of October is for me. As I write this, it’s the day after the day. I’m not a hundred percent what to refer to IT as. The day my marriage ended?
I mentioned it before I recognize my ex husband was not my person. But I still feel like I failed him and my daughter.
Believe it or not that is not entirely what this blog is about. It’s about how I remind myself what I did is the right thing. For the record it garners me some serious heat and it started seven years ago. Selfies.
It may be easy to assume and MANY do but they are my reminders. I survived, I am growing. I made it. I am becoming who I was. Who I was meant to be. They remind me that him yelling at me is not ok. He did that and since we co- parent or try to… still does.
Initially I did like people’s reactions to my selfies especially when I started losing weight or getting a new tattoo, but when I have a run in with my ex husband it was good to look at these pictures and see who I am becoming. To remind me -him yelling at me is not ok, and that it’s definitely not now.
When we were together compliments were rare. As someone who has struggled with my appearance it hurt even my partner couldn’t give me a simple one. Instead it was lots of criticism in regards to how I looked and eventually that worked its way into other parts of our lives. Emotional abuse is something Mommas. I am working my way slowly toward being able to share more about that, but for now, I’ll just say and some of you, sadly lots of you … know. It’s something. Something not good. And hard to come back from.
When we met I wore fun clothes and did crazy things to my hair. I had just started adding on to the few tattoos and piercings I had, when I left my ex husband I was incredibly overweight, gone was the fun hair, fun clothes and my fun spirit.
Hear me when I say this. I am not saying that appearance is important. But I am an artistic person, I express myself through my hair, my clothes, how I look. That was taken away. All the things that made me, me, I was encouraged to put in a box. Ironically not so for him. My ex husband loves Leggos and Star Wars and The Simpsons. Thanks to me he has oodles of T-shirts that let you know that. That he still wears.
During a recent conversation with my favorite aunt she said to me “I hope you’re keeping those things on your heart for later.” All the things I can’t write or say that I lost. I am, in a picture. A silly selfie. That tends to drive people bananas, but it’s not for them. It’s for me. To remind me I made it. I am making it. I survived, I am surviving. I grew. I am growing. I am moving past it. Or trying really, really hard to. I am taking parts of the old me back and starting to become the person I have always wanted to be.
Be kind to yourselves Momma. None of this is easy. But when it gets tough, remember who you are- a Mom and that is pretty badass.