Tag Archives: angry

I Wondered..Why Me?

I Wondered..Why Me?

I found myself yelling up at God.  Pointing up to the ceiling …. “YOU!  You did this!” “How could You?!” and in the next breath, with tears running down my face, “Why God, Why?”   There’s my boyfriend who had just taken his life and here I stood.

Devastated.

Confused.

Angry.

My heart ached.

My tears fell.

My soul hurt.

And nothing made sense.

I knew, like I KNEW, that God had put us together. There is no way I would have met this man otherwise.  My prayers were answered when he came into my life.  It was a miracle.  That’s all I can say.  A miracle.  So WHY?  WHY oh WHY would God have this happen?  I had no answers.

What seemed like hours …were only minutes.   I stood there yelling to the heavens.  Pointing up, still.  I continued to question God, to yell at God.  The God of the Universe.  The God of ALL.  The God who knew far more about me and my life than I could possibly ever know or thought that I already did know.  And I was yelling at Him?  “Why ME?  You knew I was coming!”  I shouted.  “You knew I would find him!  You picked me to find him.”  “WHY!?”

I was furious.  Furious that my boyfriend died.  Furious that here I was all alone.  Furious that God picked me to find him.  If God knows all… well then He knew I was going to be there that day, right?  Then He picked me, right?   Tears.   Anguish.  Upset.

And just as fast as a flash of lightning hits a flagpole. I was struck by the Holy Spirit.  My crying changed from tears of maddening rage to honorable blessing.  God picked ME.  ME!  He picked ME!  A powerful chill ran through my bones.  I was God’s miracle in David’s life….his channel of love.  I was picked because I was the one who would take care of it all.   I was God’s Warrior.

I had a sense of gratitude.  Don’t you see…. Why Not Me?  Out of the people who could have loved this man, out of the people who could have honored this man, out of the people who could have made a difference in this man’s life and who would turn this tragedy into something good.  God picked ME.  Why Me?  Oh darling…. Why Not Me?

Your God Girl,

Tracy

Being Blind With Anger

I have been angry, upset, disappointed, confused and so much more the last few weeks. I haven’t blogged as of lately, and my last few blog posts have been a lot of complaining! That is generally NOT me! Days and days of just being miserable and bitchy…and then BLAM! It all happened so quickly, in 8 days to be exact, my husband’s best friend, who also happens to be his brother, went to the Emergency room with an excruciating stomachache and thought maybe he was having gallstones or something to that degree. Instead-he found out he is suffering from a very rare form of lymphoma. Although, I guess he doesn’t know this yet. It just depends on what he can hear us talking about  while he’s under sedation. We saw him Friday, sat at the hospital & visited with him a better part of the day-he was to go in Saturday morning for a quick procedure and he hasn’t been awake since. Medically induced-but holy it went downhill fast! We have received very little good news since then and most of the news we have received has been horrible. I guess what can go wrong has gone wrong. My husband has spent the last few days holding together his family(brothers, sister, sister-in-laws, nephews) and I have spent the last few days trying to hold him together, he’s exhausted and I am exhausted for him. He has lost a sister, his mother and his father all within the last 3-5 years. He is scared and he is PISSED off! He is ever so angry. It’s one of those things where I cannot love him enough to love it away. I feel helpless, he feels helpless.

We’ve had this discussion quite a bit over the last few days about why children, good people, kind people, loving people suffer such tragedies like this! His brother happens to be one of the best people I know-he and my husband are cut from the EXACT same cloth. We question why him?-why do crappy, mean, sinister, cold-hearted people get a “Free” pass?  Why can’t these diseases be the hell on earth that THEY deserve…not my brother in law!

I know-there is a bigger plan, a lesson to be learned from all of this-and I am not to question it. And I truly try not to, but it is rather difficult. I hope this lesson-plan is a BIG meaningful one.

What I have seen and what I do know is that there are so many beautiful people in this world! I often begin to lose Faith in humanity and the lack of respect and kindness. But it never, ever ceases to amaze me the words, prayers, gestures, and love that is felt in times like these. And maybe that is the lesson, to remind people how to be compassionate and kind to one another. Not to sweat the small stuff and to be angry over those things.

Please say prayers for my brother in law and our family.

Love to All-Kim

 

I Never Forgot When Someone Told Me This

“Write something that someone told you about yourself that you never forgot.”

Day 2 of the 30 Day Writing Challenge:

I have been told plenty of things by others about myself, most of them transparent and generic. Kind words but probably not genuine. The things you’re suppose to say in certain situations. I am guilty of doing that as well.

There is one person in particular who has always told me that he believes in me. I am a vocal, independent woman who has had some made for tv moments and years in my life. I have been beaten down, broken, spiteful, bitter and angry. I have huge shoulders and carry a lot of personal weight and responsibility for others in my life and sometimes I just need a turn and need the support of someone too. He often tells me he believes in me and that is just enough to get me back where I need to be. I believe him, I know he does, and I also know that If I fail or fall he will still believe in me. He believes in the person that I am and the person that I strive to be. He is genuine and shows it daily. He is not generic and transparent and he proves this every day. And the reason I believe him is because he is here with me through every good and bad moments of mine, accepts that those moments are his too and we share the excitement, pain, sadness, and joy together. He believes in me and I believe in him. I will never forget. His constant belief in me has helped me believe in myself.

Love to All-Kim

 

 

Words Do Matter-Choose Them Wisely

WORDS MATTER

Ok guys the blog is back with The Daily Discussion….So here we go…I was just cleaning out some boxes in the basement and I came across some old correspondence.  Reading it I was moved to discuss with you that words matter.   Going through those things and seeing what was written there and then knowing how things turned out and thinking about really who was responsible for what so many years ago…

Way back there in the heat of horrible moments it was easy to blame others for what was happening, yet years later in my basement, in another state, in what feels like another of my 9 lives, I am remembering the things that I said that contributed to the actions of others.  I was told again and again “words MATTER” and I would push it off claiming that I was Italian and that my whole family would run off at the mouth in emotional outbursts and not mean anything they uttered.  That was my excuse to say horrendous things, hurtful things….really just awful things.  I treated it as no big deal, however looking back now I see how my words set-up the roadway of how it all turned out.   I believe it all transpired as it was meant to in the end, however I think that the ending would have been kinder and more civilized if my many words had not paved the road as they did.

Also looking back over my 48 years right now I can remember certain words that were said to me that stuck with me all this time.  Some of them were life-giving and some of them were quite unkind—I remember them though, I remember which people said them and where we were at the time and how they made me feel…years and years later…I remember them…

Bottom-line is WORDS MATTER, they either bring life and love or they break down and destroy, it is up to you what your words will do.  I highly recommend that we all think BEFORE we speak, that when we are really angry and reactive  we walk away for awhile, rather than speak out loud something that we cannot take back.  Once it’s out of your mouth, it’s OUT THERE…so make sure it is something that you will want someone to remember years later…

I realize we all have disagreements and differences of opinion and that isn’t what I am asking you to quell.  I am talking about when we are completely off the hook, reacting —in those moments hold your tongue, go away and calm down and then speak.  It is a far better thing.

Words DO matter, use yours wisely.

Here are some great quotes about the power of words:

https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/tag/power-of-words