Tag Archives: anger

Brick Wall

The wall around my heart was built over decades. It was built with tears of frustration from not knowing what I did wrong.   It was built in my own blood to try to stop the emotional pain. It was built in fits of anger to block your words.  It was built with fear to avoid more damage from attacks. It was built to keep in my feelings because so many said they weren’t important.  It was built by my demons who told me I was unworthy so you might as well hide. It has been built by my warrior to protect me and ensure my heart would not shatter into a million pieces.

The wall has served its purpose for so very long. The wall has blocked so many attacks from people who said they loved me. The wall has protected me from the storms of anger that in the end were not about me.The wall has deflected the punches that were meant to knock me out. The wall has stood strong in the face of the demons who wanted me to stay down. The wall has given my warrior a safe place to regain her strength when needed. The wall has served its purpose and now it is time to start removing those bricks.

It is time to tear it down. It is time to be free of those bricks with their painful memories. It is time stand on top of the smashed bricks and be proud of all I have overcome. It is time to stand in front of the it, because I know I have the strength to fight back if needed. It is time for the demons to know that I am no longer afraid of them. It is time for the warrior to take on the world. It is time to trust. It is time to let down my guard and maybe, just maybe fall in love with someone who deserves me.  It is time to be free from the confines of my brick wall. It is time.

 

~ Kellie

Working each day to be the warrior and leader I know is within me. You can follow me at https://wordpress.com/view/leaderofthepacks.blog

 

I Will Take It Minute By Minute

I Will Take It Minute by Minute…

A little history before you read this post. I wrote this shortly after my husband and I separated. We had a long and turbulent marriage. I was married for 12 years and we have 3 beautiful children. During those years I dealt with some physical abuse from my husband…infidelity on my husband’s part…drugs and drinking on my husband’s part…emotional abuse from my husband…the list goes on. That is not to say I was perfect but Lord how I tried to make it work.  It has been over a year now and I am happy to say that I am at a much better place!

The sadness I felt and often still feel is overwhelming. There is no other way to describe it.Some days takes everything I have to put one foot in front of the other. It takes every ounce of energy to get up…to get dressed…to eat…to be a mom…to care. I am not sure many people truly understand. After being married for so long…even though my children are with me…it is a very lonely feeling. Even though we had so many bad times, there were also good times. I just kept hoping the good times would win out. There are still just some days I feel like I am drowning with no way out.

Minute by Minute…

It is so hard to look at social media because my life is certainly not what I pictured it to be right now. My husband and I attended church together and I feel like I have been alienated by the church and community. I am in survival mode.

How can I do it all?

Only God knows how.

I am not going to make it without Him. I find myself turning to Him so much. God and my babies. Some days I am not sure how I get through them. I am not the person I want to be. I feel like I have never been good enough for my husband or his family. I feel abandoned by everyone. Am I that bad of a person that I don’t deserve something good? If it wasn’t for my children I don’t think I would even care. The hurt is just a lot. Lord help me climb out of whatever I am in.

There are so many questions about my future and my children’s future. So much uncertainty. So much fear of the future. I am so sad…so hurt. Still so hurt. Even though I made this decision (which I believe in my heart to be the right decision) it doesn’t make it any easier. Do I just feel too much? Can we fast forward to the easier part? Please oh please? Did I mean nothing to my husband? Does he not hurt? Does he not care? Did he ever care? He has hurt me so many times. What do I do? I pray…I get up every day and do it all again.

Minute by Minute…

I worry how this affects my kids. Will they be okay? I want something. I want someone to love me. To actually care about me. I want someone who wants to protect me instead of hurt me. Is that too much to ask for? Where will I be in a year? Where will I live? Will my kids understand why I did what I did? Will they blame me then like I feel they do now?

My reality is certainly not as bad as some…but it is my reality. Doesn’t make it any easier. Things could always be worse.

So here I am living on my faith…doing the best I can (trying) and waiting for the day things will get better. They will get better. Surviving the hard times is the hard part! Praying I can make it until then. Praying I will be worthy one day. Worthy as a Christian, as a mom, as a partner for someone who will be worthy of me!

Day by day is too much.

I will be taking it minute by minute.

~Ann~

In Case I Never See You Again…

How many of us conduct ourselves based on the phrase above?  I would venture to say very few.  We all think that there is plenty of time and plenty of opportunity to fix whatever isn’t working… in a relationship, in a job, with a parent, in a living situation…and so we say things to ourselves like “I will make concessions and settle for less than excellence today because I can do something about it tomorrow”, “I will stay here with him or her today because it is comfortable and easier and less confrontational and later I will experience real intimacy and real joy”, “I will hold onto my animosity and anger for you today because later on I will tell you how I really feel and we will make things right”, “I will withhold my heart from you today because you might hurt me and so I will not share my deepest love with you right now because I will do it later on when it seems safer”…and on and on and on……we don’t really look at things saying “in case I never see you again…”

The Christmas Season is coming up fast and so I wanted you to start thinking about how you could make it better…as often it is a time of dread and stress due to unresolved issues in relationships and things left unsaid from seasons long past…

Imagine with me for a moment that there was only today…what would not be acceptable to you then?  If there was only today would you waste one, single second withholding yourself or making concessions for unacceptable behavior or putting up with no results???    Would you???

Or would you throw caution to the wind and change some things…would you forgive some people, would you repair some relationships, would you get rid of things that didn’t work, would you love like your life depended on it???

Do you know that death is unbearable only when you have unfinished business with the people that died…do you understand that living also becomes unbearable when there is loads of unfinished business and a plethora of words unspoken?

In case I never see you again, what must I say to you right now in this moment to be complete?   What a different life we would have if we were complete in every moment…how that would change us…

Most of us are saving stuff for the right moment…the right moment is now…the world is an interesting place these days….funky people are doing crazy things and that requires some of us to remind others of us to stop waiting for the “right” moment—live your life RIGHT NOW…stop putting up with people and things that don’t work, stop withholding yourself from other people, stop killing your vitality and joy with undelivered communications and unexpressed anger…you think that nobody notices because you are being “nice” instead of being REAL…authenticity is what gives life and sometimes being authentic is very unattractive, however it is real and it is true and it is life altering…

Do you remember the Velveteen Rabbit…only when he was a mess and all his fur was gone and his stuffing was coming out, only then did he become “REAL”…

Real life and real love are messy folks…you have to roll up your sleeves and delve in…authentic is getting all the way in and being real all the way through…sometimes it feels great and sometimes not so great, but all the way along you feel alive…you have to get in there and mix it up—stop looking in from the sidelines waiting for the right moment to live.

It’s like the difference between mixing meatballs with a spoon because you don’t want to get “ all messy” and mixing meatballs with your hands…sleeves rolled up, rings off and you just dig into the bowl and mix it and then you shape the meatballs with your hands…

Careful, brittle people mix things with spoons, they shape meatballs with spoons…they don’t want to get dirty or sticky or messy and those people’s meatballs have dry spots and they don’t taste good because they carry the flavor of a person with an inability to fully experience life…NEWS FLASH : real life is messy, it’s fun, it’s heartbreaking, you can get dirty and broken and you can also experience true, profound JOY…

Live your life folks, mix things with your hands, get in there and roll up your sleeves…another holiday is coming, another year…will you be joyful this Christmas?  Will you be complete in every moment with the people that you love and even those you don’t?  Will you ask yourself what would I say now to this person in case I never see them again?

You would be such a gift this holiday season if you lived like that…instead of being stressed and pissed and harried, what if you were gracious and grateful and complete?  What a gift you would be to yourself…undelivered communications are what make us sick and tired and unparticipatory…

YOU be the GIFT this Christmas Season and love people like your life depended on it because it does…

 

 

Words Do Matter-Choose Them Wisely

WORDS MATTER

Ok guys the blog is back with The Daily Discussion….So here we go…I was just cleaning out some boxes in the basement and I came across some old correspondence.  Reading it I was moved to discuss with you that words matter.   Going through those things and seeing what was written there and then knowing how things turned out and thinking about really who was responsible for what so many years ago…

Way back there in the heat of horrible moments it was easy to blame others for what was happening, yet years later in my basement, in another state, in what feels like another of my 9 lives, I am remembering the things that I said that contributed to the actions of others.  I was told again and again “words MATTER” and I would push it off claiming that I was Italian and that my whole family would run off at the mouth in emotional outbursts and not mean anything they uttered.  That was my excuse to say horrendous things, hurtful things….really just awful things.  I treated it as no big deal, however looking back now I see how my words set-up the roadway of how it all turned out.   I believe it all transpired as it was meant to in the end, however I think that the ending would have been kinder and more civilized if my many words had not paved the road as they did.

Also looking back over my 48 years right now I can remember certain words that were said to me that stuck with me all this time.  Some of them were life-giving and some of them were quite unkind—I remember them though, I remember which people said them and where we were at the time and how they made me feel…years and years later…I remember them…

Bottom-line is WORDS MATTER, they either bring life and love or they break down and destroy, it is up to you what your words will do.  I highly recommend that we all think BEFORE we speak, that when we are really angry and reactive  we walk away for awhile, rather than speak out loud something that we cannot take back.  Once it’s out of your mouth, it’s OUT THERE…so make sure it is something that you will want someone to remember years later…

I realize we all have disagreements and differences of opinion and that isn’t what I am asking you to quell.  I am talking about when we are completely off the hook, reacting —in those moments hold your tongue, go away and calm down and then speak.  It is a far better thing.

Words DO matter, use yours wisely.

Here are some great quotes about the power of words:

https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/tag/power-of-words

 

Forgiveness and The True Concept

It occurred to me today  that many people in the world have a hard time with the true concept of forgiveness.  Not only do individual people have problems with forgiveness, countries have issues with it as do political parties.  Many of us feel that our anger, animosity, hatred and bad feelings are JUSTIFIED and God help anyone who tries to tell us otherwise.  Given an opportunity most people will tell you about who did them wrong in life and if you watch closely you will see in the telling of that incident the true story of their lives…

Usually in the re-telling of the bad divorce, the lost election, the abusive childhood, the business deal gone bad, the unexpected death or the ultimate betrayal, a wise person is able to see the sadness and disappointment that reside just beneath the anger.  Anger, sadness, hurt and disappointment held onto over time become vehicles for that which is against life.  The darkness in the world feeds off of these type of emotions and truly that is the only thing that gives life to the darkness.  If people could come to understand that holding onto past hurts is actually stealing their health and vitality perhaps they would learn to LET GO.

That is my working definition of forgiveness, letting go.  My coaching on forgiveness does not involve over-looking or forgetting what has happened—it involves letting it go, so that the incident no longer has any reactive power over you.  When you can maintain your inner equilibrium no matter what befalls you, you will have achieved a level of mastery unknown to most.  You cannot control the behaviors and actions of others; however you can control your reaction to them.  You can decide to be hurt or offended or you can decide not to be—the choice is always yours.  People are doing the best they can for who they are in the moment and mostly they are not even conscious of how their actions affect others—people are pretty self-absorbed.

I suspect that the average person fails to understand the cost of holding onto anger and animosity.  The cost is not just an individual one—not only does holding onto yucky stuff kill your health and vitality it also doesn’t help the collective consciousness of the world.  Don’t be foolish enough to think that the fight you are having with your brother has no effect on what is happening in Iraq or in Israel…energy is collective.  Your hatred of your business partner or the guy who cut you off on the highway or the opposing political party goes forth into the ethers as energy…in this case BAD ENERGY.  Your nasty attitude is not only effecting you, it is effecting all of us….so QUIT IT!

I’m not suggesting that we all run around wearing orange robes giving out flowers—I am, however, suggesting that we all (myself included) begin to take a deeper look at what anger and animosity we might be holding onto and how that is affecting our quality of life.  It is easy to see what righteous anger and hatred is costing other countries (as people are literally dying to be right)—is it as easy to see what it is costing us as individuals?

Being angry takes up a lot of time and energy, it also affects your health and state of mind…

So next time you are feeling really hot under the collar and your blood pressure is rising—ask yourself –is it really worth it?