Tag Archives: alone

Dreams Of Growing Old With Someone

Dreams of growing old with someone I felt was the love of my life- catapulted me into a 2 decade marriage.  At a young age, I had no idea how little I knew and I had no understanding of what intimate, long lasting love was in a marriage.  I only knew that I wanted him to be the axis of my life.  He was everything I wanted to build my life around and so I did.

We were quickly blessed with a sweet little boy, and somehow, I now had 2 people to devote my time and love towards.  As the years went by, the deep love between my former spouse and I quickly turned to lies and hurt.  So many mistakes were made and we managed to devastate our little boy time and again.  As the marriage began to fade at a rapid pace, God gave us an unexpected miracle of a little girl.  Her existence became known only one day after an agreement for a divorce. We struggled even more to hold our marriage together, to give our children the opportunity of a family.  Our lives were impacted by military combat, frequent absences of their father and we were a lonely military family, away from our loved ones.  There was no village to help and rarely time together as husband and wife.

The years continued to go by and our children were our only joy. We managed to create a team effort, absent of real intimacy, void of trust.  We built a lovely home, strong careers and we ran a regimented home that kept the ship more than afloat.  As the years passed, I longed for another child, and I still deeply loved my husband.  And, so, one morning I learned I was pregnant and my entire life felt completely right again.

And then it wasn’t.

The marriage continued to break apart and was put back together time and again; more combat deployments and a diagnosis of Autism with our youngest son. We picked ourselves up from the many pains and crisis’ over the years, packed our belongings and departed the military life after 20 years.  We needed normalcy and time as a family.

Two short years later, it ended in divorce.  Abruptly.  And we waged an emotional war on each other that I can clearly see now is shameful and did detrimental harm to our children.  It eroded our emotional health, finances and family relationships.  We embedded distrust, anger and hatred in our family.

Fast forward 4 years, we have just begun to be civil and really try and co parent our last remaining child that lives at home.  Are we friends?  I wouldn’t go that far. But, I would say that we are doing everything right in the best interest of our children, and our grandchildren.  We face the challenges that all of our children are dealing with because of their traumas and because we were too consumed by our own pain to think clearly.  Some of those traumas were from the military life we had together and others from the turbulent divorce.

Recently, my former spouse gave me the courtesy of letting me know he is remarrying.  I was grateful because it gave me the chance to brace myself for impact with our children.  His courtesy was an opportunity for me to see that our family is moving on in healthy ways and we can help our children prepare for more changes.  I know my children will struggle with this, but it is my prayer and hope that they will see that we are still a family.  It will take more time for them to accept the finality of the divorce; that the last shred of hope is absolutely gone.  Four years is but a drop in the bucket compared to 25 years.

I hope my children’s father finds in his new marriage all that we lacked in ours.  I want that for him; to see him happy and to grow old with a wonderful person by his side.  I can only hope that our children will embrace their father’s new life and that they know in their hearts that he does love them.  And that, his “moving on” from the marriage he shared with me is not about “moving on” from his relationship with our children.

I hated to love him after the marriage fell apart.  And, it felt good to love to hate him for so long.  But now, I feel peace and contentment in what we had, what was lost and what we have since found as civil people that deeply love the children we were given.  From our teenage marriage and ongoing brokenness, we created two sons, a daughter and were given the blessings of a daughter in law and 3 grandsons.

I’ll forever be grateful for the good times we shared and for the years we tried to give it our best.  We were teenagers when we married and we taught each other so much about life.  But, my most amazing lesson is that through so much devastation, former partners can find common ground when you share a deep love for the same people.

I’ll always have many regrets.  And, there was a phase where I swore I regretted the entire marriage.  But, since the dust has settled and there is a mutual effort of building trust and respect, I now remember that there were good times.  And, we did do some things right.  We made beautiful children that still deserve both of their parents involvement and support.  And if that means that our family grows through remarriage, then that’s what it means.  I think there is never too many people to love our children and grandchildren.

So, the dream of growing old is different now.  There is no sitting on the porch swing next to my children’s father, grey haired with our grandbabies at our feet.  But, I do dream of more laughter and smiles, and our children taking the next step forward in healing after all they have been through in their lives.

– Carmen 
Not Just Nearly Learn happiness, But Really Learn happiness

Give Me Twenty Minutes A Day With My Children

My 13 year old has a bus stop 5 houses down and everyday I drive her to the bus stop. We leave 10 minutes early to sit 5 houses down and wait for the bus.. seems silly doesn’t it.  I do it because I get 10 minutes with her alone and no distractions.. this is 10 minutes that I can’t get anywhere else.  This is my time with her…

I also drive my oldest daughter to high school each day and that is the best time of the day to talk to her…  And on the flip side, I’ve learned that trying to have an important conversation with her after cheer practice at 5:30 is not even worth it.  Teenagers are not much different than adults.. we all have our best times of the day.. and our worst times.

My girls are in their teens and our lives are busy. We are not all together all the time. We do not eat all our meals together or watch movies together. They do not all have the same interests and likes.  We do not all make it to every activity together.  They spend weekends with friends, sports competitions, and sleeping til noon.  This is very different from when they were little.

My son is 9 and loves video games.  I’ll just pop down on the couch next to him and ask him about the game. It’s a quick 5 minutes of me asking him about the game he’s playing and trying to teach me.

It has taken me a while to understand  that we don’t always need to be together. In my head, I had all these fun days planned over Christmas break .. maybe the museum, movies, or mini golf.  And in reality none of that happened, we ended up going out to lunch one day.   And honestly, It was perfect.  They didn’t need the full day of activities to have a fun day like I have envisioned.  Sometimes I forget that they just like it simple.

I have learned that we do not need to spend 8 hours together all the time. They are all at different stages of their lives and sometimes lunch at Buffalo Wild Wings  is all that’s needed.

As they get older, they are learning their independence and I’m learning to give it to them.  It’s hard. It’s a balance between what I need from them and what they need from me. Some weeks it’s one sided.  I used to get so irritated that my middle schooler would come home and go right to her room. Finally I learned that’s what she needed right after school and that later on after 9 pm I would get my time with her..  as she would come watch tv with me.

So sometimes 20 minutes a day is all I need. Give me 20 minutes of undivided time with each child and I learn more about their lives than spending the day with all three.

20 minutes a day seems so minimal.. but sometimes you can learn so much in that time.  I spend hours every week at sporting events, church, and school events for my kids but it’s the random few minutes that are the most important.

It’s the quick ride to school or grabbing a Starbucks or waiting at the ortho before her appointment that matters the most. It’s those random small intervals that we can just talk… not lecturing or probing for information, but just everyday conversation.

I love those moments.  They are what counts right now.

-Snarky

https://www.snarkydivorcedgirl.com/

Karma, Fated Love, Soulmates, and Twin Flames. Part One: What is Fated Love?

What is fated love?

There are a lot of people who want to the find that one person they are meant to be with.This is fated love, not everyone has one in this lifetime, but the people that do know deep down that there is someone just for them out there.  Most people get this confused with a soulmate, or even a twin flame. The soulmate and twin flame journeys are very different experiences, I will get into those topics later.

Fated love is something quite special, it is someone you are meant for romantically in your souls current life cycle. Each of our souls life cycles are different, different loves, different lessons, and different soul purposes. When you meet this person, you will both know, and no matter what challenges you may face it seems like the universe just keeps pulling you two together. You will have unconditional love for one another, and will never be toxic for each other. This person with arrive in your life specifically to enrich it and grow with you. You may face lessons together but unlike a soul mate or a twin flame they with not be the ones to teach you this lesson or shock you into learning it.

Your fated love will start being drawn to you once you’ve learned your basic karma lessons and resolved patterns in yourself and behaviors. Along with your self growth and enlightenment from learning your karma, fated loves are like your prize for your hard work.

Fated loves are meant to be your life partner, they will share so many goals dream and aspirations with you it might seem scary, and if there’s anything you don’t share they will never belittle or make you feel small for having them. They will support you, and love you for everything you are.

Fated love is the stuff of dreams, And when its meant to find you it will.

Always be unapologetically true to yourself,

Ali

 

Ali will be bringing us a series to go with the title “Karma, Fated Love, Soulmates, and Twin Flames.”

Why You Should Solo Travel

Every time I mention to people that I habitually travel alone I get many interesting reactions. The most common one is how they look at me in pity. Poor me, I must have no one to travel with, how can I possibly have fun alone, and of course the meaningless next time you go somewhere Ill see if I can come with you. 


None of this could be further from the truth (well some of it is true ?). In all honesty I have gone on girl trips, family trips, and trips with significant others, and truth be told, my solo trips have been the best so far.

These are some of the top reasons why every one woman should give traveling alone a shot:

*You are in control of your whole itinerary.

Call me selfish but when I travel, especially to a location that I have never been, I want to do everything I’ve always dreamed of doing there. In my experience when one travels with other people, some compromises have to be made, unless you are traveling with your spirit animal who likes exactly everything you like. There are also budget constraints to consider, when I travel I want to enjoy to the max and budget for that. Other people may not have the same budget and you may end up not doing everything you had in mind.

*You can meet new interesting people.

A couple of year ago I went to London alone. I went to a pub and met some locals that showed me some hot spots that I wouldn’t have known about. If I had been with family, significant other, or friends that are not as outgoing like me, that would have never happened.

*You can spend some time with yourself

When I travel alone, I like to watch people, have a nice meal, a drink and soak in the environment. I recently went to Vegas with some friends and they spent lots of time walking and taking an obscene number of pictures at each hotel. I love my friends dearly, but I was thrilled to find out that they had an early flight on the last day. This last day was “my day”. I learned how to play craps, had my cocktails, and soaked in the environment and people watched.

Im honestly not saying that you should never travel with anyone again, I think everything has its place. What I am telling you is that  you should give traveling alone a shot, it is the most empowering experience you’ll ever have and it is not the pity party everyone thinks it is.

See you in the trenches,

Mythologywoman

I Knew Then

I knew. I knew a thousand times over.

I promise myself that I will write this once. I will write and I will leave it. I won’t retouch it or second guess it. I will not apologize for it.

I won’t forget it but I will not live in it. I will not bathe in the sadness of it. The anguish of the emptiness that defines this part of my life.

This hollow part in my center.

I have not allowed myself to really feel despair to this point. The literal mourning to my core that makes me question, can I do this today? Can I do this life?

I spent years, ten of them married, making sure that someone else was OK. I lived for it. I lived to take care of someone else. I felt responsible. I never felt trapped or obligated. I never felt stuck or unsure.

If anything, I was sure. I was certain. I was certain that if I tirelessly loved this man without end I could make him better. I could make him love me the way that I loved him.

I could make him love being a father. I could make him love being a husband. I could make him love his life. I could wait him out. He would return to me.

I really did believe that.

But underneath, I knew.  If I replayed all the things he’s said or done to me that he’s long forgotten, or buried in shame, I knew a thousand times.

We stood outside all that.

I loved him relentlessly through everything.

I loved him through addiction. Recovery. Relapse. Unemployment. Bankruptcy. Home loss. Mental illness. Lying. Betrayal. Loneliness. I had such an uncompromising determination to believe that so much was out of his control to the point that no matter the amount of hurt it caused me, it suddenly occurred to me that it would never actually end.

I clung to small moments of happiness like a child clings to their lovey in their sleep. I carried them around like fragile pieces of glass, and they got me from minute to minute, month to month…year to year.

I know what it feels like to love someone so loyally and unconditionally that I overlooked and compartmentalized so much and so well that I literally drowned in my own care giving. I drowned out everything I ever wanted, everything I ever thought it would be, everything it should have been because I believed that somewhere, deep down, the man I married was inside.

But when the divide between two people in a queen bed is so wide that being in the same room literally gave me panic attacks, or when reaching for your lover’s hand and they don’t respond, or worse, pull away, you know. When they lie in the dark and whisper “You deserve better than I can give you” and roll over to the other side. When you glance in their direction across the room, and they look away…every time. When you send the kids for a sleepover so you can eat a meal that consists of something other than fish sticks or pancakes and make love all over the house, or dance in the kitchen, or get silly drunk on the deck or go for a walk and be quiet…and none of that actually happens and instead you end up on two different couches, in the dark, dying inside.

That is what the part before the end feels like.

I remember following him out to his car one morning before work. I didn’t have shoes on and the driveway needs repaving. The gravel hurt my feet. My insides hurt more.

I said “I just want you to see me. I just want to be seen. You look right past me.”

He said nothing. And left.

This is how countless conversations went. Words came out of my mouth and into the air and disappeared.

I disappeared. Figuratively, then literally.

I left him at a wedding.

I could not bear the thought of sitting quietly with a smile plastered to my face congratulating hopeful, joyful newlyweds, while my marriage made its final descent.

I wanted to scream my vows in his face until my voice was hoarse:

“Today I am certain.  I am certain that you are the man that I was meant to live my life beside.  I stand here and I see our lives before me.  I see lazy Sunday’s and crazy work weeks, love notes taped to doors and good night kisses, stolen covers, and missing socks.  I see family, and children, and laughter and a love between us that is too big to measure.  I look forward to a life full of the planned, but mostly the unexpected. My love for you finally leaves me speechless.  Undoubtedly, from this point forward, I give you my hand to hold, and my heart to keep.”

I left the hotel room and looked back only once. The space where I wished he was standing was empty.

And I knew. It was the final time that I knew.

I took a $93 taxi and an hour drive back to what was once our home and slipped my wedding rings into my purse. As many times as I had thought about that moment before, when it finally came, it hit me like a thousand violent waves.

It was the most freeing heartache of my life.

Jessica-Awesome Single Mama