Tomorrow…51st Birthday?!?! WTF? How did that even happen???? I was literally just, like 30! The kid is 18 now too, going on 60 or so he thinks…he’s moving out soon, looking for an apartment with his friends as he works full time as a Sous Chef and tells me it isn’t “cool” to be a Sous Chef and living at home….he says it is ruining his image….pardon me while I roll around on the floor laughing. I am ruining his image???? HAHAHA—-what do you think he did for mine all these years???? (Continues to laugh until she snorts)
So now what? Here I sit at 51 and soon the kid will be on his own…so what now? It strikes me that I don’t even know who I am without having to be concerned about the boy 24/7— I support him moving, I was on my own at an early age too—-so I get that. It’s just that a moment will catch me and I am like completely undone for a flash. Composure is regained and I keep moving…I am not sure how I will sleep at night not knowing exactly where he is or if he got home safe from work…and I can’t always be asking…he will just say I am being a “helicopter parent”. I don’t think regular people GET what it is like to give up everything to pour yourself into the job of raising a child ALL on your own and having to pay for EVERYTHING and then all of a sudden it is complete…at least this phase because of course we are always their parents….that is a lifetime position….lucky us:)
Then there is the whole 51 issue…damn if I had $5.00 for every lesson I have learned…honestly it seems like the first 50 years was just training ground…sometimes I wonder how the hell I made it!! Also what is with the lines in my face all of a sudden??? Like where the F did those even come from??? UGH!
So let’s talk about some of the “biggies”—-lesson wise that is—-
I learned to watch for behavior patterns as well as actions…words I have discovered mean little….actions are important and patterns will tell you even more. Patterns show the history of someone’s behavior and that is SO important.
-I learned how to walk through fire and hell and come out the other side and I learned that the fire refines me every time and every time I come out stronger and wiser. The fire seasons are hard, yet they are the biggest gifts. Truly. When you are IN them, they are hellish—-when you are out the other side you come to appreciate their value to your growth.
-I have learned patience…mostly…:)
-I have learned how to set boundaries and how to say NO
-I have learned that I cannot fix people and I cannot save them….no matter how much I love them or how much I want to…only they can save themselves.
-I have learned and seen first hand that no matter how long it takes, karma NEVER loses an address.
-I learned that I am not for everyone and that is OK.
And lastly I learned to understand my worth and to value that…this one took almost the whole 51 years to get…
There are SO many more…however those are the BIG ones, the ones that came as a result of walking through fire seasons. Life really is a work in progress and change is what keeps pushing us forward…the kid moving will be its own season for me, not quite a fire season yet some sort of reclaiming…
Reclaiming parts of myself that I had to put aside in order to effectively be his mother and make it work…it will be interesting to see who I become now that I can breathe a little…I look forward to sharing this coming season with you.
I will say that I am grateful for ALL of what came before and that I have also learned to have GRACE for myself and for others as well as I learned that everything really IS working together for good even when I cannot see.
Talk next week.