I have been searching for peace… since March(ish) whether I’ve wanted to or not I have been forced to think about how I have lived my life.
Who I spend my time with. What I want. What I need.
For the longest time I thought I was not a social person. I am still pretty sure I’m not. I have no desire when I’m able, to sit at a bar. That has never been my thing. But I miss my friends. Even though I am usually the friend who cancels or leaves early.
I am shy, but I miss walking into work everyday and saying hello. I miss chatting with people in stores that I went to frequently.
I thought I was confident in my skin… but the more time I spend online those doubts that I was pretty good at batting creep up. Sadly online has become a twisty lifeline. Not my favorite. It wasn’t before, it isn’t now and it won’t be after.
Although, comparing myself to anyone is silly. We all know how easily you can mold yourself literally, to be a completely different person online than you are in person .
I am always taken aback when I meet certain people in person and they look decidedly different IN PERSON than they do online.
I continue to say this. We have some huge opportunities here. As much as I lament about certain things. I am searching out the things that give me peace.
As I like to say. Like it’s my job.
My newest thing is windows wide open listening to the wildlife that live in the marsh across from my house. Really listening. They are a chatty group, but they are also my favorite lullaby.
I try not to look at this time as being alone but time to focus, or at the very least slow down. Although, I am not going to tell you I don’t get incredibly, painfully lonely sometimes.
I’m not going to hide that.
That’s the other thing. I’m learning to be honest with my emotions.
I wear my heart on my sleeve but if I think how I feel may hurt you or cause a burden, I do what I do. I go quiet. I might even run. That helps nobody.
I’ve started taking a step back. For the longest time because of some of the hurt I’ve had, I had a bad habit of assuming the worst. Of everything. Of everyone. I would look for cracks that didn’t exist. It was easier to self sabotage than get hurt.
Now you know that incredibly dirty secret.
I am forcing myself to still be me but be ok with me.
Which is probably the hardest thing for me.
I am not perfect, but as I say that is ok. And ok is a good start, because it leaves room for good and even great.
I am sorry I don’t have the magic elixir Mommas but as I also say…I hope me sharing helps. It helps you know, however you’re feeling… it’s ok and you’re not alone.
Much love Mommas