Right Now It’s My Daughter

Right now it’s my daughter…

As I sit and write this Mommas, I am looking out my window. It’s sunny and I will be able to wear shorts today. My teddy bear of a dog is positioned between me and my daughter and it is the first morning I feel like I can breathe.

Yesterday I put my music on and walked for an hour. I am not a health nut. My ideal of breakfast lately has been a full-size candy bar and a Belevita bar. (Balance)

But I was about to jump out of my skin. What was supposed to be a walk around the block turned into a trek into parts of my neighborhood I’d never seen before.

I got in my head.

Deep.

D- E- E-P

I’m a shy, people person who has been on lock for a month.  I’m a forty eight year old woman who still sees that awkward kid who got picked on. I am a person who loves with her whole heart, who spent too many years not being loved the same and am still healing old wounds.

Before all of this I had rituals and routines in place to help me cope when I got too inside my head. Some made sense – therapist. Some maybe not- wandering aimlessly around Target. Some I miss so much- time with my friends.

I make sure to reach out to my friends and family regularly but I can not wait until I can hug them. The hugs may not end.

I focus on the fact that I have extra time with my daughter. That she crawls into bed with me and we talk. We go for walks. She and I play cards and I get to eat every meal with her.

I am so lucky to be working. So many of my friends are in limbo – so many people are. I am fortunate and I can’t forget that.

I am making an effort but as I tell everyone else, I am also being gentle with myself. There is no rule book for this. It’s easy for me to stop and wallow. And I can for a bit, but I have a twelve year old trying to get through this too.

I need to do what I’ve done since they put her in my arms… take care of her.

Which means focusing on the good.

Right now it’s her. Her tight hugs are getting awkward because she’s taller than me, which she loves. Her running into my room while I’m on a ZOOM call to tell me about a funny meme she found, her just sitting next to me while I read and she’s on her iPad.

Now she would tell you I should be thankful I don’t dye my hair an unnatural color so it doesn’t look too bad while I grow it out and keep wearing lip gloss because I like it.

Be safe and much love Mommas.

<3 Caprise

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