I need a reality check…
As I write this as I do every week I am listening to music this week it’s NEEDTOBREATHE “Banks.”
One of the lyrics is “baby you don’t have to do it by yourself. Want be there when darkness closes in to make the truth a little clearer.”
While I am an incredibly independent person. I keep quite a bit of my life private.
I have moments.
Especially right now in the midst of all of this. I gesture broadly. I begin to wonder as I watch the tenth romcom on Netflix and say I don’t want it, but really I do. If I ever will. Have it. That elusive kinda all or nothing relationship and maybe that’s a deep dive for another time.
I have moments where I feel less than. Where the littlest thing feels like the biggest thing. Where I absolutely can not see that light at the end of the tunnel. Where I second guess everything.
Then the guilt comes. I have so much. More than a lot of other people especially right now.
But in this I have gotten to live in my head a little.
Ok, a lot.
I need a reality check.
There are so many things I wish I could take back. There are so many things I wish I could say. There are so many things I wish I had done.
I am heading into my fifth month of essentially wearing outfits that can be work or nighttime wear as I rarely leave the house. I really can’t stand seeing my face on ZOOM anymore.
I started out with a pixie and now have graduated to a shaggy bob.
I’m really not sure if I will be able to wear shoes or jeans again.
Meanwhile, I am doing that thing you/ I should never do. I’m comparing myself to these women who are baking the banana bread, teaching their children French and look immaculate everyday.
I might be exaggerating a little.
We’ve been put in this fishbowl and now things I normally don’t see or wouldn’t see or don’t care about.
There they are.
In my face. All the time.
But then out of nowhere while I am writing this very blog, having a gigantic pity party.
My taller than, me thirteen year old asks if she can have a cuddle.
She gets a pillow and puts it in my lap. She gets quiet. I ask her what’s wrong.
She gestures at the air.
I hug her.
Suddenly I really don’t care that I have been living in t-shirts. I can’t imagine how she is feeling. Her school year ended abruptly. She couldn’t celebrate becoming a teenager with a big party like we had hoped. She sees her friends sporadically and when they do see each other it’s six feet apart with masks because we are in the part of the country where cases are spiking. Her new school year will be virtual. She won’t get to play the only sport she loves.
She has only seen her Dad once.
And in all of this you know what SHE did? She took my phone and put daily reminders telling I’m beautiful. I’m loved. She put post it’s on the mirrors with positive sayings.
She always says I love you. I get all the hugs I can handle.
Even during all of THIS.
THIS is something I continue to struggle to put words to. But I’m incredibly thankful for the amazing human that keeps it real for me.
My reality check.
No more pity parties. I am not less than I am someone’s Mom and that is definitely more than enough.
Much love Mommas