One Year Later

What’s the most important thing you’ve done this year? For me…it’s that I survived. One year ago today I sat in the garage, put the keys in my ignition, turned it on, and sat there screaming in sheer pain. Calling out for her, but she never came. I sat and pounded the steering wheel, grasping at my chest because it hurt so bad. The physical pain…it was just too much for me to take, and I wanted it to go away. This was my only answer. But as I sat there, uncontrollably crying, something made me turn off the ignition and open the garage door. It wasn’t that I wanted to live, but whatever it was, it was stronger than me or the pain.

For me that night…I was desperately trying to end the pain and conquer my problems. I could not bare to live my life without her. It was simply unadulterated desperation.

Depression. It’s living in a body that fights to survive, with a mind that wants to die. The suicide attempt(s) have become a trauma that I have had to learn to deal with. Some days it’s a battle, some days it’s ok. I suppose there should be no shame in fighting the war, because at least I’m here to fight it. I won’t say there haven’t been days when I haven’t revisited the thought again, but then I remember I promised myself never to allow someone to have that much power over me again. And at the end of the day I need to remember to celebrate the courageous person that stares back at me in the mirror and all that she has overcome. Because in the end…long story short…she survived!

Keep surviving!

Virtual Hugs,

BLag

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One thought on “One Year Later

  1. Brenda Logan

    Brooke.. I’m So, So, Sorry You had To Experience Such Pain !! I would gladly have taken it for you if I could!! Sometimes we have to Trust that Tomorrow will be Better !! It’s not easy,
    Only God can help us through it !! But, I’m glad about TODAY.. AND WANT TO TELL YOU * I LOVE YOU * YOU BEAUTIFUL PERSON.. YOU ARE SO PRECIOUS TO ME ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

    Reply

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