It’s funny how years later, the past seems so much clearer.. I finally understand why my marriage didn’t work and it doesn’t make me sad.
I was going through my old pictures and cards this week. One of the many projects, that I have put off for years, but now being stuck at home I’ve finally motivated myself… I’m sitting in my storage room in the basement by myself going thru all these old keepsakes and bins.
I came across all my old birthday, mothers day, and anniversary cards from my ex husband. I sat there and read them all. I think for the first time I realized how much thought and love he put into writing those cards. I just wish he could have communicated all those thoughts to me out loud during our marriage. Reading those cards now, it was crazy to read the paragraphs he wrote about how much he loved me. At the time, when I was married he could not communicate many things to me. He couldn’t communicate how he felt about me or ask what we both needed in our marriage. And at the time, him writing those thoughts once a year wasn’t what I was looking for in our marriage. Eventually the lack of communication was one of the main reasons our marriage ended
I sat there thinking about when did I fall out of love with him. Those cards seemed like there was so much love between us, but in reality it wasn’t like that. I believe that I was in love with him when we got married and started to have kids, but somewhere through the next 13 years I fell out of love. The communication started to dwindle, we started to do activities separately, and I felt like I wasn’t the same person I was years ago. I remember feeling like I was never appreciated and that he had no input in any decisions. We eventually had little to talk about. I felt like I was constantly trying to get him to communicate or show any interest and he just couldn’t.
It’s a hard thing to think about. Did I love him in the beginning? And when did it change? What was the exact point that I just didn’t care anymore? Marriage and relationships take constant work from both parties. I know that by the time I realized our marriage was in trouble, I didn’t have much effort left. I honestly had already checked out. We spent over a year in marriage counseling separate and together. Unfortunately for my husband at the time, I learned more about myself and realized I was not in love with him anymore. We were both trying to make changes in our relationship but we just couldn’t connect.
Yes I could have stayed in the marriage and had a good life, but I wanted more for myself. I remember even thinking maybe I could stay and we could just be friends. Crazy thoughts.. but I’m sure many of us have had them. I wanted to be happy. It might sound selfish, but I couldn’t spend the next 40 some years with someone that couldn’t talk to me.. couldn’t ask about my day or be excited about the things I wanted in my life. And as time went on, I turned to my friends for all those things. Or I didn’t even tell him the things I was excited about….i just went through a lot of motions of being in a happy marriage, but I wasn’t.
Looking thru all these cards now, didn’t make me sad. I know that he wrote what he felt. This is hard to write about because I don’t want to sound heartless but reading those cards didn’t make me sad or regretful. I have many great memories of our time together. It just made me understand maybe more about why our relationship didn’t work. And it’s ok that I’m not sad about it…