A List of Things I Dread
First Happy New Year Mamas!
We made it….
It’s Sunday night and I have sufficiently procrastinated. My new co- writer by my side, although my furry sidekick is asleep. I’m munching on Starburst Sour gummies. Ever since my solo trip to California and being introduced to a sour gummy candy bar provided for the musicians, I always have some on hand.
Music today NEEDTOBREATHE: Banks.
It calms me down.
Tomorrow I go back to work which is not a worry but at some point next week I need to talk to my ex husband about our daughter.
Specifically that she will be going to a therapist.
AND that he will have to pay half.
Money is a tough topic anyway.
With anyone, but someone who you aren’t married to anymore.
Who when you were married kept a spreadsheet of the money he did give you.
Here’s the thing. If he can’t or won’t help I can figure it out. I always do. The deal is he is supposed to help.
Which he sporadically does.
And here’s the thing: it is fine.
Because again I will figure it out.
I always do.
But what it is how he makes me feel.
How he has always made me feel.
That he forgets when we met he was unemployed, a college drop out. I was working three jobs trying to pay off my two degrees.
I found him a job, put him through college.
When I left he wrote me a check let me fill up a U- haul and told me I made this choice.
He wouldn’t divorce me for years. So I couldn’t get aid or insurance.
When he would come pick our daughter he would walk in my apartment and sit down and talk to me about his job and how much money he was making. The women he was dating.
Finally one day at the urging of my friends I told him he can’t keep doing that.
The fight that followed was so bad that after that every time he came to my apartment my neighbors would make sure they were around.
Flash forward we have been officially divorced for nine years.
But I have had similar incidents. An unfortunate phone call from the lobby of my workplace. A co-worker walking in on him yelling at me.
Veiled threats about taking me to court knowing financially I can’t fight him.
To the point I now own a house with my parents. They are my buffer.
My anchor. My shield.
All of this is I’ve held onto and I am not even sure I should put it here.
But everyone thinks they know the choices you make.
Sometimes you let them believe it, it’s easier.
Two years ago I confronted him about an incident with my daughter he lied about, the next thing I know he has a lawyer.
All I want.
All I have ever wanted is a co-existence that is best for my daughter.
I want to be able to just say hey…and have a discussion.
Instead I have to worry.
Should I have asked first.
Do I just pay for it?
I mean the guy on our divorce agreement changed half of college tuition to state college… to save money.
Will this make things bad again. Especially now that we seem to be at a place of calm.
So… I am dreading this.
Asking for money.
Even though he is supposed to.
So this as a single Mom is something I dread.
Talking about money.
In the coming weeks I will add to the list.
Send good juju.
Much love Mamas.