My Mother is nearing the end of her time here, it is the reason that I didn’t do Coffee Chat last Sunday morning as we thought the exit was closing in…it appears now that it will be a journey to the finish line with an undefined amount of time…so as you might imagine no matter what else I am doing right now this knowledge is with me, running under everything that I do.
Every day I am asking myself what lessons God wants to teach me with all of this, what is there for me to see, to learn, to give, to do? Some lessons have been about boundaries and understanding that I cannot fix or save other people, some have been about carrying on the things she taught me about being a WARRIOR no matter what you are walking through and this morning was a lesson about adding something to my work with people…
She trained me hard, taught me how to achieve results with no excuses, taught me how to tell it like it is, taught me how to stand in the face of a shit storm and not let it phase me….warrior training, my whole life has been that. She, herself would tell you that the softer sides of things she wasn’t good at—- and so my training in those ways has been from other things and other people. Of course training also never ends, life continues to train us on the daily.
This morning I shared some thoughts on the FB page about adversity and how to use it — it was an excerpt from something that I had written awhile back— when I went to check the comments I saw that someone had written that I was ‘harsh’ and ‘mean’— after my ego finished being insulted and I deleted the comment which was written in a shitty way— I re-read what I posted and I saw how the person could have interpreted what I had written in a way that was more ‘hard’ than I meant it to be. It is difficult sometimes to have my personality come through my words, if you know me or watch me you see that I care about people and that I only want to help them overcome things that are in their way.
In this particular thing that I wrote I was talking about using adversity to make you stronger and not to get stuck in a mode of whining and complaining when things are hard—- the person in her comment had pointed out that sometimes talking about it and venting is needed, it is part of the process…and she was CORRECT.
Lord knows that my closest friends have been getting an earful daily for the last week as I process my Mother’s impending exit from this world…I have been angry, I have cried, I have complained etc—-so much so that I am sick of talking about it now. What could be the lessons?It feels like a coat that I cannot shed right now and I am not a fan. Am I wallowing? NO. Am I processing? YES. Is that a necessary factor? YES.
I went back and edited the post I made to include a line about how it is ok to vent and process and then just move on from that, don’t dwell in the seeming mess, don’t dwell in the sadness—don’t move in and stay in those places.
I am still learning, learning that helping people to be warriors can also mean showing them how to make room for sadness or despair and not live IN it—- learning that a day of “I can’t” is ok as long as it is JUST a day or two— learning that having space for “i’d rather not” and letting it run me for a day or two is okay as long as I PUSH through it after that.
Learning also that I have to accept people where they are and be okay with them being incongruent— every one, including my Mother has their own path, their own karma, their own life lessons—it is not my job to judge or evaluate them. It is my job to heal my own shit, OWN my own shit and take care of ME and to do what I can to be helpful while being true to my own boundaries of what works and what doesn’t.
My Mother and my Grandparents have been my greatest teachers thus far and they continue to teach me daily from this world and beyond….funnily enough my Son is also an excellent teacher of mine and his point of view on recent events has been invaluable to me—- it’s cool to see when you have gotten a job done well.
I am not sure if I will see you on Sunday for Coffee Chat, we’ll play it by ear—know that I am always thinking of you all and sending you love and strength and peace.