I Missed Your Birthday

I missed your birthday.

You were at your dads, I’m supposed to “get used to it” and learn to share you but I don’t think I ever will. 

I had you last year, it’s only fair your dad has you this year. I get it. I do, but I’m your mommy I’m supposed to be there for the big deals and yeah,I’m throwing a party for you on a different day but it’s not the same. You’re only two you’re not going to know the difference, but I do. I feel it every child exchange, every missed birthday, every missed milestone. 

I want to be there, I do, but I need to share you and it’s the hardest thing mommy’s ever done. I have practice, I learned how to share your brother and sister but its never gotten easier and now I’m seeing the results of sharing as you kids get older.

Things aren’t always easy, you guys struggle with the back and forth, and I know that and I feel guilty but its necessary. You have a Dad and he has a right to see you as much as I do. We are in this together, you’re lucky to have a Dad so involved in your life and I love and respect that, but I’m also selfish and want you to myself. 

I want you to know I fought for our family. I fought hard but I fought alone. I was fighting for a fantasy. You deserve better than that. You deserve a real family and I know now we are a family, a family I created with you children. I have spent my life fighting for a “real” family and it’s taken me years to discover I had one all along. Once your brother was placed in my arms we were a family of two, then your sister and you came along and made us a complete family of 4. Now we all have each other to rely on and yes you have two large extended families to rely on, but it’s the special little family we have that means the world to me. 

In our little world its just us for a few days at a time and I love those special moments. I may have missed this birthday but there’s plenty more I will get to share with you and I’m learning to be okay with that. 

Serendipity

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