There is a hole in our family pictures..
Earlier this month Chrissy Teigen announced the heartbreaking news she had lost her child, and it hit me right in my gut. I too had lost my third child and I too had named him Jack. Suddenly I was overcome with the raw emotion that comes with child loss. I suddenly was back in that ER room with multiple doctors telling me there is nothing they can do as they help my limp child in their hands covered in my blood.
There is something inside a woman that breaks when you lose a child, a core part, that no one knows existed until it breaks. Because you see we are not meant to outlive our children. We are meant to be in rockers and watch them blissfully with their own children. But instead 1 in 4 women will experience baby loss. It is a club no one wants a membership to and yet it is a silent club that no one acknowledges until they become a member. Then it consumes your identity.
Suddenly You are consumed by loss and the what ifs. I would not wish it on my worst enemy, there is a knowing look a woman who experienced a loss will give you and it differs from the look a regular person would give you. It is a heartbreaking knowing look like suddenly they just took you under their wing and become a sisterhood with you. The look of absolute understanding and pain.
The pain. It never leaves you, but you learn to live with it. You learn to look to blue sky days and wonder if your child is playing in the heavens looking down on you, then there are days you look up at the rainy sky and wonder why? Why were you chosen? You learn to lean on those around you, your silent sisterhood, as you navigate a new life.
I can testify it gets easier. The years go by and you are less consumed by pain, and you find new happiness. Maybe you have a rainbow baby, a child that follows a loss, and suddenly you are blessed with a chance to tell your rainbow all about his sibling in heaven watching over him. Maybe you decide to foster and adopt, and you are blessed in whole new sense. But I Promise you will find a way to carry on. Chrissy will get past this, she has the whole world watching as she grieves, but she will get past this and lets hope can be a shining light in the world of baby loss and help other mothers navigate their new normal
But there is a hole. There is a hole in your family pictures. For me it is between my daughter and youngest son, and his name is Jack and January 25th is his birthday and he would be turning 6 next year. I will always be his mother. I will always say his name. and every year in January I will remember him, and I will celebrate the short time I carried him and felt him move inside of me.