I have returned…
My divorce became final today. This process took over a year and a half. And it was long overdue by about 7 years. I didn’t know how I’d feel when I got word that a decision had been made. Scared? Sad?
Relieved. All I feel is relieved. He broke me. Not in the physical sense. But emotionally, he broke me. I am a stay at home mom who shriveled into a corner as time passed. I was never complimented or acknowledged. I spent the last two years of our “cohabitation” being essentially ignored.
And then the divorce process was horrific. Ugly, ugly words were said. Things I will never be able to completely forget. “You did nothing. You deserve nothing.” Meanwhile, I was a stay a home mother, raising two children under 8, while fighting stage 4 cancer. But I did nothing.
Those words cut like a knife. Until one day I realized, “Like hell I did nothing.” I am raising two children. Two AMAZING human beings. I kept this house together from the moment we bought it. I played Memory while having chemo pumped through me. And I looked death in the face at least 4 times and said, “Not today. Maybe someday, but NOT TODAY.”
Once he left the new home that we’d built just 2.5 years earlier, I began to find my shine again. I took control of my life. I realized I’d dulled my shine to allow him to be the star. I used to be funny. I used to be outgoing. I used to smile. I stopped being that person in order to make him happy. I pushed all of that away during my marriage. Somehow I’d let myself believe that his needs and wants were more important than mine. And I became passive. Quiet. “Just” a mom.
And now that he’s gone, I’ve returned. I walk taller. I’m proud of myself again. I’m focused on myself and my kids and I’m thrilled to be back. I no longer dull my shine because I’m afraid to be noticed. I laugh and I engage with people and those that knew me pre divorce are now seeing who I really am. A friendly, caring, funny woman who is also realizing who SHE really is again.
I spent a long time worrying about what I’d do after divorce. And now I know, it’s the best thing that could have ever happened to me. Even my chemo is easier now, because I feel better on the inside. I’m happy again. And I will never, EVER again allow someone to tell me I’m nothing. I’m stronger and I’m more confident. I’m now a single mom, a stage 4 cancer survivor and a damn good woman. And I’ve never felt happier in my life.