The Guitar Player…
After college I dated but no one stuck. I will be honest I was why. I might have still been hung up on Captain of Sport I don’t understand. AlsoI was picky. Silly picky. Maybe unfair picky. I also had a bad habit of stacking the men I was dating. I’m not proud of it but it was not uncommon for me to break up with someone and have someone waiting in the wings.
I was young – I had some pretty set rules to date me. Contrary to popular belief I was a pretty tame dater. Which was not a deterrent.
The guitar player almost wasn’t. I originally was set up with the lead singer of his band who forgot to tell me he had a live in girlfriend. The exact quote “maybe that’s his sister, nope you shouldn’t kiss your sister like that.”
Lead singer is now a famous movie director- you have definitely seen his movies. I stand by my choice.
The night that all went down the guitar player who had never talked to me asked me to hang out with him after their show.
“I just want to know you.”
He had this incredible voice. I have a thing about voices. His is one of my favorites. He also has this smile not smile he does. There are so many things. Some are too precious to share. Sorry not sorry.
No one had never said that to me. That they want to know me. He meant it. I was shyly grilled for several hours. He was older and I would find out later he and the lead singer played a game of Horse to determine if he could ask me out.
We would date on and off for two very rough years.
Not because he was a bad guy. But I was not ready for what he brought to the table. I was 22 and trying to find my place in the world dating an incredibly handsome, incredibly talented older man dealing with crippling anxiety.
At that time there was no name for it.
Therapy was limited and the solution was lots of medication.
Our relationship became one where I felt I did all the work. 80% I did. Financially I pulled the weight. Emotionally I pulled the weight. At least it felt that way.
We loved each other.
I still love him. But when you struggle with your own self worth and want what everyone else has it’s hard to hold together a relationship with someone who is t healthy enough to be what you need.
When he could though… and if he had god damn I would have married that man.
But he couldn’t and didn’t.
We gave up.
I gave up.
My heart very broken. Still is now.
The guitar player will be back- but unfortunately I spend the worst year of my life with the one that should have never been.
Single Mom of the amazing Dbl G
Henry Rollins Middle Aged Punk Prom Date