The guarded mom….
Normally I write these and tell you about the song I am listening to and what I am drinking. No music but milk tea. Lots of milk tea. It’s my new favorite thing.
There are quotes all over Pinterest about guarded women. I would take it a step further and say I’m a guarded Mom.
I realized this a long time ago but this weekend it came front and center. My daughter was trying to get in touch with her Dad to tell him about her grades. Her texts kept bouncing back. I found this out when I heard her crying in her room. I got my phone and put him on speaker. When I started to explain to him what happened he started to get defensive as he does. My daughter gave me a look. I was able to diffuse the situation and she was able to tell her Dad about her grades.
I want to tell you I haven’t spent the last eleven years diffusing everything but if you read what I write. You know that’s not true. And it’s exhausting. I have to think about everything I say. Everything I post. Even writing these blogs I worry sometimes.
My constant diffusing has meant I also keep certain parts of me to myself. I have only taken one vacation by myself. My daughter has only met one person that I have dated. Up until I started writing and doing radio again all my social media was private and most of it, still is.
I worry when I do go out somehow my ex husband will turn it around on me. That worry has made me say no. That worry has made me put things in place so my daughter will always have someone when it can’t be me. That worry has made me appear anti social. To some like I don’t care. That I’m closed off.
The thing is I care with my whole heart. I made a promise to my daughter the first time her Dad broke her heart I would be as she calls me- her knightress.
Sometimes a Knight has to guard her heart, but it doesn’t mean she doesn’t have one. She’s just keeping it safe for battle.
Being a Mom is the best thing, the hardest thing and my favorite thing.
Love you Mommas