Excitement comes in all sizes, shapes, styles and kinds… just like presents. Sometimes when I am excited about something I also feel relief and on occasion it comes with anxiety for me.
My dad finally agreed to come to our house for a few days. That was 2 weeks ago-I was super excited to see him and hopeful for the future and maybe the possibility of him being back in my life. It happened pretty fast, his decision to come, and I didn’t have much time leading up to him arriving to dwell over whether it was a good thing, bad thing, the right thing or the wrong thing. It takes about an hour to get to his house, the morning I went to go pick him up, I went alone and that hour was NUTS-back and forth between excitement, anxiety, and fear. I am pretty sure I talked myself out of turning around at least half a dozen times. But I pushed through, picked him up and brought him back to our home. It was a weird 3.5 days. I can’t say it was the best 3 days I have ever had, although one would like to think after over 2+years of not seeing your father it would be the greatest reunion ever. It didn’t quite happen like that-there were moments where I was pissed at him and his actions while in our home but I chose not to cause a disagreement. There were moments where I wanted him to be back at his home. Moments of sadness looking at this man and not really knowing who he was and wondering if I want to know him. I also felt pity. He is nothing of who he use to be and after this I have understood and accepted that, FINALLY.
It was pretty low-key, we did very little except hang around the house with the kids and eat. My kids were excited, and seemed to have enjoyed the time they spent with Grandpa. My older two know more of what Grandpa goes through with his addiction(s) and mental illness, my youngest knows none of it.
My excitement of this visit comes from anticipating that maybe this time he has hit his rock bottom and not excited that he had to hit the bottom but excited that maybe he finally realizes what he is losing/lost.
MAYBE-there is always that maybe-I’ve said maybe a million times over with the rock bottom. And for those of you who understand-you can relate to the excitement with the anxiety.
Love to All-Kim