It is Sunday late afternoon and I am listening to not the best cover of a Third Eye Blind song, my one diet soda I allow myself long gone.
I have been forty nine almost a full month. Christmas and New Years are creeping up and as I do this time of year I get in my head.
A year ago I cut all my hair off. Today I saw some silver in it and put more teal in it. Yes, more. I have forever wanted fun punk rock hair but have been afraid. The wildest hair color I had has been a shade of pink
The irony is I have tattoos and piercings. I love me some leopard print.
But for some reason there is a fear for me in doing anything too drastic to my hair.
Maybe because I can’t hide it.
Maybe because even though I love people I am shy and I don’t want to attract attention to myself. Again I can hide my tattoos and piercings.
My hair, unless I like hats…no hiding.
A few months into the pandemic it became pretty obvious I would not be able to maintain the beautiful blonde my magical unicorn of a hairstylist gave me.
So… I tried Mommas to do the box thang myself. Nope. (Side note I have a high risk family member in my bubble so certain things are on hold).
In our pantry we had a fun hair dye my teen daughter had colored her hair. I decided to test drive a stripe.
The kid liked it. The co-workers liked it and the color looked like it might hide my roots.
Flash forward to today and I have streaks of teal in my hair.
I have embraced it. As much as I tell my daughter and you all to be confident in who you are. It’s still a journey for me. And let’s be real… I think it is maybe a lifelong journey for a lot of people.
That is ok.
I say this all the time we are human. Everyone wants you to be one way or the other. Chin up. Lean in.
Well which one is it?
Be tough or be soft?
You hover, you don’t hover enough.
So I have decided at forty nine I am going to embrace it.
Whatever it may be.
At this present moment it is teal streaks in my hair.
Tomorrow it could be not ever wanting to wear jeans again.
Finally being brave enough to tell my side of why I got divorced rather than letting everyone believe something not true because I just didn’t want to fight anymore.
Or just let it lie.
That is the beauty in all of this and to me the gift each birthday gives me. The chance to decide what I want to embrace and what I want to just let slide.
I really feel like I need to embrace some Reese’s too.
But maybe after dinner.
Be safe and much love Mommas