I cried at work today. I cried to my boss. The overwhelm is just too much. The burdens are too heavy. The decisions are too many. I don’t want to play life today. I seriously want to hibernate. I want people to leave me alone…. and the enemy, oh he can have a party on that dance floor next to me because this girl….she’s sitting at the bar and not getting up. Not even for Chaka Khan.
I want to cry some more. I really do. It’s sometimes hard though….I have a hard time crying when there’s nobody to hold me and tell me it’s going to be okay. Today, my single, solo life sucks.
I pick up the phone. I call my son. Then I call my bestie. I am reminded that not only “This Too Shall Pass”, but that every season comes to an end so another can begin.
“Thank You God,” I say. Just as the seasons of nature change 4 times a year, so do the seasons in our lives. There is a reason for the darkness, the hibernation, the dormancy of winter. It is to prepare for what is next. It is to make way for something new. It is for seeds to blossom and animals to birth.
So, I let myself be sad. I let myself sit in the darkness. I let myself be in this space of not knowing, not understanding, not liking the way that it is.
I don’t need a ‘FIX’ for it. I don’t need a remedy. I don’t need a pharma. I don’t. I don’t need to remove the anxiety of the day. It just is. I am so glad I got on the phone for reassurance that this is temporary and I will find my footing, my hootspa, my gumption and I will wake up tomorrow with a new attitude. Or not. And it’s okay.
As much as I’d like sum-sum-summertime all year long….it cannot be. We need winter. I need winter.
I go to the couch with the blankets and a good movie and I let the anxious thoughts just be.