Crash Into Me….
Sometimes in the middle of chaos you begin to realize what you need and what you deserve.
You start to find your voice. You start breathing again. You uncross your arms. You let things go you should have let go a long time ago.
And maybe people told you that, in fact they did but you had to land there.
I have landed there.
Mommas I think I crashed actually.
I’m going to be honest I am crying while I write this, it probably doesn’t help my community is in the middle of a shutdown. I’m trying to change jobs and worry I really won’t have one. Add to it I have been in a relationship where I feel like I have been relegated to swimming in jello.
We take two steps forward then inevitably we take a giant step back. While it’s better than any I have been in for a long time.
I still am in a place where I am allowing myself to not be in a relationship I deserve. I have the last few years holding my breath waiting for a change that doesn’t come. I have mentioned this before, somewhere along the way I bought into the belief I deserve to not be loved a hundred percent.
I have been living in the land of broken promises.
Changes that never happen.
Who taught me I deserved this? My Dad definitely doesn’t treat my Mom like this.
I know what I want. Why am I so afraid of having it? Why do I settle for half?
I had a pretty lengthy conversation with my best guy friend about how I should take steps up. Not just steps. I am an adult. I deserve to be in a relationship with someone who is also an adult. Or acts like it. I deserve to be more than afterthought. I deserve to be the first thing and last thing someone thinks of. I deserve to have bad days. They deserve them to but let me hold your hand.
Don’t shut me out. Fight for me. Make me feel wanted. Needed.
I don’t need someone in my life. I am capable of being on my own. But if I am going to make space for someone in my life they better be worth a spot at the table.
There is a quote “never be afraid to fall apart; it presents an opportunity to rebuild yourself the way you wish you’d been all along.”
Love to you Mommas, so much right now.