Category Archives: Relationships

Holidays Are Hard

Holidays are hard…I am writing this in a crunch. I am listening to Taylor Swift, a Diet Pepsi that is so flat it’s not worth it is nearby, as is my daughter’s Christmas list.

I have been writing these blogs for almost two years. The first one I wrote as a regular contributor was right around this time and it was about the holidays and that pang. That pang you get as a parent who shares holidays with a former spouse.

Holidays are hard.

Let’s be honest they suck.

That dance you do. My least favorite dance by the way.

I wrote that blog from my perspective.

I didn’t stop to think about my daughter’s Dad. More importantly I didn’t stop to think about my daughter.

We have been attending this “dance” for almost eleven years. One year Santa didn’t come until the day after Christmas. She has had to wait. Ask me to share lists. Some people think she gets two things isn’t that great.

Is it?

So I asked her. How she feels about things. What she wants. She’s thirteen now. 

Well I should first tell you…Last year she put her foot down and told us how it was going to be. She wanted to wake up Christmas morning here, then go to her Dad’s. Then come home. She told me she was mad we waited so long to ask. I said well you were little…

That kind of smoothed things over. 

This year we now have COVID to contend with. Our state has actually mandated no gatherings with people outside of the home. So I asked her…now what? How are you feeling about things?

Meh she says.

What does that mean?

Mom, I can’t get upset about things I can’t control, remember? No point.

Wow. You are much calmer about this than I am. 

I know. She laughs.

I still worry that Christmas is never what it should be or Thanksgiving or Easter…

I will always feel that pang when she goes. I will always worry she is not getting the holidays she deserves.

The older she gets we are talking and making the holidays more hers. As they always should have been as I meant them to be. But as you know there’s no playbook for this. What you think is right maybe isn’t. So you try to make each moment, each holiday,better.

I am thankful for such a great kid in spite of me figuring this out as I go.

And maybe figuring it out wrong.

 

Be safe Mommas and much love.

💚Caprise

My Sage

My sage….

This week has been hard for me. It has definitely improved. I am listening to a new song by my favorite band basking from the glow of their performance on Saturday Night Live.  Knowing in February my Valentine will be a new album.

I have happy ears. I treated myself to a homemade Vanilla Latte for good measure and am proud of myself for picking that skill up along the way over the last seven months.

But back to this. I keep a lot of my life private even from my daughter. She’s a smart cookie though and knows what’s up. She sees more than I give her credit for. Also, I wear my heart on my sleeve so she really sees things.

She has been opening up to me a lot lately about everything. So yesterday at lunch I asked her point blank what she thought about me dating.

When my daughter was little she made it very clear I was never to remarry or date. I think there are too many Disney movies with wicked step parents.

As she has gotten older her Dad has been very open about dating, and she has friends who have parents who are remarried and have blended families.

She looked at me and said I want you to be happy. But Mom I want someone good enough for you.

What?

I love Dad but he sleeps until noon. 

Oh honey, people can be different and still work.

I know Mom you deserve someone who appreciates you. 

You don’t think your Dad did?

Not like he should have.  Mom you get up with me. Get us going, go to work, come home, hang out. Do it over again. All day everyday.

Well …I do take naps.

Mom you know what I mean.

And you’re cute. Someone cute. 

Lol. Ok. 

She hugs me and heads for her room.

Stops and turns around.

Mom, you deserve someone who will make you happy. They shouldn’t make you sad. If they make you sad. They gotta go.

I smile.

My beautiful sage goes to her room and I hear playing video games with her friends.

Mommas, my heart is full and she taught me a lesson. A few. It’s ok to talk to her. Obviously some editing. She wants to talk to me. I am really excited she is talking to me.

Be safe

Much love Mommas 

💚Caprise

The Five Friends That You Need

The five friends that you need….Over the years, my circle of friends has really gotten smaller.  I have a lot of acquaintances, but the number of true friends is really small.  These are the friends that I trust and really give my time too.    

I was thinking the other day about the different types of friends that I have…and how they all come together in my life.  How each one of them offers a different purpose in my circle…and each one I truly need.  

The “listener” – The one  friend that is always there no matter what,  she will just sit and listen to you babble on and on…  She will let you text you all your daily problems every day and just continues to listen.  She will go on long walks with you and just let you ramble on about your life.  She might ask questions and get you to think, but listening is her main purpose.  Sometimes she does not even give advice or offer suggestions, she can just listen.  And in the end, I usually figure out the solution to my own problems because she just listened.  She is the soundboard for everything.  

The “honest” friend- This is the one that tells you exactly how it is… She will tell me to “be nice” and do not go “crazy”.  She is the one friend that will put me in my place when I need it.  She will tell me over and over again to be nice, if she feels I am out of line.  This friend also will remind me of your past mistakes so you do not make them again… She reminds you of the not so good boyfriends, so you do not make that same mistake twice.  When I have a lapse in judgement, she will remind me of what happened the last time.  She is not afraid to call me out on my own bullshit or my “pity party”.  She can read through the lies that I tell myself and get me to be true to myself.  She will tell me if someone is not treating me well or if I am not treating someone else well.  

The “yes” friend–  This is the one friend that always says “yes”, she is always up for whatever you have in mind… Sometimes if I really want to do something, she is the person I will go to because I know she will say “yes”.  Now at times, this can get me into trouble because some of my ideas may not be the smartest, but I know she will say “yes”.  She will also be up for going out or staying in, she will just go along with whatever you have in mind.   The honest friend may not like her at times, because I know she will say “yes” to anything of my ideas. The ‘Yes” friend will tell you, go ahead and send that text… go ahead and go on that date…go ahead and buy that new dress.  I like the “yes” friend.  

The “cheerleader” – The friend that reminds you to look at the positive things in life.  She constantly reminds you to be patient and sends you daily positive quotes.  She is the friend that can always find something good in every situation.  She reminds me to be patient, not rush, and that good things will happen.  She reminds me that when something  bad or challenging happens that something good might come out of it.  At times, I find that completely annoying and can not believe in her positivity.  She reminds you that tomorrow is another day, she will cheer you on in any of your goals in life…

You want to lose 10 lbs, she will be there to cheer you on.  

She reminds you “ whats not to love” when you are down on yourself.  You wake up every day to a “good morning” text from her and when you answer “ whats good about it” she will send you a positive affirmation”.  She is your biggest cheerleader and she is the “snow white’ of the group…

The “Ann Landers” – This is the friend that gives you advice.  She will you advice on anything, life, parenting, dating, cooking, household items, etc.  She seems to know everything and gives you advice on anything.  You know you just go to her when you need advice and you believe whatever she says.  I have no idea where she learned all her knowledge, but she knows everything.  And she can back it up with statistics, data, and personal stories.  None of it maybe true, but you would never question it.  She just has this way, that you never question what she says…and you do it.  

All of those friends come together in my life.  They all add so much and I need them…without question. 

-snarky

 

www.snarkydivorcedgal.com

Is It Just Me?

Is it just me? Lately I’ve been thinking about somethings that have really been points of curiosity for me now that I’m at home with my children all the time.  No, I haven’t been pondering anything deep like politics or how to become a millionaire.  I’ve been wondering about practical everyday things and wondering if these things are just happening in my house or are other moms having these same experiences.

I’ve decided to pose the question in hopes that you all would be able to tell me, is it just me?

Is it just me, or can no one ever find anything but mom?   Keep in mind, they don’t ever actually look for the item in question.  Their way of looking is by saying, “Mom, where’s my….?”  or, “Mom, have you seen my…?”  I can’t seem to understand why it is that these children have no clue where their something is, but I can walk into a room and be looking right at the thing they
want.  As a matter of fact, they had to walk past it just to come tell me they couldn’t find it!  Does that happen to you moms or is that just me?

Is it just me, or have other people that I haven’t met yet moved into my house and
started putting their laundry in our baskets?  I swear I do laundry every day and I’m never done.  There are ALWAYS more clothes.  It’s almost as if my hamper is the Mary Poppins bag!  It’s endless!  To make matters worse, I don’t even remember buying all of these clothes.  Where did they all come from?   Why can’t these people just walk around naked for a few days or something?  I mean I seriously live in fear of the day my washing machine dies. Is anyone else drowning in laundry or is it just me?

Is it just me or do kids ignore the fact that they have a father?  My middle child has literally walked right past his father sitting on the couch and come into the kitchen while I was cooking dinner to ask me to open his fruit snack.  Seriously?  My oldest has woken me out of a dead sleep before to ask me something about his Dad.  When I asked him why he didn’t just ask him, his response was that he didn’t want to wake him up.  Oh because that’s right, I don’t sleep.  I just lay here with my eyes shut anxiously awaiting your next demand.  Please tell me that it’s
not just me!

Also, is it just me or does anyone else’s children snack excessively?  It’s almost as if they’ve never eaten and never will again in life.  As soon as they wake up,they need a snack.  If we have to go anywhere, they have to grab a snack for the car.  As soon as we arrive home, they need another snack. I will be in the middle of cooking dinner and they are in the pantry getting a snack.  I’m cooking dinner people…you’re literally going to eat a full meal in less than 20 minutes!  Within 20 minutes after they eat, another snack.  And the minute I remind them that they
just ate, they respond with, “but I’m still hungry.”  Anyone else?  Just me?

Finally, and this one is my personal fave, is it just me or does anyone else’s children not need them until they get on the phone or use the restroom?  I could do a tap dance routine and stand on my head in front of my kids and I would get a laugh and then back to playing the video game or watching the television show.  But let me be on the phone, use the bathroom or try to shower.  You would think my house was on fire.  Everyone now needs mom.  They will see the phone in my hand and still keep talking to me as if I’m just holding it and talking to myself.
What is that about?   It can’t be just me!

So for any of you reading this post, please examine your lives.  Think about what
goes on in your day to day and let me know…is it just me?

~1spentmom~

Nothing Gets By Teenagers

Nothing gets by my teenagers…

My girls are almost 16 and 13. Yes, in their teenage years. We have a pretty close relationship, which I value very much. I have raised them pretty independently and let them make a lot of decisions on their own. I have always believed in giving them some freedom, if they can not handle it, then I tighten the reigns a little bit. So, when the topic of MY dating came up, it caught me completely off guard.

I have not dated anyone seriously for about 4 years and after we broke up, I never brought anyone around the kids. Their dad was remarried and they have had their share of challenges on that side. So after my boyfriend and I broke up about 4 years ago, I just kept that part of my life quiet. And honestly, I haven’t given that much time to dating, so their has been no one even worth mentioning.

And then it happened, I was driving my oldest home from practice and she heard my phone ding… and then she says, “ Ohh is that a snap from Nick” (in that teenage half kidding snotty voice) and I almost thought I heard her wrong.. And it took me a few minutes to pull myself together and think of what I was going to say and how was I going to answer her questions.

She says “ your phone always dings and it says… Nick is typing”..

Then you open it, then you laugh and smile”…

It was like she had been watching me for months. She knew all my little secrets. And I had thought I had not given any hints away. Damn it.

Then, she asked “ who is Nick mother… I wanted to just say “nevermind” but I had to remind myself that I have always been open with my kids. I have always taken the time to answer their questions as honestly, as I can. I have been far more open with them, than just give them nonsense.

I told her it was a someone that I had gotten to know over the last few months and that I was dating, and she seemed happy with the answer. I know she ran an told her sister the minute I was out of the room. I also assured her that we were moving very slow and that we were just newly dating. But I am sure it did not come out like that to her sister…

So, the next couple months, have been filled with little sarcastic remarks from the two teens or the “two peas in a pod” about my dating. It’s the one topic that they love to band together on instead of bickering about. he snarky little comments they whisper under their breath, like “ohh is that a text from Nick”… with that humor in their voice.

At times, I feel like they are the mothers and I am the daughter. Just waiting for their nosy questions-watching to see if I am going to sneak out after curfew, watching to see if I have done my hair, watching to see if I am wearing lipstick today. Yes, they notice it all.

Most of my days are filled with driving my kids to and from school, in between working, then driving them back and forth to activities, plus making sure I am correctly teaching them and parenting them, in between all of the millions of other things, that need to be done, all while I am wondering if I am even doing anything right. Ohhh and don’t forget feeding them.

So this topic of dating in our house, has kind of added a new form for lightness and fun. It has made me realize that they are getting older and understand things… they may even understand that at times, their mom needs to have a little fun. And maybe at times, I can be a little more open with them about my life.

It also made me realize, my kids are watching me all the time.. Just when I think I am sneaking something by them, they catch me…but I love that they feel open enough to come to me and ask..

-Snarky

www.snarkydivorcedgal.com

 

The Day

The day…

I am not listening to music. I just finished a very watered down iced latte that I picked up on my way home from work.

This week was the week

Full disclosure I am really bad with dates.

I ALWAYS remember my daughter’s birthday but if there isn’t a calendar reminder for it I won’t remember. (Her birthday being the exclusion)

AND

Except of course the day my divorce was final.

Which was exactly nine years ago. The exact date and time I can tell you as well.

I even remember what I was wearing.

So when I got up on Monday because it was on the 12th… I was already sad. 

I had a good solid cry in the shower.

I put on one of my favorite, comfiest outfits. I took time getting myself ready for work.

On my drive in I listened to one of my favorite songs and willed myself not to cry again.

Here’s the thing. I don’t get sad on this day because I miss my ex husband. Leaving him was healthy for me. It was the right thing. You either grow together or you grow apart. The reality is when someone constantly makes you feel like who you are is not enough… How can you grow?

As a person? Or with them?

I am sad on this day because I am a natural caregiver. I like to take care of people. I am an incredibly independent person but I have parents who have been married almost fifty years. They have family meals. They dressed up together for Halloween. Valentines Day, Birthday, Holidays everyday…. They showed us what it was like to be married to someone you liked, loved and was your partner in crime.

That is what I wanted.

I still do sometimes. But I worry. Always, if I can’t make someone like my ex husband happy. Maybe I can’t make anyone happy.

Maybe I’m the reason.

I know that I’m part but not all.

But no one gets married to get divorced and as someone who honestly never thought they would get married. To have my marriage fall apart.

It hurts.

I thought I did everything right and it still wasn’t enough. And now years later he is still so incredibly angry at me.

So every Fall on a certain day I just want the day to be over before it starts.

Then I take a deep breath and focus on all the positives that have come out of one of the hardest decisions I made.

It’s silly to think hard decisions are ever easy. 

But they make you stronger.

In my case if I’m being honest. Better and I feel guilty for saying this.

Yes, happier.

I didn’t fail because I’m divorced.

It doesn’t mean I’m not lovable or likable.

Hopefully at some point this day will be one I don’t remember. Or at least one that won’t hurt as much.

Be safe.

Much love Mommas 

<3 Caprise 

Thank You, Dad!

Thank you, Dad!

It’s Sunday as I write this and I’m shocked by what I’m about to say, but I think I’ve had too much coffee. I made myself an iced coffee and ooh it is hitting me. 

Background music is Judah and The Lion “Beautiful Anyway.” The lyric “Raise your hand and take a second to breathe in”, is sticking in my head right now.

More and more I have been trying really hard to live in the moment. Put my phone down, get off social media, get out of my head. It’s a pretty tricky thing to do with everything going on.

Especially where we live. We have made the news A LOT. For nothing good. As a family we try to maintain a bubble and our center is my Dad.

Today coincidentally is his birthday.

My Dad good, bad or otherwise is the person I hold others up to. He and my Mom have been married for almost forty nine years and again they have a marriage, relationship and friendship that I aspire to.

When my own marriage failed. I felt defeated. I felt like a failure. I think there is a misconception sometimes that just because people are thriving after a divorce that it was an easy decision or journey. 

It wasn’t.

My Dad has never once made me feel like it was easy. He has never once made me feel like I made the wrong choice.  I know he hurts for my daughter and how it has impacted her and me.

But aside from a few things. That has always been my Dad. Never making me feel bad in my choices. Even when I know they were not the ones he would  have made. And standing nearby just in case I might need a hand. 

If I am being honest, there are certain parts of my life I have glossed over because I don’t want my Dad to take on anymore than he does for me. Not that he would, but he would. 

He has allowed me to be a realistic dreamer.

Taught me to question things.

He is helping me and he doesn’t know this, get my confidence back. 

He helped my daughter and I get back on our feet.

He is helping me find my voice again.

And he has always shown me how to love my daughter with my whole heart.

So this was a rambling thank you to my Dad, but the older my daughter gets the cliches are true. I get it. Those lessons my parents taught me. Why they did what they did. 

And I’m beyond thankful for them.

Especially right now.

 

Be safe Mommas

Much love

<3 Caprise

I Missed Your Birthday

I missed your birthday.

You were at your dads, I’m supposed to “get used to it” and learn to share you but I don’t think I ever will. 

I had you last year, it’s only fair your dad has you this year. I get it. I do, but I’m your mommy I’m supposed to be there for the big deals and yeah,I’m throwing a party for you on a different day but it’s not the same. You’re only two you’re not going to know the difference, but I do. I feel it every child exchange, every missed birthday, every missed milestone. 

I want to be there, I do, but I need to share you and it’s the hardest thing mommy’s ever done. I have practice, I learned how to share your brother and sister but its never gotten easier and now I’m seeing the results of sharing as you kids get older.

Things aren’t always easy, you guys struggle with the back and forth, and I know that and I feel guilty but its necessary. You have a Dad and he has a right to see you as much as I do. We are in this together, you’re lucky to have a Dad so involved in your life and I love and respect that, but I’m also selfish and want you to myself. 

I want you to know I fought for our family. I fought hard but I fought alone. I was fighting for a fantasy. You deserve better than that. You deserve a real family and I know now we are a family, a family I created with you children. I have spent my life fighting for a “real” family and it’s taken me years to discover I had one all along. Once your brother was placed in my arms we were a family of two, then your sister and you came along and made us a complete family of 4. Now we all have each other to rely on and yes you have two large extended families to rely on, but it’s the special little family we have that means the world to me. 

In our little world its just us for a few days at a time and I love those special moments. I may have missed this birthday but there’s plenty more I will get to share with you and I’m learning to be okay with that. 

Serendipity

Keeping Me Time In Relationships

Me time…..I had never really had my own hobbies or activities when I was married.  I know I have wrote about that in the past, how I would just go along with whatever my husband did or enjoyed doing for the most part…Towards the end of our marriage, I started to go to concerts with my 3 of my lifelong friends.  And as time went on, I started to get into more activities that I loved, some were with friends and others were by myself.  

Years after my divorced when I was in a relationship, I felt myself slipping into that old pattern.  I would give up the things that I loved to do.  I would go along with the activities that he loved to do.  I would give up working out in the morning, which is something that I really needed to do and loved to do every day.  I really wanted to workout and get up an go for a hike, but I felt guilty doing it.  On the weekends, we would tend to all of his hobbies or the sporting events.   After months into the relationship, I did not spend much time doing any of  the things I loved.   I think part of me was just insecure of losing the relationship.  I was under this mindset that It was one or the other, either interests or a relationship.

Now, years later I have found my favorite activities and interests again.  I have wrote many times about the importance of having that time to do what you love…Or finding time to try new interests that you might love.  There is something about having that one thing that you just love to do.  I joined a golf league 3 years ago and I know that it is something that I would not give up. I love it!   

I have had numerous conversations with my friends about keeping your “me” time even in relationships.  I have had numerous conversations with them about how you can still have a great relationship and can spend time apart.  You can still take the time for golf league or girls nights or book club.  Or you can still take a night to just hang out by yourself. 

It’s hard to keep a good balance in a relationship, especially in the beginning.  We meet that special someone and you just want to spend every moment with them. Its exciting and new….And then what happens….you learn they are a hunter and is gone every weekend for 3 months? Or they play on the fastpitch softball league?  Or he plays on a bowling league every Wednesday night?   And then what if you break up?  

What happened to all the things you loved to do… did you throw them all away for the last few months or years during the relationship…  Hopefully not… or even worse did you ditch all your friends and now are hoping one of them still remembers your name… hopefully not.   

The reality is that I have things I like to do and sometimes I like to do them alone.  Being in my 40’s, I do not want to give up my interests and the things I love, but I also want to have a good relationship.  It’s a balance to have that healthy relationship and still have your time.  What is too much time apart and what is too little… it’s a balancing act.  If I want to continue golf league every Tuesday night, then I need to be supportive of his bowling league on Wednesday nights.  

There are many different scenarios to having your “me” time and communicating it in a relationship.  Having that time for you and your activities is healthy…it makes you happy, gives you confidence, and gives you ownership in something you love!   Don’t give it up!

-Snarky

www.snarkydivorcedgal.com

 

 

The Power Of Candy Corn

The power of candy corn…

It’s actually Saturday while I write this. No music too early, but a big cup of coffee. My even bigger shaggy dog is hanging out with me and my teen is in our easy chair. The last few days we have not been far from each other.

This morning she did something she hadn’t for a while. We had a cuddle with before we got up.When she was little. I didn’t need an alarm clock because she would climb into bed with me and snuggle in. I usually could convince her to sleep a little longer. At some point a little voice would say “Mama time to get up I’m hungry.” And our weekends would start.

With everything going on in the world like a lot of people- our world, her world has been turned upside down.She has handled better than most adults, but it has once again changed her relationship with her Dad.

I could tell you  all the things. But the important thing is her and helping her feel safe, loved and secure.No matter how uncomfortable it makes me.And dealing with her Dad makes me incredibly uncomfortable.

I will break out in hives.

I will get inside my head.

Get sick to my stomach.

The laundry list of all the reasons is long. But at the top a few years ago is him taking her out of state without me knowing and manipulating the situation so my daughter lied to me. Took the blame. That night I had gone out with friends, I had a few cocktails. Then after a series of frantic phone calls found out she was three states away. I stopped going out with my friends on the weekends she stayed with him after that.

So when it comes to talking to my daughter about her Dad. It’s tricky. I never want to be that parent, but I also know she struggles with why we aren’t together. 

With that she and I have started a new ritual. Every Friday night she and I lay on someone’s bed with a bag of our favorite candy between us and talk. About whatever she wants.This week the candy was candy corn and the topic was why her Dad wasn’t visiting.  When I talked to him about it I got three different answers. When I talked to her about it I asked her what she wanted. What she needed.She told me a phone call would be good.

It is still tough diffusing him. Protecting her, but it’s my job as her Mom.

I told you last week I made her a promise.

As I wrap this up it’s afternoon and her Dad is with her at the park. A long overdue visit thanks to a talk over a bag of candy corn.

Be safe

Much love Mommas 

<3 Caprise