I am lost in life….
Have you ever been in your car driving and suddenly look up and realize that you have no idea where you are? Your GPS is still plugging along telling you where to go but at the same time you’re not quite sure it knows where it’s going, and you know that you sure the hell don’t.
Last year some girlfriends and our daughters went to Cancun, Mexico for a girl’s trip. I was elected to drive to the airport because I had the biggest vehicle (and the most luggage). Our trip to the airport was uneventful. Seems like I had been there hundreds of times. But when we got home, I set my GPS for home and between its directions and me we went on one of the wildest rides of our lives. I kept following the blue road but every time I did, we were rerouted and a 25-minute trip turned into 1 ½ hours. (I’ll bet I’m never asked to drive again! Ha-ha!)
Well I’m lost again. This time in life. You see, I have been a stay at home mom for over 20 years. I have 3 kids, the youngest being 17 and a senior in high school next year. Ever since my firstborn was born, I have devoted myself to being a mother. Everything I did revolved around kids and their schedules and juggling my husband’s work and travel schedule, and homeschooling, and on and on. But the one person I never did focus on, or revolve around, was me.
Don’t get me wrong, I loved every minute of being a stay at home mom. I think in part because before kids I was a full out career woman. I became a CPA, worked for one of the largest corporations in America, jetted here and there for work. Sometimes I would get home at 10:00 at night. I would just go to sleep and get up and do the whole thing over again. And I loved it. I felt so smart and important with my briefcase, laptop, wearing my trendy suits bopping through airport after airport. I was important! I was somebody!
Then one day I wasn’t feeling quite well. Actually, I hadn’t in quite a few days. I had come home from work at a decent hour and made one of our favorite meals – Chicken Casserole! I will never forget when the timer went off and I opened the oven to pull our beloved meal out. The smell overwhelmed me! And for the first time, it didn’t smell good! I ran from the kitchen hoping my husband would grab the food, which he did, and well….it wasn’t pretty. What in the world was wrong with me? I started thinking. My “monthly visitor” had never visited me on a regular basis if you get my drift. But how long had it actually been this time. I looked at the calendar and it had been 8 weeks! WHAT!!! That has happened before but this time I just felt like something was different. And I was right. After a quick trip to Rite Aid I found out the next morning that the biggest blessing I would ever experience was about to visit me in about 7 months.
I am unashamed to admit that at that moment I didn’t feel as though a blessing was coming. I felt as though it was something, or someone, who was going to disrupt and tear down the beautiful life that I had built for myself. I couldn’t have been more wrong. Once I laid eyes on that beautiful face and heard that faint little cry, I found a love inside me that I never knew existed. And that set the stage for the next 20+ years.
I was so happy raising my kids! Everything from their painful births to the birthday parties and playdates and summer days at the pool and sweltering nights at the ballpark. I was happy! I loved my kids! I loved being their “go-to” person. I loved being a mom! And I think for the first time in my life, I loved me.
Well, just like that I wake up one day to a house full of adults. My children were no longer playing with toys or going on playdates or needed a ride. They could drive themselves wherever they needed to go. And they did. They could cook better than I could. And they did. They could do their own laundry. And they did. They were independent and responsible. They didn’t need me.
Wait! What???!!! I always bought matching outfits for them for every holiday and had professional portraits made and proudly hung them throughout my house. My life had been cooking and cleaning and shopping and running these three beautiful heart-stealers from place to place. Now, all of a sudden, it was like……. well it was like crickets. No one needed me. And I was lost. And I still am.
I’m here in my house with a bunch of adults who all think they know more than anyone else including me and I realize that I have no purpose. At least I feel that way. My purpose went from handling the finances for a Fortune 500 Company, to raising three beautiful people to be responsible adults someday. And that day was suddenly here. They are beautiful people and I couldn’t be prouder of them!
I know that there is a purpose for me somewhere or I wouldn’t still be an occupant on this plant. But for right now I’m still searching. Still searching for that thing that makes my heart flutter when I think about it. Still searching for someone, something, anyone or anything to say “Hey! We need you here! We’ve been waiting for a person just like you!”
I want to be wanted. I want to be needed. Right now, I feel neither of those things. With this pandemic I actually do have a lot of roles to fill. I’m back to cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, for everybody in the house because they are either working from home or taking online classes or both. People ask me why I do this. I say, “Why not?” I’ve been looking for an Accounting job but no luck so far. I hate thinking negatively but many times I find myself thinking, “Who wants an Accountant who hasn’t accounted for anything except her kids for 20+ years?”
Yes, I’m lost. But I will find my way. God has a purpose and plan for me. For whatever reason I either haven’t seen it yet, or it hasn’t been shown to me yet. Or maybe both. I will make it. I will reinvent myself into something /someone I never thought I could be. And when I do, I will look back on my life and see all the paths and roads that brought me to this place. I refuse to give up hope. After all, without hope, what is there? Well, I am here. Ready for my new beginning and I fully believe that a new beginning awaits me. After I find my way from where I was to where I am supposed to be.