Are you settling?
If you have been keeping up with my blogs, my life is …well… It’s kind of messy.
Some of it I can control.
A lot of it I can’t,
But what the gift this chaos has given me is some moments to look inward.
Look at who I really am and what I really want.
I have had these conversations with myself before and a little bit even with you all.
The big difference is I am not sure if I listened. I also was never this close to losing so much.
I started to wonder, am I settling?
Have I settled?
I think I have.
In my career definitely. It was easy. I knew it, it felt safe so I stayed even when there were many times I shouldn’t have. Even right now. I should probably be running for the hills, but I’m hanging on to a shred of I don’t know what, because I’m afraid of the unknown.
In my personal life. I don’t speak up like I should. I do but I don’t. I am so afraid of upsetting the person I’m with, that I don’t speak up sometimes until it’s much too late. The hurt is already there. The irony is – he wants me to. But what I know- is to say I’m fine and move on. Put the wall up. Be hurt and hope maybe he’ll figure it out.
No he won’t.
I need to tell him.
But I won’t because it’s easier not to.
I cross my arms and quietly stew.
The only place I don’t settle is how I deal with my friends. I call, I reach out. I am incredibly honest with them.
I wish the person they see. The person my daughter sees. Was who I could always be.
I have used the word easy a lot in this blog. Except by taking the easy way out. By settling, I think I’ve made things harder on myself.
It’s time to uncross my arms and use my voice again.
It’s time to quit settling as scary as that is.
Much love Mommas