One of my favorite Jimmy Eat World songs has a chorus with the lines… “if you’re listening, sing it back.”
Then there are the whoa’s for good measure.
But it makes me think of how we, ok me, how I communicate with people.
In particular the ones I am dating.
Look I pulled back the curtain last week about easily one of the worst relationships I have ever had. Might as well go here too.
I am not the best communicator.
I can write. I can host a radio show, two actually. I can speak in front of hundreds of people.
Tell the man I love what I want.
Nope. Not always.
Not at first. Not until he uses the jaws of life to get it out of me.
Friends, there have been times I have had to cover my eyes and turn around when I have to share.
My favorite thing, when things get deep for me is to say ANYWAY.
The thing is I do share. But I continue to live in fear if I share too much I will be perceived as weak or a burden.
None of which I am and if someone treats me like that when I share something that means something to me- I don’t want them in my life.
Somewhere along the way someone taught me they don’t want to know the things about me, that make me, me. I have friends who have seen me at my worst know all my hopes and dreams and decades later are still here.
So why can’t I accept someone I love wouldn’t feel the same?
I don’t know. I do know but that’s not what this is about.
It’s about all of us as a collective getting comfortable with telling people, in particular people we love what we need.
One of my good friends likes to say- if people don’t want to know the answer they shouldn’t ask the question.
But what if they’re just being polite?
See what I did there? That is called negative self talk. Don’t do that.
Every week I put pieces of myself on paper for you all to read. The difference is for me at least – I don’t know you. You can’t break my heart.
I think at the core of this, that is my problem.
Why I am not always the best and being straight forward.
I don’t want my heart broken.
I am forty eight years old my friends, I am way ready to have my time for happy. As long as I am openly communicating… I have spent way too many decades wanting things I don’t have.
I had an idea of how things were going to be and absolutely none of that happened. That’s ok. It happened. I survived. I did what I needed to do.
But I am so ready.
Beyond, for all of it
So I guess I better start speaking up.
And I hope you do too.
Much love Mommas